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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he do this?

68 replies

Snowybunny · 18/11/2019 21:37

My dh and I have been married for 10 years, hes a nice guy, he tells me I'm hot, pretty etc..he never compliments anything other than my looks which I find annoying as personally I'm more bothered about the actual person I am.
Anyway, in between the compliments,he'll make comments like, 'ooh you look pregnant today', or wow that's a lot of stretch Mark's or today's comment was, you look so pretty from far away Hmm
I have no confidence in myself as it is and I've recently come to realise that as the years go by I have my self esteem gets lower and lower, partly because of dh.
In my head it seems that these comments that slip out are how he really feels and the rest of what he says is just bullshit.
Why is he so nice to me half the time and then switches to giving me backhanded compliments?
Shouldn't he as my dh be building mr up and not breaking me down?
Happy to be told to get a grip and that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill but it's just annoying to not know how he truly feels

OP posts:
FabbyChix · 18/11/2019 21:40

Tell him he is being offensive or start making comments about him if you let him do
It he will then do other stuff that’s shit. I’d tell him if he feels like that he won’t want sex

Winterdaysarehere · 18/11/2019 21:40

Imo he wants you to be grateful for his crumbs.
Bet you know you can do better.
..

FabbyChix · 18/11/2019 21:40

No your not over reacting at all

TheTickingTime · 18/11/2019 21:57

My first ever boyfriend, I was 20, use to say I was only 7 out og 10, it stayed with me for years. I never confronted him about it but I wish I had.

Lozzerbmc · 18/11/2019 21:58

Tell him you find his comments offensive or start telling him his hair looks thinner or he’s looking a bit jowly today

Savingforarainyday · 18/11/2019 22:02

Hmmm

Looks are fleeting. Perhaps you're worried because you wonder what he'll do after your looks have faded a bit?

Disco3000 · 18/11/2019 22:04

What an asshole. Sounds like odd controlling behaviour, you need to 'return the favour' and so the same back. See how he likes it.

Elieza · 18/11/2019 22:05

Was it in Friends that they had a episode about this kind of behaviour.

“Nobody else looks as beautiful as you with such greasy hair” and other one liners!

Your husbands an arse. Try doing what he does back to you. You can do it jokey way or a feeling sorry for him way.
Such as (on comments re stretch marks) “yeah my stretch marks are bad, I’m surprised you noticed now your eyesights so bad, you’re getting old, don’t crunch up your eyes like that it makes them wrinkle more”.

Or (say he comments on your hair needing dyed) “yeah my hair is getting a bit grey but at least I don’t have male pattern baldness, yours is looking worse than it used to, have you noticed” Deliver in a non angry matter of fact way as though you care. Or ins jokey I do t give a fuck about your opinion way.
There are plenty of quips, I’m sure they will flow once you do the first one. The key is not delivering angry.

“Aw it’s a shame you have that beer gut, you used to be so much slimmer when I met you. Sigh”.

One of your quips will really sting him. At which point you can tell him that’s how you make me feel with your insensitive comments about me you ignorant prick. Pack it in or get to fuck.
Or perhaps that’s just how I would be and you won’t be so angry! I’m angry for you OP, he’s a cheeky bastard, who does he think he is criticising stretch marks, they are marks of love for your children not something to hate. We all have them. Except him coz he’s perfect. Aye, so he is. Arse.

StillLearningDad · 19/11/2019 07:01

It sounds like he's more interested in how you look than in who you are or how you feel. He wants to put pressure on you to make yourself as pretty as possible, for his benefit. It's really not a nice way for him to be towards you. I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe get a bit of time to talk properly together and say something like "the negative comments are really not pleasant - they might be a joke to you but for me they make me feel bad - build me up, don't put me down - confidence is attractive you know." I don't know - it depends on whether you think he would listen or you think he would just use it against you.

Original poster
Snowybunny · 19/11/2019 08:17

@Savingforarainyday
I dont think I'm exactly stunning anyway so not worried about my looks fading. I mean I'm ok looking, I also get told I look years younger.

It's more I feel like he really does think I'm nothing special which makes me sad. As my husband shouldn't he think I'm special or beautiful even if I'm not? Or least tell me so.
He knows I have low self esteem. I'm always building him up, telli g him hes great at this or that.

Oh and I also get the 7/10 mark according to him I'm an 8 sometimes on my face, but my body let's me down Sad. I'm a size 10 and a regular gym goer, I'm toned apart from my c section tummy, but that I cant do anything about

OP posts:
Elieza · 19/11/2019 08:19

He’s an arse and you’re worth ten of him. You’ll see it eventually and wonder why you stayed with him so long Grin

Original poster
Snowybunny · 19/11/2019 08:58

Thank you @ @Elieza
I have told him the comments get me down hut he says it's because I misheard or I took it the wrong way.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/11/2019 09:02

So he is not above gaslighting you either by denying your own reality of what you heard. He has worn you down over the years to this low point and he has done this deliberately to bring you down to his base level. He knocks you down and abuses you emotionally like this to build his own pathetic self up.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why and you and he together?. I would seriously look into the practicalities of leaving him because staying with him will just entail you getting more of the same.

