Ending an affair because it will never work will it?

[anotherglassofred]

Please don’t judge me as I am in a mess right now and need some support.

I have been having an affair with someone at work for over a year. We are both married with kids. He said he didn’t love his wife and there was little intimacy. My husband is a good man but there has been no intimacy for some years.

For the first few months everything was great. He told me he loved me and I really thought we had found something amazing together. We had a few ups and downs but on the whole I thought we had a great future ahead worth giving up our marriages for.

He told me over and over again that he had no desire to sleep with his wife and that he couldn’t even bring himself to hold her hand let alone anything more. I asked him to be totally honest with me if he felt anything would happen between them and I would walk away. He made so many promises to me and we talked about a future together and how it would affect the kids and to try to do the right thing for everyone as much as you can in these situations.

Then 9 months in I found out he had slept with her.

He said it only happened once and that his head was in a mess. That he wants me to forgive him but doesn’t know why he did it.

I told him he had destroyed my belief in him because he had lied to me about not being interested in her over and over again and it will take time to rebuild trust. He seemed genuinely sorry so we have continued on but he wants me to walk away from my marriage right now. Which I can’t do because the cheating and lies are uppermost in my mind. I am so hurt and just want him to take ownership of what he did and allow me to heal before either of us make any huge decisions.

But as I try to heal he puts me right back by giving me a lot of verbal abuse. Saying that it is my hang up, that I am jealous, manipulative, needy, dictating his home life, that I have overstepped the boundaries, using him for sex. Loads more and he calls me names that nobody in my life has called me. All this is usually by text message. Every night. It is like mental torture.

He has threatened to tell my husband about us on more than one occasion, even turning up at places he knows we will be and telling me he is going to tell him. He drives past my house when I least expect it and I am on edge all the time thinking he is going to come in. He has also threatened to tell one of our mutual friends, who could tell my husband.

One moment he is nasty to me and the next so nice and apologising for what he did and trying to make amends. However tonight he messaged to say we aren’t a couple so actually he didn’t cheat or lie to me, I need to ‘face up to it’ and if it happens it is part of the situation! I have told him trust cannot possibly be rebuilt when he speaks to me like that let alone considering leaving our marriages. I am in tears yet again because he is so harsh and he makes out that It is always my fault.

He is very controlling with a split personality and I don’t think that he will ever change. He has also used prostitutes since he has been married and says he won’t again but who knows?

I feel guilty for the affair but I was truly taken in by the nicer side of him and believed everything he said and in a future together. I know I should probably end it but I need some thoughts and hand holding please as I feel like I am going to have an emotional breakdown. Thank you.

the cheating and lies are uppermost in my mind

He cheated on his wife - with you.
You cheated on your husband - with him.
You are NOT the victim here.
You better tell your husband before he does.
If you don't want to be with your dh then separate. If you do BEG forgiveness. But don't stay with this guy, he's taking you for a complete fool.

OP I won't join the pile-on but a few questions for you to think about:

• What does your DH think the state of your marriage is? If you haven't had sex for several years then surely he doesn't believe you're both happy. Over the past year you've been having the affair (up til 3 months ago) would you say you've generally been higher mood?
• How old are your DC? Who is the main carer? Have you thought about their needs once your H finds out in the event that he wants you to leave?
• Do you work closely with the OM (Other Man)? If so, could you ask for a move into a different dept, or be looking urgently for another job? Would you be able to speak to HR and/or your line manager regarding his threats? He sounds frankly vile and abusive. He was getting what he wanted from you (sex and an illicit thrill) and once you took that off the table his true self came out.

Like PPs, I suggest that you have no choice but to inform your H what's been going on. Otherwise it sounds very like he will be informed by OM instead. Ask yourself, would you prefer to control* that, or he gets a random doorbell one evening and tosspot OM fronts up and says "Hey I've been knocking boots with your wife for 12 months".

Prepare yourself. Emotionally, practically and legally. If you think this will end your marriage (and given the lack of sex for years, it sounds like it should) take legal advice beforehand. Bear in mind that "adultery" has no more weight on any settlement than "separated for 2 years".

