Ending an affair because it will never work will it?

[anotherglassofred]

Please don’t judge me as I am in a mess right now and need some support.

I have been having an affair with someone at work for over a year. We are both married with kids. He said he didn’t love his wife and there was little intimacy. My husband is a good man but there has been no intimacy for some years.

For the first few months everything was great. He told me he loved me and I really thought we had found something amazing together. We had a few ups and downs but on the whole I thought we had a great future ahead worth giving up our marriages for.

He told me over and over again that he had no desire to sleep with his wife and that he couldn’t even bring himself to hold her hand let alone anything more. I asked him to be totally honest with me if he felt anything would happen between them and I would walk away. He made so many promises to me and we talked about a future together and how it would affect the kids and to try to do the right thing for everyone as much as you can in these situations.

Then 9 months in I found out he had slept with her.

He said it only happened once and that his head was in a mess. That he wants me to forgive him but doesn’t know why he did it.

I told him he had destroyed my belief in him because he had lied to me about not being interested in her over and over again and it will take time to rebuild trust. He seemed genuinely sorry so we have continued on but he wants me to walk away from my marriage right now. Which I can’t do because the cheating and lies are uppermost in my mind. I am so hurt and just want him to take ownership of what he did and allow me to heal before either of us make any huge decisions.

But as I try to heal he puts me right back by giving me a lot of verbal abuse. Saying that it is my hang up, that I am jealous, manipulative, needy, dictating his home life, that I have overstepped the boundaries, using him for sex. Loads more and he calls me names that nobody in my life has called me. All this is usually by text message. Every night. It is like mental torture.

He has threatened to tell my husband about us on more than one occasion, even turning up at places he knows we will be and telling me he is going to tell him. He drives past my house when I least expect it and I am on edge all the time thinking he is going to come in. He has also threatened to tell one of our mutual friends, who could tell my husband.

One moment he is nasty to me and the next so nice and apologising for what he did and trying to make amends. However tonight he messaged to say we aren’t a couple so actually he didn’t cheat or lie to me, I need to ‘face up to it’ and if it happens it is part of the situation! I have told him trust cannot possibly be rebuilt when he speaks to me like that let alone considering leaving our marriages. I am in tears yet again because he is so harsh and he makes out that It is always my fault.

He is very controlling with a split personality and I don’t think that he will ever change. He has also used prostitutes since he has been married and says he won’t again but who knows?

I feel guilty for the affair but I was truly taken in by the nicer side of him and believed everything he said and in a future together. I know I should probably end it but I need some thoughts and hand holding please as I feel like I am going to have an emotional breakdown. Thank you.

Get an appointment at the STD clinic
Speak to Womans Aid
Go to see a lawyer and start to divorce your DH. Do this for you, not because of the affair. Tell your DH you are divorcing him because the marriage is not working.
Go to the police and show them the messages from this man.
In the event he does tell your DH, you can tell DH this is PARTLY the reason why you are divorcing.

Get divorced and seek a better life for yourself. You fucked up but an awful lot of us have. The right thing to do now is the right thing. Divorce your DH. You can co-parent together and amicably hopefully.

There's a lot of mud being slung here.

This affair doesn't necessarily have to destroy your life but this unhinged asshole can.

Cut him off immediately. Have nothing to do with him.
If you want to stay with your husband you'll have to either be proficient at lying or come clean. If there is no proof that crazy ex-lover can come up with, I'd just lie and say that he's a lunatic who claims an infatuation. Maybe even mention it first. But if there is proof (like texts) then you'll need to tell the truth maybe.

I’m just sat here thinking, out there is a poor wife and a poor husband having no clue their partners are pieces of shit.

If you want to stay with your husband you'll have to either be proficient at lying or come clean.

Bollocks to that. She needs to tell him and they both need to get an STI check.

Whenever people on here complain about their husbands not giving them sex people harp on about how it's their 'right' to intimacy. Op you say your marriage hasn't had any intimacy for many years so it's not that surprising that your head was turned by someone. We are all only human.

But it does seem a little outrageous to be so upset that the man had sex with his own wife! You are the one having an affair here, remember that.

From what you have said the man sounds horrible anyway. He's cheating on his wife, abusing and threatening you and basically having his cake and eating it. Get rid. Remove his power by telling your husband yourself and then either work on fixing things or break up. But either way you need to get this man out of your life, he is going to ruin you.

Karma .. that's all. You deserve feck all.

Sorry can’t get past the fact you have lost belief and trust in him because he slept with his wife . Errr that’s already his character hence having an affair with you...

So have you not had sex with your DH in a year?

So when you say you found out '9 months later' that they had sex I guess you are really saying that his poor wife has just had a baby?

I'm going to leave the affair element aside as it's been well dealt with above.

This man is an abusive bully. It will never work out because he's abusive. You need to leave.

