Ending an affair because it will never work will it?

[anotherglassofred]

Please don’t judge me as I am in a mess right now and need some support.

I have been having an affair with someone at work for over a year. We are both married with kids. He said he didn’t love his wife and there was little intimacy. My husband is a good man but there has been no intimacy for some years.

For the first few months everything was great. He told me he loved me and I really thought we had found something amazing together. We had a few ups and downs but on the whole I thought we had a great future ahead worth giving up our marriages for.

He told me over and over again that he had no desire to sleep with his wife and that he couldn’t even bring himself to hold her hand let alone anything more. I asked him to be totally honest with me if he felt anything would happen between them and I would walk away. He made so many promises to me and we talked about a future together and how it would affect the kids and to try to do the right thing for everyone as much as you can in these situations.

Then 9 months in I found out he had slept with her.

He said it only happened once and that his head was in a mess. That he wants me to forgive him but doesn’t know why he did it.

I told him he had destroyed my belief in him because he had lied to me about not being interested in her over and over again and it will take time to rebuild trust. He seemed genuinely sorry so we have continued on but he wants me to walk away from my marriage right now. Which I can’t do because the cheating and lies are uppermost in my mind. I am so hurt and just want him to take ownership of what he did and allow me to heal before either of us make any huge decisions.

But as I try to heal he puts me right back by giving me a lot of verbal abuse. Saying that it is my hang up, that I am jealous, manipulative, needy, dictating his home life, that I have overstepped the boundaries, using him for sex. Loads more and he calls me names that nobody in my life has called me. All this is usually by text message. Every night. It is like mental torture.

He has threatened to tell my husband about us on more than one occasion, even turning up at places he knows we will be and telling me he is going to tell him. He drives past my house when I least expect it and I am on edge all the time thinking he is going to come in. He has also threatened to tell one of our mutual friends, who could tell my husband.

One moment he is nasty to me and the next so nice and apologising for what he did and trying to make amends. However tonight he messaged to say we aren’t a couple so actually he didn’t cheat or lie to me, I need to ‘face up to it’ and if it happens it is part of the situation! I have told him trust cannot possibly be rebuilt when he speaks to me like that let alone considering leaving our marriages. I am in tears yet again because he is so harsh and he makes out that It is always my fault.

He is very controlling with a split personality and I don’t think that he will ever change. He has also used prostitutes since he has been married and says he won’t again but who knows?

I feel guilty for the affair but I was truly taken in by the nicer side of him and believed everything he said and in a future together. I know I should probably end it but I need some thoughts and hand holding please as I feel like I am going to have an emotional breakdown. Thank you.

Hand your notice in and go off sick for the duration of your notice. Get a new job and don't ever get involved with a colleague again, unless your marriage ends and you are single. Block the affair man on everything so he can't contact you. Come clean with your husband. There's nothing else you can do really.

he cheating and lies are uppermost in my mind

You’re a cheat. You get that, don’t you? You are no better than him in that regard.

it might all come out. It might be the making of you and the saving of his wife (poor soul)

Poor souls indeed. What about the OP’s husband? He is also being cheated on. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to decide if he wants to continue in a marriage with a cheating wife? Or does he not matter? He probably didn’t sign up for a marriage without intimacy either but I bet he’s not shagging someone else and working out how to keep it from his wife.

You made your bed, OP. Sadly, the people who have to live with it are your husband and your partner’s wife.

1. put an end to it.
2. tell your husband so he can decide if he wants to be with a cheater.

Job done.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Start looking for another job pdq
Back away from this person, he is going to try and cause you harm if he doesn’t get the reaction he wants - he is an abusers
Call woman’s aid, the Samaritan
Yes you’ve done something you shouldn’t but you don’t deserve this
Stop answering his texts, change your number, put as much distance as you can between you and him
Be aware you you do this he try very hard to keep hold if you - so do turn your phone off but ideally get another number

OP you have no option but to tell your husband and to block the lunatic boyfriend. Take whatever consequences come your way but you cannot stay under his control and power, feeling nervous and being verbally abused. Who the fuck does he think he is? He's a nutter, that's all. Listen, this is a weird mess, your mind is in a mess too, expecting commitment from someone else's husband. Block him, report him and get therapy. Concentrate on making it up to your family

By the way...and I do say this with kindness...your perspective on his ‘betrayal’ is pretty mind-blowing. YOU are the cuckoo in the nest, not his WIFE! You are upset and shocked that a liar and a cheat has lied and cheated on you with his actual WIFE?!
Give yourself a shake love.