MrsBobBlackadder · 19/11/2019 09:04

'he says it's because I misheard or I took it the wrong way'

Ahh that old trick... I had one like this once. He said it was 'just a joke'. They're all dickheads at heart...

Sotoes · 19/11/2019 09:07

Has he ever been told he's punching above his weight OP?

He's deliberately trying to undermine you.....and it's working. Nasty,

Sandals19 · 19/11/2019 09:09

And the reason that all these comments, judgements, assessment etc are only going one way is ????

I've noticed this is a habit if quite a few men, they sit making comments and /10 assessments of women (generally compared to models, actresses, porn actresses etc) as though they sit on s judging panel at crufts or something ... Blissfully unaware of and inconsidering of their own looks Vs male models, fitness models, actors etc.

What they need is nice big dose of their own medicine.

I used to frequent a make dominated fitness forum frequented by lots of these types, chauvinists and incels included. One posted a pic of "prime" Cindy Crawford and commented that women/female forum members must feel so shot looking at it, so inferior etc.

I responded that I don't compare myself to supermodels, since I'm not a model.let alone a supermodel. I compare myself to non models because that's what i am. I compare myself to 99% of the population, not 1% (or less) ... And does he compare himself to David gandy or Joe manganiello - because that would be both weird and must make him feel really bad.

He was strangely unresponsive.

Don't let them away with this shit - we're not to be out in a platform and assessed and judged, while they are unscathed. Fk them.

Sandals19 · 19/11/2019 09:11

*male dominated

Sandals19 · 19/11/2019 09:12

Anyway in addition to being inclined to the above behaviour, your DH sounds some combination of

  • shallower than a damp patch
  • has no filter/tactless
  • trying to neg you as a technique to feel in control
Sandals19 · 19/11/2019 09:16

Btw what I said about comparing myself to ordinary people is obviously only if you choose to do so; noone has to be judged on looks against anyone - unless they choose to do so.

Looks may play a role in attraction etc but they are only one part of a relationship/partnership, and they gradually fade & change over time too. Any fixation in them is shallow.

Windmillwhirl · 19/11/2019 09:18

One of your quips will really sting him. At which point you can tell him that’s how you make me feel with your insensitive comments about me you ignorant prick. Pack it in or get to fuck.
Or perhaps that’s just how I would be and you won’t be so angry! I’m angry for you OP, he’s a cheeky bastard, who does he think he is criticising stretch marks, they are marks of love for your children not something to hate. We all have them.

Spot on! I was also annoyed for you reading your post, op. Those comments are intended to hurt. So what if you have stretch marks? Is he the perfect male specimen? Turn the tables, let him feel what you do by pointing out some of his 'flaws'.

Personally I think he sounds superficial and cruel. What's he like to be with in other ways?

Chamomileteaplease · 19/11/2019 10:43

Telling you you have stretch marks or look pregnant when you are not and look pretty from far away Shock, is not a back handed compliment! It's downright nasty.

I suggest talking to him again. Write down some of the things that he says. Tell him that he has said these things and you find it rude, hurtful and unnecessary. If he says oh you misunderstood, push it, get him to explain how you could have misunderstood. Make him squirm. If he's not squirming, he's a psychopath.

He is bullying you so face up to him. Challenge him and his nastiness. Don't let him get away with it.

And in the meantime, stop building him up as you say you do. Just become neutral.

And think about whether you really want to be with such a wanker too.

Original poster
Snowybunny · 19/11/2019 11:39

I'm with him as we have dc together.
At the age of 30 I want to gain some confidence back but deep down I feel like hes the only guy who would ever be with me.
There been times where it's been my fault, I've asked him if I look fat or if my hairs a mess and he will answer honestly and say yep those jeans make you look massive or something similar, maybe ita just that he doesnt have tact?
And yes he has been told a coud of times that he punching above his weight, not that he isnt good looking, he is
He is supportive in other ways, hea not always like this. He will help me at the gym if I say I want him to come with me to spot me etc.. I've noticed that the nice comments only seem to appear when he wants to get in my pants, otherwise it's the backhanded ones

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowybunny · 19/11/2019 11:40

Sorry about the typos, I'm in the gym as I type..hope it's clear what I'm trying to say.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 19/11/2019 11:44

He's not a nice guy. You need to rethink your definition. A nice guy is much more than someone who isn't a nasty shit 100% of the time.

category12 · 19/11/2019 11:45

He does it to keep you in your place, to make you feel no one else would want you, and to make you insecure.