Given that you are married, he cannot force you to leave the marital house, but he can of course make things very difficult. Make sure you know your legal rights in case he does.

• This doesn't mean bullshitting your H by saying it's only been going on for a month or whatever. You need to be truthful. But it sounds like OM would deliberately be as hurtful as possible, and maybe exaggerate matters.

This is a no brainer ! He is abusive , and a liar and scarily controlling . And a cheat

End it NOW and get some evidence so if he threatens you , you can threaten him
Back

Get tough and get rid

Then get some counselling

@anotherglassofred

I think you need to end this he sound like a right catch

You know he's been sleeping with his wife all the time, right? Like 2/3 times a week since your affair started? Because he has, you know.

'There's no intimacy anymore' is 'The Script'.

I think your concern is the fear he might tell your husband .I doubt he will as he wants to remain married.
He is using this to control you.On the other hand he might just tell and you can’t take the risk.Regardless of this.You have to come clean and decide on where your going within your marriage.
I don’t see it surviving though
Posters have been rather calm with you.

Oh the irony.

There has never been a more appropriate time to say, "You reap what you sow."

I’m not judging OP, you did what you did. Now what are you going to do next?

This man sounds dangerous and abusive to me too. I also don’t think he will tell your husband because his wife will find out. He is controlling you. I actually think he is scared you will do just that so is being as horrible as he possibly can.

Walk away, cut him off, call it a day and block him. Never contact him again. Hope no one ever finds out and then make efforts to repair your marriage or call that a day too and start afresh.

No judgement from me - he’s an abusive bastard. You need to take the good advice on here and use it. Call women’s aid, speak to your employee and yes to the police.
He’s trying to bully and intimidate into you staying with him.
This is what abusive people do.

Yep, good luck with it OP. It'll all be great for the kids when it comes out.

"He lied to me...I said it would take time to rebuild trust"....says the woman who had sex with a married man for a year, both with children. Just read that sentence back and listen to the sound of jaws hitting the floor .

I have a lot of sympathy - not for you though. For lives of his wife, your dh and the children whose lives are going to be wrecked because you wanted to fuck someone.

"He told me over and over again that he had no desire to sleep with his wife and that he couldn’t even bring himself to hold her hand let alone anything more."

This is probably true. Whilst you were seeing this as a protestation of his love? DID IT EVER occur to you what that feels like for the wife to live with?

I will give you the name of what he was doing there. Its called gaslighting and emotional abuse.

He was dumping all his SHIT feelings of hatred and disgust ON TO HER and telling himself he was treating her like this because she deserved it being a shit frumpy wife and he deserved to be happy.

Think about what sort of a person does that. A selfish, abusive person. You have been warned.

"That he wants me to forgive him but doesn’t know why he did it. I told him he had destroyed my belief in him because he had lied to me"

This always makes me laugh. A man who is lying and betraying the person he made vows to in front of his family friends and community, who built a family with him ....

and OW is shocked and surprised he lies??????????

Give your head a wobble, go home, and deal with your husband at home. Therapy for you and gentle engagement with him.

No sympathy from me. Your poor husband and your poor poor kids. His poor wife and his poor poor kids. Many lies destroyed. Should’ve thought of that before you did what you did.

By the way:

"I have overstepped the boundaries, using him for sex. "

that is all projection (how he is treating his wife).

HE is doing all those things TO YOU. When a narcissist speaks, when they say 'you', they are actually saying 'I'.

I think honestly you need to walk away from both men. The OM is clearly not a nice person or somebody you would ever trust in a relationship and your OH deserves you be with someone who loves him enough to not cheat on him.
Good luck OP

You and your boyfriend are caught up in an obsession. It feels like no one understands the intensity of it all and you both feel compelled to act in crazy ways. It'll all fall apart soon as the obsession and intensity is increasing. Please think about your children in this mess. Obsession is not love, it comes from need and dependency

Op"..he has been sleeping with his wife the whole time you had the affair you do realise that. Get yourself checked for std as i suspect you not the only affair. Be kind to yourself here and end this affair. If not happy with husband why and maybe your marriage is at an end. If thats the case please let yourself recover and your children and just concentrate on them and no men for Abit.