Why would you do this to not only your husband and children , but also another innocent partner and her children ? After seeing what my Mum went through when my Dad went off with a woman for over a year despite him having three kids , I have no sympathy . You got yourself in this mess and your poor husband and kids are going to be devastated . You need to tell your husband before your colleague does . Either way it’s not going to be nice .
What a tangled web we weave

@anotherglassofred The man’s a cheat, did you seriously think he’s a good catch. You won’t have been the first and you won’t be the last. You’re no better OP. My first marriage ended because of my vile cheating husband and his disgusting mistress, no sympathy whatsoever. You deserve it.

I think you have by now realised that the man you are having an affair with is a nutter. And given the choice between the two would rather stay in your marriage. Logical choice. But unfortunately it's not really your choice to make as your affair partner seems likely to want some revenge on you for walking away from him.
It must be bloody hard work living in your nerves all the time. I feel sorry for you on that score.But you are going to have to find some courage and tell your husband. It's the only way to put an end to the nightmare situation you have put yourself in.

If you want to keep your marriage be very sure about that and tell your h that from the beginning. Don't dilly dally around on that-it would be very unfair on top of everything else. He may still choose to end your marriage but that's the risk you've taken.

All That said your marriage didn't sound a happy one hence I assume why the affair happened. This is a horrible way to end a marriage but maybe that's ultimately the best thing all round. I can see where your head is-you feel like you wanted something else to go to in order to make ending your marriage 'worth it'. It hasn't worked out like that but there are worse things to be than single...maybe a bit of time on your own to work out what you want might actually be what you need?

Lots of very harsh comments on here. OP it sounds like you were in an unhappy loveless marriage for quite a while before the affair started.

You met this guy who, given all that has happened, probably sensed your vulnerability and desire to feel loved and told you exactly what you wanted/needed to hear. What he told you was a pack of lies, a fantasy to keep you his and someone he could control.

Now he is loosing control he is trying to get it back! What he is doing is illegal e.g. blackmail, stalking and harassment.

The steps you needs to take are:
Contact women’s aid
Tell him to stop contacting you and that you will inform the police if he continues
Tell HR (I know this is embarrassing but he is relying on that to continue to abuse you) show them the text messages etc...

Longer term, you need to think whether the stability / friendship of your marriage is enough to live without love (and given how easily you fell for his lies, it sounds like it isn’t). You need to talk to someone both individually and possibly a couple. I think you might be happier long term single.

Oh darling you are in cuckoo land about this.

You need to step back and look at what it is. It's a dirty, nasty, seedy affair which is going to destroy 2 families.

Not sure how you're seeing it in your head but it ain't no mills and boons romance.

You're going to have to tell your husband, you can't live like this.

I wish you all the best in the future OP, because you're going to have a rough time from now on.

We all make mistakes but hopefully you'll learn from this. You sound very young.

OP you got with a man who was lying and cheating on his wife. Why did you think you were better than her and that he wouldnt lie to you?

Do you see the ridiculousness of being angry that he had sex with his wife? She is the one he should be having sex with. Not you.

If he was going to leave her for you, he would have done.

Do you also see that you are angry at hom for being a liar and a cheat, when you are a liar and a cheat?

I get that he is a wanker. But you are a grown woman. You were fully aware of his morals when you started sleeping with him and lowered your own morals to start the affair.

He dragged you in because you let him. You believed that what he was doing to Her wouldnt happen to you because you were some how better, he loved you more etc but he didnt leave her before starting an affair. You feel for it because you wanted to.

TheletterZ excellent kind throughout advice

I'm also having an affair and as far as I can know, neither of us are intimate with our spouses. Affairs ironically perhaps take trust and honesty, but I trust he doesn't lie to me.

This isn't a requirement for an affair to work, often both partners are still actively having sex with their spouses, and they just don't talk about it. It's about compartmentalising, that stuff has nothing to do with your relationship together and is part of the life in which you have no place.

