Ending an affair because it will never work will it?

[anotherglassofred]

Please don’t judge me as I am in a mess right now and need some support.

I have been having an affair with someone at work for over a year. We are both married with kids. He said he didn’t love his wife and there was little intimacy. My husband is a good man but there has been no intimacy for some years.

For the first few months everything was great. He told me he loved me and I really thought we had found something amazing together. We had a few ups and downs but on the whole I thought we had a great future ahead worth giving up our marriages for.

He told me over and over again that he had no desire to sleep with his wife and that he couldn’t even bring himself to hold her hand let alone anything more. I asked him to be totally honest with me if he felt anything would happen between them and I would walk away. He made so many promises to me and we talked about a future together and how it would affect the kids and to try to do the right thing for everyone as much as you can in these situations.

Then 9 months in I found out he had slept with her.

He said it only happened once and that his head was in a mess. That he wants me to forgive him but doesn’t know why he did it.

I told him he had destroyed my belief in him because he had lied to me about not being interested in her over and over again and it will take time to rebuild trust. He seemed genuinely sorry so we have continued on but he wants me to walk away from my marriage right now. Which I can’t do because the cheating and lies are uppermost in my mind. I am so hurt and just want him to take ownership of what he did and allow me to heal before either of us make any huge decisions.

But as I try to heal he puts me right back by giving me a lot of verbal abuse. Saying that it is my hang up, that I am jealous, manipulative, needy, dictating his home life, that I have overstepped the boundaries, using him for sex. Loads more and he calls me names that nobody in my life has called me. All this is usually by text message. Every night. It is like mental torture.

He has threatened to tell my husband about us on more than one occasion, even turning up at places he knows we will be and telling me he is going to tell him. He drives past my house when I least expect it and I am on edge all the time thinking he is going to come in. He has also threatened to tell one of our mutual friends, who could tell my husband.

One moment he is nasty to me and the next so nice and apologising for what he did and trying to make amends. However tonight he messaged to say we aren’t a couple so actually he didn’t cheat or lie to me, I need to ‘face up to it’ and if it happens it is part of the situation! I have told him trust cannot possibly be rebuilt when he speaks to me like that let alone considering leaving our marriages. I am in tears yet again because he is so harsh and he makes out that It is always my fault.

He is very controlling with a split personality and I don’t think that he will ever change. He has also used prostitutes since he has been married and says he won’t again but who knows?

I feel guilty for the affair but I was truly taken in by the nicer side of him and believed everything he said and in a future together. I know I should probably end it but I need some thoughts and hand holding please as I feel like I am going to have an emotional breakdown. Thank you.

No judgement from me
This "lover" sounds a nightmare and the best way to remove his power over you would be for you to tell your husband that you've been having an affair with this dreadful sounding man.

I'm assuming you want to finish the affair? I'd find a new job if you currently work with him, he sounds very nasty indeed. You need to put a lot of distance between you both.

I also think you and your husband should both evaluate your marriage and make joint decisions over what to do going forward. It is of course possible you might decide to stay together and try and make a go of things.

I don't think the OP is coming back

TO DO:

End the affair. He is abusive and he doesn’t actually care about you.

Work on your marriage, or end your marriage. You don’t actually care about your husband, you are just hedging your bets on who to be with.

TO REALISE:

A married couple have every right to have sex with each other - this is not cheating.

You cannot “build trust back up” with someone who is shagging someone behind their spouses back. They cannot be trusted in the first place, so there is nothing to build back up.

“ But as I try to heal he puts me right back by giving me a lot of verbal abuse. Saying that it is my hang up, that I am jealous, manipulative, needy, dictating his home life, that I have overstepped the boundaries, using him for sex. Loads more and he calls me names that nobody in my life has called me. All this is usually by text message. Every night. It is like mental torture.

He has threatened to tell my husband about us on more than one occasion, even turning up at places he knows we will be and telling me he is going to tell him. He drives past my house when I least expect it and I am on edge all the time thinking he is going to come in. He has also threatened to tell one of our mutual friends, who could tell my husband.

One moment he is nasty to me and the next so nice and apologising for what he did and trying to make amends.“

He is abusive. No one is saying he’s the ‘abusive one’ - but he is the more abusive. That behaviour is coercive control, emotional and verbal abuse.

