Healthy Sex Life

[ANormalHusband]

Hello all, I'm sure many of you have heard all this before but I'm looking for some advice.

My DW and I have been together for over 10 years and have two children (Younger than 10). We're both in our early thirties.

Over the last year or so I've become increasingly frustrated over my DWs lack of interest in sex and unwillingness to try to spice things up a bit. Prior to this we've always had a fairly healthy sex life but I just feel like things have slowed right down over the last year or so and her interest in sex is really low. Which she admits herself.
We still do it maybe once a week. But even then it's a "quick one" which in some ways I'd rather not bother with. I also work away for a number of weeks so feel like when I'm home we should be making up for lost time.
When I'm away I try to do a bit of flirting via text to build up some excitement but she just says she's not into it and shuts me down.
All of this has ended up with me feeling pretty depressed and moody as I feel like there must be an issue and she no longer finds me attractive in that way. She's adamant there's nothing wrong and I'm just being paranoid.

I've tried talking to her, suggested different things like adult board games, etc but she just will not entertain the conversation. She just gets upset and says that I'm putting to much pressure on it, and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it and gets uptight and if I relax more then it will happen more naturally.
I've tried this, and left any initiation to her but most of the time nothing happens other than a quickie (Which I think she just does to get it out of the way) which then leads back to me feeling down and moody. It just seems like we're stuck in a viscous circle and I don't know what I need to do to get out of it!?
Other than that our relationship is fine. We bicker about little things like most but nothing serious.
She's has a great figure and I compliment her all the time and tell her how attractive I find her and she's not overly body conscious. That I know of anyway.

Am I expecting too much?
I just want a bit more fun, excitement and intimacy.
Any advice?

He will also make pancakes for all the DC and keep them quiet while I get a good lie in even though he's worked twice the hours, and volunteered for almost as many.

Sorry but that just sounds like your partner is being taken advantage of. Why are you proud of laying in bed while he cooks for the kids having worked twice the number of hours you have?

I think in trying to demonstrate how a give and take relationship is the best road to hot fucking I've given too much weight to one side and it makes me sound like a cock lodger! On the flip side, the once in a while pancake lay-in neglects to mention I have a much younger terrible sleeper DC so what I was trying to demonstrate is that even though I'd never in a million years ask for it, DP recognises that sometimes I'm on my knees with tiredness (we don't live together) and will entertain the DC (just sneak out of bed stealthy if he hears them wake before I do) to give me a precious extra hour catch up. It's not so often that I'm a lazy cunt about it. What my post misses out completely is that I would and do go to the ends of the earth for him too. If I make soup at home I make double and drop it off for midweek easy lunches for him. I take interest in his hobbies even though some baffle me 😆 I make his bed to military precision when I over because he loves getting into it at night...etc etc. What i tried (qnd failed) to demomsrate is that it's the acts of caring that keeps a relationship 'alive'. Someone really loving you in a demonstrative way, no matter how big or small the act, it's the thinking of your partner, the love in action, that makes a huge difference to desire in a relationship. Love is a verb.

Most here would say dump his ass and find some better dick if roles were reversed.

So id say have a good chat with her and tell her she's not satisfying you sexually and you're giving it 6 months to improve. Spend that 6 months being the best H ever and if you're not getting good regular sex then move out and move onto someone with a higher sex drive. No one deserves to live with blue balls and unhappy forever because of someone's low libido.

Good luck op.

Cecilandsnail

I agree with your last post. Love is definitely a two way street. I don't like the posts that are telling the op a long list of things that he should be doing for his wife with no reciprocation.

Live isn't about one partner being a doormat or waiting on the other partner hand and foot is it? It should be a true partnership where you do things for each other.

So id say have a good chat with her and tell her she's not satisfying you sexually and you're giving it 6 months to improve

I'd love to know how that chat would turn out.
I'd take my bet at you being given 6 min to pack.

Love how the mens came to hijack the thread explain our drives to us and tell women they need to do more for their men because clearly they aren't doing enough as it is

To OP
Is it possible to have a job that doesn't involve being away for weeks? Like other posters said, it's difficult to have a marriage while apart.

I believe @Needsomebottle gave the best response for how to actually start connecting again.

When you arrive home, are you making more chores for her to do? As in coming in with a big pile of dirty laundry for her to do and then having to pack your bag before you go again? just asking.

I think you really care about your marriage and that's a great thing. I also think you're beginning to understand that men and women tend not to think alike when it comes to sex.

Start slowly like Needsomebottle suggested. You mentioned your DW being a friend. Think about that part. What do good friends do together? Hang out, talk, eat crap, etc.

