Ending an affair because it will never work will it?

[anotherglassofred]

Please don’t judge me as I am in a mess right now and need some support.

I have been having an affair with someone at work for over a year. We are both married with kids. He said he didn’t love his wife and there was little intimacy. My husband is a good man but there has been no intimacy for some years.

For the first few months everything was great. He told me he loved me and I really thought we had found something amazing together. We had a few ups and downs but on the whole I thought we had a great future ahead worth giving up our marriages for.

He told me over and over again that he had no desire to sleep with his wife and that he couldn’t even bring himself to hold her hand let alone anything more. I asked him to be totally honest with me if he felt anything would happen between them and I would walk away. He made so many promises to me and we talked about a future together and how it would affect the kids and to try to do the right thing for everyone as much as you can in these situations.

Then 9 months in I found out he had slept with her.

He said it only happened once and that his head was in a mess. That he wants me to forgive him but doesn’t know why he did it.

I told him he had destroyed my belief in him because he had lied to me about not being interested in her over and over again and it will take time to rebuild trust. He seemed genuinely sorry so we have continued on but he wants me to walk away from my marriage right now. Which I can’t do because the cheating and lies are uppermost in my mind. I am so hurt and just want him to take ownership of what he did and allow me to heal before either of us make any huge decisions.

But as I try to heal he puts me right back by giving me a lot of verbal abuse. Saying that it is my hang up, that I am jealous, manipulative, needy, dictating his home life, that I have overstepped the boundaries, using him for sex. Loads more and he calls me names that nobody in my life has called me. All this is usually by text message. Every night. It is like mental torture.

He has threatened to tell my husband about us on more than one occasion, even turning up at places he knows we will be and telling me he is going to tell him. He drives past my house when I least expect it and I am on edge all the time thinking he is going to come in. He has also threatened to tell one of our mutual friends, who could tell my husband.

One moment he is nasty to me and the next so nice and apologising for what he did and trying to make amends. However tonight he messaged to say we aren’t a couple so actually he didn’t cheat or lie to me, I need to ‘face up to it’ and if it happens it is part of the situation! I have told him trust cannot possibly be rebuilt when he speaks to me like that let alone considering leaving our marriages. I am in tears yet again because he is so harsh and he makes out that It is always my fault.

He is very controlling with a split personality and I don’t think that he will ever change. He has also used prostitutes since he has been married and says he won’t again but who knows?

I feel guilty for the affair but I was truly taken in by the nicer side of him and believed everything he said and in a future together. I know I should probably end it but I need some thoughts and hand holding please as I feel like I am going to have an emotional breakdown. Thank you.

No sympathy from me and yes I do judge you.
You deserve everything you get.
The nerve of you to get upset that he had sex with his wife ?
The fall out from this is going to be horrendous for his wife, your husband and all of the children involved.
Honestly the pain you've caused is immense and this big dollop of karma you've had now is nothing compared to how the innocent parties will feel.
How you try to justify yourself?
Vile

“the cheating and lies are uppermost in my mind. “

Umm...

He is a liar and a cheat and so are you, that's the harsh reality.

Moving on from that, I think he sounds like a horrid person. Remove his power by telling your husband about the affair yourself, and spend time healing your family relations. This should be your priority, whether you separate or not, you are still a family and you need to work together as parents.

Affairs never end well when there’s two other spouses and children involved. The man you are having an affair with sounds like a highly manipulative and abusive man.
This affair isn’t romantic. He doesn’t love you. He was getting what he wanted and that was sex.
He hasn’t been unfaithful to you as he is married to his wife. She and your husband and all the children are victims here.
You need to end things with this man. Immediately. You need to also end things with your husband because after this affair, you clearly have no respect for him and your marriage. I very much doubt you couldn’t make a go if things after a year of having an affair.
You need to be on your own and decide what you want from life. Build yourself back up before even considering dating again.
Mumsnet isn’t a place that’s kind to folk who come on here and tell them they’ve had an affair and what should I do.
Your head is a mess but I think you know that neither of these men in your life dare the one for you x
Stay strong and fix this mess. You can sort it out. Good luck x

Hope you're wearing your hard hat OP. You've set yourself up for some answers on here you wont like.

Yes it will all come out. He’s threatening to expose it, so you have the choice to wait around or expose it first. You know his wife

I'm not going to judge you, I can hear that you are hurting.

You already know yourself that you've behaved really badly. There's no excuse for having an affair, and you've got yourself entangled with a horrible, poisonous man. You know you need to end it, the sooner the better, and probably change jobs as well so you won't have any contact with him day to day.

As for your own marriage, you need to either work on that and try to rebuild it, or leave and start again. Neither will be easy. But the first thing you must do is end that toxic affair. I know you are in emotional turmoil right now, but you know what you have to do. Once you've done that, and removed him from your life, you can start to tackle what it was that led you to having an affair in the first place. I wish you well.

The fact you are both married aside. Even if this guy was single you need to walk away. He will never change and he is a nasty piece of work. Listen to people when they show you their true colours.

I know someone that this happened to. We actually fell out over it. But he turned out to be a real nasty piece of work, and stalked her. To stop his bullying she had to tell her husband. It was a big mess. I worked with the bloke she had the affair with, he was married too. He was livid she'd tried to walk away from him, saying "you just don't treat people like that". I always found that weird - he wasn't thinking about how he was treating his wife!

Of course it won’t work. This isn’t some Mills and Boon love affair. You’re both acting deplorably and he sounds like a nasty prick on top.

