Why does he do this?

[Snowybunny]

My dh and I have been married for 10 years, hes a nice guy, he tells me I'm hot, pretty etc..he never compliments anything other than my looks which I find annoying as personally I'm more bothered about the actual person I am.
Anyway, in between the compliments,he'll make comments like, 'ooh you look pregnant today', or wow that's a lot of stretch Mark's or today's comment was, you look so pretty from far away
I have no confidence in myself as it is and I've recently come to realise that as the years go by I have my self esteem gets lower and lower, partly because of dh.
In my head it seems that these comments that slip out are how he really feels and the rest of what he says is just bullshit.
Why is he so nice to me half the time and then switches to giving me backhanded compliments?
Shouldn't he as my dh be building mr up and not breaking me down?
Happy to be told to get a grip and that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill but it's just annoying to not know how he truly feels

I don’t know how the rest of your relationship is, so it’s hard to really comment on the big picture.
And some of his comments are clearly wrong. There I absolutely no need to point out something hurtful, especially something the other person can’t change.

However what struck me more is your description of yourself. You mention you have a low self esteem, but you also seem to put the responsibility for that on him. While it rests with you.
Neither of you need to be ‘building each other up’.... Or telling each other lies to make the other feel happy. It seems like you want that to happen and it’s worrying.
Why would you want him to tell you things he doesn’t think/believe?
It’s draining to be the one constantly propping someone’s self esteem. It needs to start from within.

Neither of you need to be ‘building each other up’....

Neither them should be tearing each other down either. Which he does as much or more as complimenting her.

She's not negging him.

So it's not just about her responsibility for her self esteem, she's having someone say things that might affect her self esteem; even a "strong" person may be affected by their partner (life, sexual etc)saying derogatory and critical things.

*Neither of them

Sandals - I agree. That’s why I said that he is wrong to make critical comments.

But OP also needs to realise that she can’t put all responsibility for her self esteem on her H. She seems to be doing that in the way she speaks. She clearly says she wishes her H told her things to make her feel better - irrespective of whether he believes it or not.
And that is something she needs to address in herself.
It’s not easy to live with someone who is this way.

He sounds like a dick and a bit insecure so doesn't want you too confident. One thing is if you ask him for an honest answer regarding how an item of clothing makes you look but another to be telling you all these stupid things, especially the stretch marks. That's not done out of love and honesty, but to make you feel bad about yourself.

OP I have the feeling that your self esteem is low because of your relationship. As a size 10 you're never going to be 'massive' in a pair of jeans so he's not being honest is he?

He's telling you that you're mishearing him when you're clearly not (gaslighting). Start to pull him up on every single comment and tell him to stop doing it. If he doesn't, I would consider leaving him as he sounds abusive.

Abuse is more than just being slapped around. Emotional abuse is where someone is criticising you and undermining you in order to maintain power and control. There are probably other abusive behaviours going on in the relationship that you may not have noticed.

It might be an idea to see if there is a Freedom Programme near you so you can learn about healthy and unhealthy relationships. Look up the signs of abusive relationships and see if there are any other methods of abuse going on. If there are, contact Women's Aid for a chat to get further information and to help clear up any confusion or find your local DV organisation.

Why does he do it? Because he’s an arsehole whose a pathetic excuse for a man who uses it to control you and make you feel like shit so you won’t have the confidence to leave him.

Next time he comes out with a peach say,

"D you know what? While we are on the subject of each others physical attributes and flaws, I want to talk about your cock. My last boyfriend had a vein in his bigger than your entire tackle - just saying!"

If he can hand it out see f he can take it too.

@MMmomDD you are right, I do need to work on it myself, it's up to me not anybody else but as a life partner he shouldn't be trying to make me feel worse really should he.
I am trying finally to gain more confidence in myself, I'm doing things for myself and going to places I normally wouldn't etc..
I just wish he would help, he doesnt have to lie but if he thinks my stretch marks are horrible just keep it to yourself.
@CiliatedEpithilium that's brilliant, I'm going to give that one a go!