Good luck

@Cecilandsnail

I’m glad my husband doesn’t make me work that hard for sex. For us, it simply takes a look or a touch and thank god, because I like sex to be fun not a well earned reward.

You're missing the point. It's not about a massive to-do list that you tick off and get sex in return.

It's that couples often end up taking each other for granted and life becomes a rut and a slog, and it's not a sexy place to be. Making the effort to reconnect, lift your partner's load a bit, show interest in them as a person not just sexually, make them feel valued and look at things from their viewpoint is good for the relationship generally as well as the sex life.

• I'd love to know how that chat would turn out. I'd take my bet at you being given 6 min to pack.*

Which might well be a lucky escape for this guy. He could jump through all the hoops and still be nowhere.

Start by doing 50% of the housework willingly and without waiting to be asked.

Stop with the talking and sexting about sex all the time. If she wants this kind of communication she will initiate it. If she doesn't then it isn't doing it for her.

If this doesn't improve things then relationship counselling will probably help a lot as it sounds like the two of you simply don't communicate well.

You're missing the point. It's not about a massive to-do list that you tick off and get sex in return.

Exactly. It's about all sorts of intimacy. Don't expect physical intimacy if there's hardly any partnership or emotional intimacy. Sexy talk and sexting doesn't create intimacy. It's in addition to.

General question to the floor, not related to the OP; how might a man promote emotional intimacy if his wife is a very poor communicator, introverted and not forthcoming with her inner feelings, finding in depth discussion challenging?

Probably think about how he got to know her originally, what is was like in the "courting" stages and what's changed, and how they've got to this point. This should probably give some food for thought as to how to reconnect. If she's completely shut down from him, then ask her to go to relationship counselling.

Courting and real life are entirely different though aren't they?

I've known my DH for 28 years. We would go round art galleries, go to the theatre, go to clubs, comedy clubs, go away for weekends. It was all fun, no responsibility. Fast forward nearly 30 years and factor in children, bills, mortgages, chronic health conditions... We wouldn't be able to connect how we did when courting.

Can someone explain why the person who is out at work then has to do 50% of the housework too? I'm not getting that. What does the sahp do all day?

How do you expect to stay connected if you don't take time with each other and have fun and just take the foot off the pedal together sometimes?

How do you find the time? Particularly in the ops case where he works away from home. So they won't have every evening together. That's very hard whichever way you look at it.

Even for couples living together it's tough. My DH works 6 days a week, 50 hours a week and then does pretty much everything at home because I can't. Where do you just make this extra time from?

If you don't prioritise the relationship, you can only expect it to get into a rut and deteriorate. If your life/work balance is crap, then something's got to give.

@category12

But both partners have to prioritise the relationship surely...not just one person. That would mean the wife taking some responsibility and wanting to do something about the situation too.
Op has tried to speak to her. She’s declined to respond.

Okay I can kind of relate to this, woman are much more in need of attention, affection & help to make them feel more free & in the "mood" if my OH did the washing up & put the kids to bed I'd be waiting in bed for him 😂.
Don't go on at her otherwise it's a chore & no one wants to feel like they're being obligated to have sex with someone.
Help out & why not leave her alone without going on about sex & let her come to you wanting you

DBML, I was responding to groundfloor's more general post and then hearhoovesthinkzebras. AFAIK the OP has said he'd got what he wanted from the thread and left.

I'm old so when I listen to what a lot women on here say it makes me laugh. When I was your wife's age I couldn't get enough of the fun. You see a 30 year old female or male should still have the the irrational sex hormones still raging through them and being tired is no excuse. At that age something else wrong, either physically or mentally but something is not right. Brought up on a farm and also being married to a farmer I used to milk the cows at 5 in the morning and sometimes had to work 48 hours non stop but I always had time for sex. No you have a problem and it may or not be your fault, but all this advice about telling her how she looks and you doing more housework won't make a blind bit of difference, there is something else and could be someone else ever thought of that.

how might a man promote emotional intimacy if his wife is a very poor communicator, introverted and not forthcoming with her inner feelings, finding in depth discussion challenging?

Emotional intimacy doesn't require in depth discussions.
It's about being there for one another. Picking up non verbal clues. Actually listening. Talking about his own things and feelings. Creating a safe environment to share those feelings.

If she's shutting down, something is wrong. We can't say what, because there are always two sides to a story, but there is.

A quickie - that you know she does not really want - WTF. And going round with a face like a smacked arse if you don't get 'enough' sex. You'd get my boot up your backside.

You see a 30 year old female or male should still have the the irrational sex hormones still raging through them and being tired is no excuse

Biologically you’re right but this younger generation nowadays are all so depressed or “touched out” or whatever it is that their hormones are rather on the wane it seems.

You'd think people would grow wiser with age, but apparently not.