He is abusive, don't move out to be with him (why should you be the one to do it first, anyway?) Please don't get in a proper relationship with him under any circumstances. He would be (and is) very nasty to be with.

He's also fucking with your head- the more you have to do with him the worse you'll feel.

You can consider your feelings for your husband and whether you want your marriage to carry on, once you've split with this wrong'un.

Grow up. This isn't EastEnders! You are selfish and quite happy to go into victim mode, when it suits. If he was treating you like a queen, you wouldn't even be posting on here.

Quoting Lou Reed:
“You’re going to reap just what you sow.”

I’m not going to get into your naivety over believing the lies of a cheat.

Your DH and your lover’s wife deserve decent people.

No judgement from me.
You need to end this relationship with him. He is controlling and abusive. Even if you were both single this relationship shouldn't carry on. It's toxic. You need to decide if you should work on your marriage or split up from your husband too.
I believe these are empty threats from him because if he told your husband then his wife would find out one way or another and it doesn't sound like he wants her to know. He doesn't want to end his marriage for you. He doesn't see a future for the two of you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. It is him using you for sex. He's told you what you wanted to hear to keep your mouth shut and legs open for him.

Oh OP. What a mess. This is the reality of an affair I'm afraid - you can't reasonably expect for trust or fidelity, as you can in a normal relationship, because the foundation is built on lies and deceit.

Finish the affair. Tell your husband (so the OM no longer has the power to blackmail you). Work through your marriage and whether both of you want to stay together.

It’s just shocking how the cheating disloyal man lied to you OP. I can’t believe it.

You who deserve so much respect, because you would never lie and cheat. Surely you of all people deserve fidelity and loyalty?

Oh. Wait. No.

‘Woman who lives in world of lies annoyed about being lied to’.

You’re going to hav an emotional breakdown, what about your DH and children when they find out.

He’s cheated with his wife, what was he expected to do, tell his wife he couldn’t have sex with her because he’s being faithful to you!!!

You’ve carried in the affair whilst he says horrible things to you and sends nasty texts at night. WHY?

You both sound crazy

Thank you everyone for all your comments and suggestions. I know I have behaved terribly and deserve all the nasty comments. But for all of you that have given practical advice I thank you from the bottom of my heart and take everything you have all said on board. It’s going to be a tough road ahead and I wish I had never got involved now he has shown his true colours.

As for the work situation we are on different floors in a large office and sometimes he works in another office anyway so he is relatively easy to avoid. I don’t feel quite ready to speak to HR but will save all the messages in case they are needed if he gets worse. I am quite scared he will stalk me once I end it. Which I know I need to do.

I am overwhelmed by you responses so thank you.

I have never read anything in my life where the guilty party act as if the wife is the OW! Wow!

Op, leave him for your own benefit. Out of respect to your husband...leave him too or at least be honest to him about affair.

OP, what a state you've got yourself into.

I took a some of the things that you said and I'll translate them into what I think is the core of the upset for you:

He told me over and over again that he had no desire to sleep with his wife and that he couldn’t even bring himself to hold her hand let alone anything more.
This was setting the scene, giving the 'terms of reference' for the relationship and the green light. Not true either.

I asked him to be totally honest with me if he felt anything would happen between them and I would walk away.
That's not true. You wanted to police his relationship with his wife to make sure that you were the 'only one' and that you'd been elevated to principal position in his affections and desires.
You've kidded yourself that you wanted to know so that you 'would walk away'. If you truly felt like that, you wouldn't have 'walked there' in the first place. This was all about ego-preservation, sorry.

He made so many promises to me and we talked about a future together and how it would affect the kids and to try to do the right thing for everyone as much as you can in these situations.
Why was he 'in charge' so much? If you would have really wanted to do the relationship 'proper' the only way would have been to call a break to the affair, take the time to end what you had with your respective spouses - and then start anew. Anything else just leaves you with baggage.

Then 9 months in I found out he had slept with her.
He said it only happened once and that his head was in a mess. That he wants me to forgive him but doesn’t know why he did it.
Because he's a liar and you'd be a fool to believe this was only once and only at the 9-months-in point*.