I think people say things like this because they are insecure and don't actually want you to be confident, because then you might leave them. The fact when you point out how it's made you feel and he blames you rather than saying oh shit I'm sorry, I'll stop saying it, makes me sure this is the case. If it was genuinely being thoughtless or foot in mouth he would be sorry, or if it was because he is really thick skinned anyway and genuinely wouldnt mind a comment like 'you've got a nice nose, it's such a shame about the rest of your face' then hed think along the lines of 'I dont really get why she is upset but if she doesnt like it, I'll stop'. The way he says it 'lovely face, body lets you down' type thing is quite sneaky as well as he can claim it's a compliment when clearly it's not, and 99.9pc of people would agree.

He is really damaging your self esteem and yes I know its supposed to come from within but when someone who's supposed to love you says things like that, it hurts.

To summarise (I know I've waffled) he says it because he is insecure and likes you feeling like shit. And the compliments are so he can show you that only he loves you and to get you to stay and so that he can say 'I'm always telling you how hot you are' in between all the insults.

Because they are insults. Pointing out someones flaws (that everyone has) is insulting.

Stop asking for his opinion on how you look. If he ever says anything about your appearance say stop commenting on how I look, I'm happy with my appearance and dont need someone to point out my flaws.

I am guessing when you start to look at it you may realise he subtlety criticises other areas of your life as well

snowy bunny
At the age of 30 I want to gain some confidence back but deep down I feel like hes the only guy who would ever be with me
Its terrible that you feel like that, he's really done a number on you hasn't he? he's got you believing that you're only worth a cruel, spiteful nasty husband and for some reason you believe him. He's not a nice guy he's a smug despicable arsehole.
He's treating you like shit and for some reason that's all you think you're worth. If he's been told that he's punching above his weight, that's his problem. His lack of self esteem is driving him to make cruel and uncalled for remarks.
He's a very long way away from being a nice guy, he's a nasty piece of work.
Start being just as cruel back, the dick comment is a good one, also the receding hairline also the fat belly. Tell him that it's almost impossible to find someone sexually attractive when they're making cruel, unpleasant and nasty comments. So sex is off the agenda until he shuts the fuck up.

It's designed to destabilise you and this makes the person dealing out this crap feel better about themselves. My sister has pulled this sort of crap for years. She is brazen and has an acid tongue. I haven't spoken to her for almost 18 years as she makes me want to do and say things that are not in my basic nature!

My DH has had repeated abdomenal surgeries. He has had his muscled wrecked and the scars look like a map of spaghetti junction. I love him and without these scars he would be dead. I don't give a rats arse what he looks like and luckily he seems to forgive my flaws too. Don't settle for crap OP. Low level abuse is still abuse and it's like a dripping tap on a stone. It wears you away.

*She clearly says she wishes her H told her things to make her feel better - irrespective of whether he believes it or not.

And that is something she needs to address in herself.*

I didn't see that anywhere. She said she is bothered by the critical, negative things he says (which also sound unreasonable) and presumably wants him to stop.

Noone has to say critical, nasty things to their partner about their appearance (even if true, which it sounds like they're not in this case). We all practice diplomacy, tact, leaving things unsaid, looking at the positives etc with our partners .. if something really bothered us we could suggest tactfully/constructively ways of changing it (or in extreme cases we could end the relationship if it was really really bothering us and impossible to change, or the person agreed to change but would not get). Ops dh is doing none of those things.

He's mixing compliments and "negs" all the time, leaving her uneasy, upset, confused etc as anyone would be.

I get the impression her self esteem would be ok if she had a decent partner who abided by the reasonable, standard approaches above. He can either say nothing about any perceived bad points, say something constructive and tactful (if they can be changed) or go full hog, decide he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone with those points and end it ... But he wont do any of those. It's his problem, not her problem (self esteem or otherwise).

Also add to that that what he's saying seems exaggerated or actually untrue.

Also that he's focusing in her looks exclusively all the time.

And he's not getting anything like this from her.