I don't think he will tell your husband. You definitely need to get rid of him though and either get a new job, or transfer to a different department.

Do you still want to be with your husband?

How awful you both are.
Your current spouses deserve better.
Get some therapy.

OP - I think you’ve had some harsh truths and not a great deal of sympathy- and I think that’s to be expected. But it’s clear that you’re hurting and I imagine you are suffering and in search of some kindness.
You sound either very young - or younger than your years, and unable to see the glaring inconsistencies in your hopes and expectations.

You see - your OM came across as being wonderful and caring because he wanted sex with you. That was an act and it couldn’t last.
You have gone into this relationship as if you are both love struck teenagers making promises with no responsibilities to anybody else. But you are both married - and you can’t see the absolute pain that you are causing to your unwitting DH and the wife of your OM as you demand control his sex life with his wife!! Just ...wow! Imagine how your DH will feel on discovering that you refused intimacy with him because you were being ‘faithful’ to your OM.
You’ve got yourself stung because while many people get away with it - you’ve got involved with a very nasty, abusive and destructive man.
Right now you’re scared, confused and lonely and wondering what happened to that feeling of joy at having found the love and connection you felt so many months ago.
It wasn’t real OP - and things are now becoming very real.
Your OM won’t tell your DH - because your DH might tell his wife. It’s that simple. And you should threaten to do the same if he ever tries taunting you again. He doesn’t love you and you must end it with him - no good will ever ever come of it.
But your OM is unpredictable (deliberately) - and you somehow need to tell your DH. Your OM could seek to cause trouble (and could prepare his wife to disbelieve anything she hears in advance).
It will be devastating all round but both your relationships are over. It will be a little easier for him and for you if your DH knows the truth. And it will mean that your OM will no longer have that hold over you.
And whatever happens in future relationships , try to fix them or end it before becoming entangled with someone else. I hope you find peace moving on OP because I think you’ve been childish and immature in your selfishness and you’ve been burned worse than others who have done the same.

He sounds fucking horrible. End it. Does he not think if he told your husband that you wouldn't tell his wife?
What a mess.
Mathanxiety had some good advice. He sounds do dodgy. Dont let him blackmail you.

This is a disaster OP. He is entitled to sleep with his wife. It is you he is not entitled to sleep with. You need to get rid of him and hope he doesn't tell your husband. If you play with fire you will get burned. You should focus your mind on damage limitation.

You know yourself you want to walk away.I am not judging you at all ,you are not the first or the last sadly .People will often get into a situation like this .Firstly maybe start to look for a new job? Tell BF its over ,and that you will be informing his wife if he tells your DH! Its probably an empty threat anyway.Can you get a transfer ? Seeing him each day will not be possible really .Can you work on your own relationship ,Sometimes things will go downhill when you are both working and caring for DC .Affairs can be a sort of distraction from Day to Day life ,but rarely wark out well as you have found out!

I can't believe you are still asking whether you should end the affair or not

You're in deep shit, but you need to start digging your way out. It's not going to be easy, it's going to be very messy and you'll stink but then what other choice do you have? What a sad sorry situation.

He slept with his wife?!

Shock horror.

Not a moments thought for your husband who is totally innocent in all this. If there has been no intimacy for years and you want a permanent relationship with someone else, then at least have the honesty to leave your own husband first rather than sneak around and lie behind his back.

Also no thought about your lover’s wife - also a total innocent in all this. She is actually entitled to have sex with your lover you know - unlike you!

I think you are a moral bankrupt and deserve all that’s coming to you. I hope your lover (or his wife) does tell your husband - hopefully in the most public and embarrassing way possible. Frankly if you lost your husband, the respect of your children and your job over all this, it would be a fraction of what you deserve.

I’ve had affairs. I have friends having affairs. I’ve been cheated on. It’s part of life even if we all want to pretend it isn’t.

But OP, never ever be so naive to believe someone capable of lying to their wife won’t also lie to you. Of course he sleeps with his wife. The “my wife won’t sleep with me” tripe is as old as the hills. Maybe she doesn’t maybe she does. But it’s fuck all to do with you.

Expecting fidelity from a man you are having an affair with was never going to end well.

God, I mean, you both sound awful. But yes of course you should finish it, this is not going to end anywhere good.

It sounds as though you are being treated as his wife has been. The fact he is treating you like this shows he isn't seeking affection elsewhere because he has felt lonely and needs affection (which isn't an excuse anyhow) but because he is an abusive person and now you are on the receiving end of it too. Its a shame there is little mention of your poor husband and children in this.

Also how did you find out he had slept with her just the once? Did she get pregnant hence him having to tell you it was just the once??

Ironic really how he is being painted as the abusive one.

Affairs are abuse to the betrayed spouses. The repercussions of that will last with them for the rest of their lives. The affairs won’t.