Why does he do this?

[Snowybunny]

My dh and I have been married for 10 years, hes a nice guy, he tells me I'm hot, pretty etc..he never compliments anything other than my looks which I find annoying as personally I'm more bothered about the actual person I am.
Anyway, in between the compliments,he'll make comments like, 'ooh you look pregnant today', or wow that's a lot of stretch Mark's or today's comment was, you look so pretty from far away
I have no confidence in myself as it is and I've recently come to realise that as the years go by I have my self esteem gets lower and lower, partly because of dh.
In my head it seems that these comments that slip out are how he really feels and the rest of what he says is just bullshit.
Why is he so nice to me half the time and then switches to giving me backhanded compliments?
Shouldn't he as my dh be building mr up and not breaking me down?
Happy to be told to get a grip and that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill but it's just annoying to not know how he truly feels

I'd be really really hacked off if my dp said things like that .. I'd retaliate and I'd go low to do it .

I'm v lucky a d don't have noticeable stretch marks but if I did and he commented that would set me off bigtime for two reasons - that you can't do anything about them (other than slap cream/oil on them which may not work) and because they're from carrying his kid/s.

he says I'm over sensitive.

No, you're not.

There wouldn't be peace and happiness in my household if my dp said negative things about my looks (or commented on my looks regularly at all) ... there'd be strife!

Btw I don't have noticeable stretch marks but I do have a c section "shelf"/overhang/whatever. He's never said a word about it and if I comment he's just diplomatic/shrugs his shoulders. He perfectly possible he thinks it's unsightly but he hasn't and wouldn't say a word.

My husband might say nice skirt or something, occasionally he'll say you look nice if I've made an effort to go out or something, most of the time he is obvious.

Occasionally he says things that upset me (cant think of an example now), if I explain its upset me he will apologise. Telling someone they are too sensitive when your own nasty comments have upset them is a bit victim- blamey.

I can see where your lack of self-esteem is coming from.
I would be giving him a taste of his own medicine. I started doing this as a teen after years of the family doing it. Funny how they didn't like it, but I was too sensitive - overreacting - just a bit of fun etc.

The compliments to give you that boost, and then boom a negative to knock you back. And each time a bit further.

Why do people do it? IMe because they are cunts.

He's not a nice guy.

The reason he keeps doing it is because he an arse who wants to knock you down and he knows you won't do anything about it.

Next time he does it. Shut it down and hard. You've already told him you don't like it but he keeps doing it. He doesn't care as he wants to hurt you.

Next time he does it, stare him right in the eye and dont break and say I told you not to talk to me like that. keep staring. If he makes the you're too sensitive, joke or whatever bs excuse; say to him, I told you not to talk to me like that. Next time you do it, you can leave.

Shut it down hard. Give him a severe consequence if he keeps it up.

@puds11 I have the c section flabby bit at the bottom which no amount of exercise will get rid of, it's not too bad but the stretch marks are pretty bad but theres not much I can do about it, I've tried about every cream there is by the bucket load.

Sometimes ex will say he doesnt mind the stretch marks at all and they're not bad but then will follow with.."'other guys probably would mind as it's not thier babies you've carried"
I'm actually thinking of showing him this thread next time he says anything.

Thank you for those whove replied I feel much better about it all and I know I've got work to do on my self esteem

@Sandals19 your DP sounds fab, that's exactly what I'm looking for from my dh, he doesnt have to lie and say I'm stunning,but he could just shrug or at least not look disgusted.

I have the c section flabby bit at the bottom which no amount of exercise will get rid

I'm pretty slim, always being told to put on weight etc and I still have a weird little fold/shelf/overhang thing from C section. However they sewed it up after section has left it like that and I've heard other women talking about similar.
I don't know if there's a cosmetic procedure that can remove it but it's not a priority for me.

Your husband's comment about him accepting your stretch marks but other men might not/would not (actually it depends on the man so he doesn't have a clue.blots of men seem not to care) .... Seems quite telling. Why do his thoughts go to what other men would think about your body (all negative of course) or you hokku g up with other men, given you're in quite a long marriage & family .. and presumably you haven't cheated etc.??

Sounds like he's prone to being jealous/insecure/possssive and is trying the old "noone else would want you" line that abusers come right out; bug he's being a little big more subtle.

Really pathetic, quite nasty behaviour.

#your DP sounds fab*

He had plenty of other faults, believe me - but he doesn't behave like this and i think it's unacceptable.

*hooking up

Also his theory about other men not being ok about stretch marks that are not the result of pregnancies from their kids is blatently, self evidently flawed & stupid - because if the sheer numbers of women who have met husbands and partners after having children with previous husbands/partners. Realistically many of them will have stretch marks to some degree. If men didn't get into relationships with women who had stretch marks from pregnancies not "caused" by them .... Hi dress of thousands of couples would t be couples. So frankly he's taking shite. But then generally he sounds like he should wear a gag for his and everyone else's good.

*that abusers come right out with; but he's being a little bit more subtle.

*Hundreds

*talking shite.

I'm actually thinking of showing him this thread next time he says anything.

Problem with that is a. You've lost your safe/venting space on this subject and b. He'll dismiss, deny, attack etc posters views as being a bunch of bitches/spinsters/divorcees/bitter/man haters/on another planet/over the top/humourless etc and you'll be left arguing about that .. whereas you probably need to gain the vindication and hopefully self confidence from the thread, internalise it, don't justify yourself with "but look, all these women think you're wrong and I'm not over sensitive etc" ...

Get away from justifying and into "you're wrong", zero tolerance mode. He'll just keep trying to gaslight you if you give a mm.

Sadly he would only laugh in your face if you showed him this thread and make some kind of derogatory comment about you using this site and how stupid we all are.

Some men are just arseholes.

Do you really think he's going to take a blind bit of notice if he read the thread?
Of course, he won't. He should already be taking your feelings into consideration and he isn't. He shouldn't need to be told to stop this. Once was bad enough.

Many guys don't give a fuck about stretch marks etc. It's only those shallow twats that do. They see the beauty in those scars.

He knows in reality that once your gone you have a better chance than him of finding someone who loves you for you.

You deserve a whole lot more than what he's giving you. He's not going to change.