Are there any children involved in this fuck up of a situation?

The best for everyone right now would be for you to end the relationship with the om and your husband and work on yourself. You obviously need it. Affairs never end well and this one is already messy. The whole situation sounds so unhealthy.

Break up with the om, come clean to your dh, take some time out to work on yourself.

You disgust me OP. How you can talk about your bit on the side cheating and lying to you by sleeping with his own wife is laughable. I have no sympathy for you whatsoever and you deserve all you get. If you’re not happy in your marriage then leave. Don’t have an affair and claim to be the victim.

I think you need to put distance between yourself and OM, who sounds like a liar and a manipulator. I also think you need to tell your husband the truth and decide (or let him decide, I suppose) what you want to do about your marriage.

Practical advice for you:

1. Stay calm. HE WILL NOT tell your husband. Why? Mutually Assured Destruction. If he tells your husband, his wife finds out.

1. You do not have to tell your husband. You DO once you have got out of this mess, need to be a better human being, and deal with your issues with therapy and engage with your husband. No sex is wierd and you need to get to the bottom of it. Then things will pan out as they are supposed to.

1. Ask to be transferred, find another job.

1. He is threatening you to keep access to sex. Nothing else. He is a woman hating, exploitative abuser. Now you know what he is like. Screenshot his very unwise messages and visit the police DV team. Nothing like a 'quiet word' from the DV team to get bullies back in their box. They might even ask his poor wife if she is OK.

1. STOP engaging with him.

1. Keep calm OP and take one day at a time, things will happen the way they will happen. You might extract yourself, it might all come out. It might be the making of you and the saving of his wife (poor soul). It currently feels like the end of the world, but there is a better life waiting for you, with the lessons you have learned about the real price of manipulation and abuse.

This is a big problem. Could you lose your jobs? What is the financial set up at home?

Regardless of how you ended up here, you have an enemy. How is your relationship with your husband. By telling him, you remove OMs power. But you could possibly lose your marriage. Unfortunately, the moment you were unfaithful that was a possibility.

In RL, I have seen affairs confessed and tbh, not much changes, especially in longer marriages. Unlike here were most posters giving advice seem to cut clean instantly

You need to speak to HR and your husband. Things may not be as awful as you think, even if you do divorce.

Astonishing situation.

It's amusing how the op seems to value honesty and feels betrayed by her adulterous lover.

What dreadful people they both sound.

Having said that, the man sounds dangerous, vicious and capable of really nasty stuff.

Op, how about you just come clean?

Wouldn't that be a weight off your shoulders? No more lies.

Tell your husband.

Tell the police how threatened you feel.

Move jobs.

Start again.

And perhaps learn the meaning of words like honesty, integrity, loyalty.

You ever know. It might stop you from getting involved with creeps like this again.

I’m not going to judge you badly either. When I read your OP I took it as the frightened plea of a woman who is way in over her head with an unstable, controlling and potentially dangerous man...whatever the set up.

Cutting the crap, my advice to you will be tough to swallow but I genuinely believe it’s the best thing you can do.

Tell your husband everything.
Come clean and accept that he may choose to initiate a split. You are not going to be able to conceal the affair from him. Even if this side-knob of a man you’re boffing doesn’t show up for a show down, your anxiety will give you away. Your h will work out that something is wrong by your behaviour.

Your ‘lover’ there is a sack of shit...but you know that now. He will blackmail, control and abuse you for as long as you allow this to go on. He is not going to quietly go away and remain a secret. It’s all going to crash and burn eventually. Fess up, ditch his sorry arse and deal with what happens next.
There’s no easy way out. If nothing else you can tell the truth.

Of course he lied to you. He's a liar and a cheat. Those characteristics are who he is generally, not just how he is towards his wife.

You are also a liar and a cheat and you don't like it when it happens to you.

My advice is end it with your lover. End your marriage.

Start again without men and work out who you are and what you want. Re-find your personal respect and integrity. Learn to be a kind compassionate person. Re-build