However, regardless of that, your bf sounds like a nut job. Emotionally abusive and controlling.

As a poster above highlighted, he tries to take you down and you can do the same to him. Unless he's an idiot he'll understand that.

Get rid now.

Ok, practical advice.

• Accept that you’re likely going to be single. Your BF is a piece of shit. Even if you were both single, I’d be telling you to run for the hills from that one. Given the state of your marriage and the affair, it’s likely your marriage is going to end. Be single.
• Get some legal advice in preparation for your marriage ending.
• Work our your job situation. If I were you, I’d leave. Leaving a job though, your husband might question why. Working with an abusive ex, is a no-go. You’re in a lose-lose situation there.
• Sign up for therapy. You’ll need to work through this abusive relationship and find the cause of cheating. It’ll take time. Be patient with it.
• Tell your husband. It is unlikely that the other man will tell your husband but not impossible. If he’s treating you that way, he’s treating his wife worse. Depending on the level of abuse in their marriage, he might tell everyone to hurt you and her. Tell him first. Tell him you’re in therapy. If he wants to work on the marriage, that is his decision.
• Prepare yourself for the backlash. Therapy will help with that.

The situation is escalating. So it’s time to come clean and take steps to end the situation. Your BFs behaviour will continue to get worse. Don’t bury your head in the sand with this.

Two issues here
The way he is behaving
The way you are behaving

This man has danger written all over him. He is controlling and abusive, even has no issue to be emotionally abusive to you whilst he is cheating with you! Don’t try to repair anything and leave. Please, just cut him off your life and move on. I would even consider involving the police for harrassement.
And yes he might tell your DH or You might have to come out clean if you want the police protection. But he is looking like a danger in himself (please remember that the most dangerous time for women who live in an abusive relationship is when they leave)

Then there is you and your year long affair. From what you are saying, I’m getting the feeling you aren’t intimate with your DH and there is little left in your marriage. So why staying, doing things that you know are wrong and will be hurtful. Hurtful to your DH, your dcs and yourself???

You need to step back from that man. And I would go and have counselling for yourself. Imo you need to come clean to your DH, regardless of what will happen afterwards. And then find a better way to find happiness and love than having an affair which will always leave you wanting more.

@Notallitseemstobe bless ya, you have no idea.

Are you very young too or just very naive?

And yes I'm just some twat on the internet that knows fuck all about your life. But I'm an old twat and heard your story many, many, many times.

Step back and look at why you're having the affair, are there kids involved? This affair will eventually, destroy your life.

Honesty it's not how you're seeing it in your head!!! It's not romantic and sweet. It's sordid and dirty and you're lying to everyone. Is that the person you are?

What a mess. I think the only way you can end this is to sit down with your husband and tell him you have been having an affair. Where it goes from there will be up to him. He might forgive you and together you can work on your marriage. He might end it. You might even decide you would prefer a clean break. It’s going to be painful but I don’t think there is a pain free way out of this situation and him hearing it from you is going to be less humiliating for him than from a spiteful ex-lover or a mutual friend.

The sooner you do it the sooner you can take control and start to rebuild your life. Whatever the outcome I would strongly recommend you go to relationship counselling either together or singly to try and prevent something similar happening again in the future.

OK.

OP, nothing to add other than I hope you take on board all that has been said - and suggest that you get yourself tested for all STIs.

I really do question the intelligence of people sometimes.

He is cheating on his wife and lying to her, why on earth do you think he would treat his affair partner any better?

He's given you the "classic" script about no affection or sex from his wife. ALL men who cheat say that exact thing and they are usually lying.

You are going to have to face facts. Dump him, tell your husband and give him the option of whether he wants to stay with you or not.

Instead of tackling your marriage problems head on, you've taken the cowardly way out of having an affair. You've made your bed and you will have to lie in it.

Once a cheat, always a cheat.

Your angry that he cheated on you with his wife.

Jesus Christ.

OP you need to end the affair and your marriage. Your husband needs to know what has been going on and he needs to hear it from you before he hears it from.your affair partner.

You need to be very clear with your affair partner that you want no more contact, and if he continues with his behaviour that you will report him for harassment.