I told him he had destroyed my belief in him because he had lied to me about not being interested in her over and over again and it will take time to rebuild trust.
This is hogwash, sorry. You were deeply hurt because you believed that you were the 'only one'. His wife did/does too. It is supremely arrogant of you to talk of 'taking time to rebuilt trust'. You are both lying to your spouses and there is no trust, how can there be?

He seemed genuinely sorry so we have continued on but he wants me to walk away from my marriage right now. Which I can’t do because the cheating and lies are uppermost in my mind. I am so hurt and just want him to take ownership of what he did and allow me to heal before either of us make any huge decisions.
Again, you're allowing him to take the lead on everything. Why is that? The cheating and lies are par for the course and the realisation is painful for you yet the irony is lost. Be honest, you are putting yourself in the position of a girlfriend 'proper' when that position isn't available to you because he has the 'encumbrance' of a wife still. That's why you're hurting. It's not going to stop either. Just a newsflash for you - if you want it to stop hurting then this has to stop.

The only way to have the relationship you want with this man is to 're-set'. Break, end the marriages, take the shit-storm in your stride - start building a new and authentic relationship with the new ground-rules that everybody has.

I was an OW myself, I know where you're coming from and as I've just said on another thread - at the start of an affair, the glister prevents you from seeing sense, that you could still get out without harm done to yourself or anybody else... and by the time you realise that you're in too deep, you've lost control. That is a terrible position to be in and the only way is out. Completely OUT, with whatever damage you've incurred to yourself and caused to others. No other way.

Take this time to think about the REAL situation, what is actually happening here - and imagine the horror of Christmas Future (and birthdays future, graduations future, etc.) with the outfall of what the two of you are setting the scene for.

A sensible woman would stop. Just stop it now. While you still can. Don't completely lose your authentic self, it's hard-won and precious.

Applauds mathaniety's post loudly; that is really good advice, OP. Read it and re-read it.

This is a horrible situation and I do feel sorry for you even though it's entirely of your own making.
Start applying for a new job now. You also need to face the idea that you'll probably have to tell your husband. It may be the only way to remove the blackmailing threat if the OM is as manipulative as he sounds. Telling your husband may end the marriage but could also lead to an increased intimacy and honesty for you both. There's no way of knowing how it'll pan out, but you do need to avoid your husband finding out from someone else.

Sorry, you should be judged and you don't deserve support

This kind of shit is why people think MN is a vile place.

He told me over and over again that he had no desire to sleep with his wife and that he couldn’t even bring himself to hold her hand let alone anything more

Ah. That old chestnut. Some men will say whatever they know it takes to get free sex and attention.

Agree MintyMabel, it's right up their with the thick-witted comments about 'karma' too.

This kind of shit is why people think MN is a vile place.

No the kind of person the OP is makes it vile. And those who think it's OK and people who do this are victims. Anyone who doesn't think this is all kinds of messed up is just as bad.

Pretty crappy my comment was removed though. It was no worse than many others saying the same.

Funny how if this was the wife or a man everyone would be condemning the cheat. But no it's a frail woman so theres always a cheer squad with low morals to make out those who tell her she's a creep are in the wrong.

Ridiculous.

Absolom, where is anybody 'cheering' the OP on? There's one poster who is also having an affair, not cheering the OP on though.

But, how much better and more helpful the thread is now that you've given the OP a piece of your mind.

I didn't report your post but I'm glad it's gone. Tricoteuse are so yesterday (by about 200 years...).

Oh god give me strength...

There's so much I would like to say here ... but I won't as I try to be respectful on MN

Just end it ffs
He's not that into you
Its all a fucking time bomb and you're going to be the one left without your DH, maybe your kids and definately be left without this dude. If it all comes out he'll stick with his wife
Have a bit of respect for yourself and everyone else and just end this for good

Maya Angelou ... "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

Simple way out, deal with the consequences of your own actions: tell your husband and get a new job (and probably a new life if your DH is not interested in “saving the marriage”)

To be honest OP, most marriages are already long dead before an affair happens, be brave and fair and split from DH before loving on with your life. It won’t be easy or comfortable but you won’t be living in a lie.

Moving not loving