*on her looks

But OP also needs to realise that she can’t put all responsibility for her self esteem on her H.

She isnt, she just wishes he'd stop insulting her.

Especially about something she can't change eg stretch marks (which incidentally she got bearing his fkg kids).

Not a self esteem problem. More like a nasty, arsehole dp problem.

You poor thing. It's easy to fall into the trap of trying to analyse why someone is behaving in a way you wouldn't dream of behaving because it seems so unusual that there must be an underlying reason.

The problem is, whatever the underlying reason is for it... he is bullying you.

He is making comments that upset you.
He is being nasty and cruel.
He is so lacking in empathy that he says things like that and thinks they are acceptable.
He knows it isn't "banter" because you don't do the same back. It doesn't matter why he's doing it, this is who he is and it's really fucking horrible.

Explain firmly and clearly how upsetting it is for you and that you want him to empathise and stop making hurtful comments. They aren't playful jokey or funny ones, they're just shitty and horrible.

If he's anything other than sorry, saying he'll be more sensitive then I couldn't imagine a future with him if I were you.

It's so hard not to fall into psychoanalysing these things (I've been guilty of it in the past when exes have been cruel) but when it comes down to it, whatever the reason is - he's being an arsehole and you deserve better.

I also don't think you should go down the route of saying stuff back to him to give him a taste of his own medicine.

In my experience he will:

• Not care, which won't change anything from how it is now.

• Or he'll just use any instances like that against you saying you do the same to him, conveniently forgetting the years during which you didn't do the same.

• Or (my personal favourite) say that whatever insult you say to him is WAY worse than whatever he said to you and use this to manipulate you.

My mum put it really simply to me - you shouldn't have to teach someone not to be an arsehole.

She was so right and it's always stuck with me. If he isn't naturally nice then why on earth would you want to spend your life with him?!

Those stretchmarks are a badge of honour OP, wear them with pride.

Could you use the MN classic of, "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Does he know he is hurting your feelings? I know you said he is a nice guy but he doesn't sound nice. Is it time for you to look at your relationship with a more clinical eye to try and see imbalances etc. I wouldn't be able to tolerate the weird double standard thing and the fact that my looks were so important to him. Is he gorgeous? Is he beating them off with a shitty stick?

Out of interest, fors anyone else's dp make comments like this, or just mine?

This morning he said I looked hot, but i know it's not long before he says something to put me down again.

I have spoken to him about it and told him that I'd rather be didnt go on about my looks either way but it never makes a difference and he says I'm over sensitive.

Hes certainly not fighting women off with a stick but he looks good for his age, has a thick head of hair and is muscula. His friends still tease him and say they dont know how he got me, but I've always taken that as just a bit of friendly teasing.

Snowy off topic I know, but can I ask what is the problem with your c sec tummy? I’ve recently had one and am super paranoid and insecure about it.

DH said I wasn’t looking my best. I’m not sure what to make of that.

Yes my arsehole exH did precisely this for years, each time I pulled him up on it he would say he was only joking or I didn't have a sense of humour or I was being too sensitive or he was only being honest and shouldn't he be able to be honest with me! He was just being nasty, he knew he was and didn't care. In my case the behaviour got worse and worse over the years.

Out of interest, fors anyone else's dp make comments like this, or just mine?

Not a dp, an ex quite a few years ago. Funnily enough he would also use the word "hot" as a "compliment". His way of negging me was if a group of men passed us, he'd say he'd overheard them calling me a "fat bitch". For context I was a size 10 -12.

This type of behaviour takes planning and forethought and the goal is to make you feel shit about yourself. He's not a nice person OP.

Out of interest, fors anyone else's dp make comments like this, or just mine?

Mine rarely comments on my looks and if he does it's a compliment; you look nice, you look really well or something like that.

Or rarely something a bit more sexual if I'm (rarely) wearing something low cut/v figure hugging; usually a sound of appreciate/arousal while hugging/squeezing me.

He never ever says anything negative, ever.

Sorry, that was double "rarely".