I think you know you need to end this now. And he's gonna tell your husband as soon as you do as he's clearly a poisonous person.
You did a stupid thing at a vulnerable time and unfortunately picked a nut job rather than a no strings arrangement with someone with no reason to rock the boat.
You're going to have to be incredibly strong and end this accepting the truth will come out because he will be vindictive.
You'll probably have to tell your husband as that will be awful enough but maybe lesser than him being confronted by this strange bloke.
I don't envy you.

Have you slept with your husband in the last year? When you are cheating on your partner, I think you have relatively Whaley ground for complaining about 'lying' given you're doing it daily.

Newsflash - man sleeps with his wife.

You sound like a perfect match. ❤️

So he's cheating on you. With his wife. Let that sink in for a second.

There are two separate issues for you here.

1. Do you want to end your marriage? If so you should do this as soon as a cleanly as possible as it isn't fair on your husband for you to hang around until you find a suitable replacement.
   If not you need to be open with your husband about the affair and work towards meaning your relationship.
2. Is your work colleague someone you want to have a relationship with. If the answer to this is 'no' (which I really think it should be as he sounds abusive and really quite unpleasant) you should immediately explain to your husband what has happened and then you both can decide if you want to continue in your marriage or not. If you want to carry on with your affair partner you still need to tell your husband and split up before you take things further.

The common factor in all these situations is that you need to tell your husband. This will also have the advantage of removing any power your affair partner feels he has over you.

You need to get away from this man and remove his power. You have your mental health to consider and need to protect yourself and the knock on effect on your children.

I agree with others the only way to do this is to tell your husband. It’s going to be hard. But I bet it will be a massive relief. What happens next will then be up to you and your husband to work out.

You’ve done a really stupid thing. I’m not going to condemn you. I understand marriages can be difficult to keep alive with children and throughout the decades. As a result some people make bad choices.

He sounds unhinged re threats to tell your DH and showing up at places he knows you are with your family. I would be worried that he would turn into a stalker once you end things with him, though I think you should end the affair and try to improve your marriage or accept its over and divorce so you are free to do what you want.

Oh and keep 1 thing in mind...if you become an ‘official couple’ with him, he will do the same thing to you as he did to his wife. We have a saying in my native language: the way you got him will be the same way you’ll lose him.

You’re amazed that the man you’re cheating with, who is also cheating on his wife, is capable of lying and cheating on you too? Are you really that dim? You two absolutely deserve each other and I’m sorry to say you deserve everything that’s coming to you. And it is coming, it’s all going to come out very soon. If you had one shred of decency in you, you’d come clean and leave your husband after you tell him what’s being going on. You owe him that at least.

As for the other guy, he sounds like a real winner, good luck to the both of you, you’ll need it

You have received some good, level headed advice so far.

You need to front up to Hubby on the state of your marriage. I would leave the other party out of it for the moment, but put your big girls pants on and do the decent thing and shift out for a while, giving you both time. If Hubby asks if someone else is involved, then I think you need to be honest to the basics, and not because the other bloke is threatening you. That bit is for the police to deal with.

Good luck.

I told him he had destroyed my belief in him because he had lied to me about not being interested in her over and over again and it will take time to rebuild trust

He's been spinning you a lie. Are you really that gullible that you'd fall for his bullshit?

How much do you really think he cares about trust, he wouldn't know the meaning of the word if it bit him on the arse.

You really need to learn the difference between someone telling you crap just to keep you quiet, and the truth. You've been living in a self-deluded bubble that you deserve to be treated with honesty when you're as bad as him.

You're both liars. You sound like a match made in heaven!

The man you're cheating with cheated with his own wife. I mean, I've read some things on MN. But this one...!

I hope he tells your husband, because you're a coward and won't face up to your situation.
If it will sound better coming from you, you might want to tell him quite soon.

You do, however, need to get away from him because he's a nasty manipulative piece of shit (unsurprising, really, given the circumstances).

I am not going to judge you.

You are in a horrible situation of intimate partner abuse that you can't talk to anyone about, or maybe even get meaningful recourse against him (protection order, non-mol order) via the courts because you work together.

This will be really hard because you really are a mess, with your head and heart all over the place.

But....

Please, please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. You are dealing with someone you need protection from, regardless of the circumstances, and experienced advice wrt how to deal with him and with the police.

Tell the BF your affair is over and that he is not to contact you any more. Put this in writing. Tell him you will report any further contact to the police.
Report to the police any further contact he attempts after you officially notify him, report any threats he makes, any blackmail attempts (threats about telling your H) and any stalking (showing up where your family is or any following, including unreasonable presence near you at work).

You need to talk to your HR department to see if you can be moved to another department or office, whatever your company might have available.

You haven't behaved honorably but affairs are not illegal, and you don't have to put up with blackmail, verbal abuse, threats or stalking - all of these are illegal and you have the right to the protection of the law when you are the victim of any of this.

You are dealing with a man who sounds very disturbed and dangerous.

Start looking for a new job immediately. You need to get as much distance between you and this man as possible.

And you need to talk to your H. Please do not try to blame him in any way for the affair.

Obv it goes without saying that there is no hope for this unwise relationship you have got involved in.

Your BF is a dangerous, abusive man. There is no hope for any sort of future with him unless you fancy a lifetime of all sorts of domestic abuse.

This is very simple. You need to put as much distance between you and the OM as possible. You need to decide if you want to move forward with your marriage or not. You’ve tried escapism and it’s landed you in this mess, maybe it’s time to honest with yourself and your H.

Your OM is very dangerous and you need to put the safety of your children above your want to keep hiding from reality.