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Original poster

Healthy Sex Life

247 replies

ANormalHusband · 15/11/2019 20:29

Hello all, I'm sure many of you have heard all this before but I'm looking for some advice.

My DW and I have been together for over 10 years and have two children (Younger than 10). We're both in our early thirties.

Over the last year or so I've become increasingly frustrated over my DWs lack of interest in sex and unwillingness to try to spice things up a bit. Prior to this we've always had a fairly healthy sex life but I just feel like things have slowed right down over the last year or so and her interest in sex is really low. Which she admits herself.
We still do it maybe once a week. But even then it's a "quick one" which in some ways I'd rather not bother with. I also work away for a number of weeks so feel like when I'm home we should be making up for lost time.
When I'm away I try to do a bit of flirting via text to build up some excitement but she just says she's not into it and shuts me down.
All of this has ended up with me feeling pretty depressed and moody as I feel like there must be an issue and she no longer finds me attractive in that way. She's adamant there's nothing wrong and I'm just being paranoid.

I've tried talking to her, suggested different things like adult board games, etc but she just will not entertain the conversation. She just gets upset and says that I'm putting to much pressure on it, and doesn't feel comfortable talking about it and gets uptight and if I relax more then it will happen more naturally.
I've tried this, and left any initiation to her but most of the time nothing happens other than a quickie (Which I think she just does to get it out of the way) which then leads back to me feeling down and moody. It just seems like we're stuck in a viscous circle and I don't know what I need to do to get out of it!?
Other than that our relationship is fine. We bicker about little things like most but nothing serious.
She's has a great figure and I compliment her all the time and tell her how attractive I find her and she's not overly body conscious. That I know of anyway.

Am I expecting too much?
I just want a bit more fun, excitement and intimacy.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 21:42

If your life/work balance is crap, then something's got to give.

What gives then? Cut back on work and not be able to afford the bills or food? Sure being homeless will improve the relationship no.end.

category12 · 19/11/2019 21:46

Well, what gives is the emotional intimacy and sexlife in some cases, isn't it? Duh.

Branleuse · 19/11/2019 21:46

it must be quite hard to maintain affection for someone thats rarely there whilst looking after young kids and all the drudgework.
I dont think I could do it

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 21:54

Well, what gives is the emotional intimacy and sexlife in some cases, isn't it? Duh.

Or both partners accept that life right now isn't perfect but try to make the best of it. Pull together, rather than apart.

it must be quite hard to maintain affection for someone thats rarely there whilst looking after young kids and all the drudgework.
I dont think I could do it

He's not out living it up though is he? He's earning money to support the family. They are both doing their part, so why is it ok to be so scathing about him rarely being there?

Maybe the wife could get a job and op be a SAHD. Then he would be there.

category12 · 19/11/2019 21:59

So OP could just accept that their sexlife isn't perfect and make the best of it then. Hmm

Lweji · 19/11/2019 22:01

So OP could just accept that their sexlife isn't perfect and make the best of it then.

Nailed it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/11/2019 22:06

So OP could just accept that their sexlife isn't perfect and make the best of it then.

Their sex life is all but non existent and if they take the advice on here - stop asking and wait for her to approach you - then it will be non existent.

Not many couples will want to live a celibates will they?

Lweji · 19/11/2019 22:56

stop asking and wait for her to approach you - then it will be non existent.

Are you saying that pestering her is his best option?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/11/2019 00:10

Are you saying that pestering her is his best option?

No. I'm answering a poster who said that op could just accept his sex life is what it is. I was pointing out that it's pretty non existent as it is and when he takes the advice given here it will be completely non existent.

Are you saying he must remain in a sexless marriage?

Lweji · 20/11/2019 00:49

Did you not notice the post that pp was replying to?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/11/2019 01:01

Lweji

Sorry you've lost me. I thought they were replying to my post but you seem to be suggesting that it was another poster.

What post were they responding to if it wasn't mine?

category12 · 20/11/2019 06:27

Hearhoovesthinkzebras, your argument is that where a couple's life/work balance is crap, both partners accept that life right now isn't perfect but try to make the best of it.

n the context of a poor life/work balance, I said Well, what gives is the emotional intimacy and sexlife in some cases, isn't it? Duh.
You said Or both partners accept that life right now isn't perfect but try to make the best of it. Pull together, rather than apart.
In other words, you said OP should accept their sexlife isn't perfect and make the best of it, I was just repeating your own conclusion back to you.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/11/2019 06:35

No I didn't say that. You apparently joined the dots and then jumped to conclusions.

What I meant was that they both need to accept that life is tough right now so they pull together. The wife needs to realise that her relationship is at risk and so should be talking to the op. Tell him what's wrong and why she doesn't want sex. Don't do what she's doing now. Try to rebuild the relationship.

The op needs to do the same. Talk to his wife and listen to what she says.

He shouldn't have to live in a sexless marriage. She shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to.

Unless they address this the marriage is over isn't it?

Lweji · 20/11/2019 07:33

There's meaning and there's saying.
Two people read your post similarly. You should have explained what you meant if you didn't want to be misinterpreted.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/11/2019 07:37

Well I knew what I meant and to me, that's what I said.

You also asked me if I'd read the post that was being replied to. Clearly I had as it was my post, so you also wasn't clear.

I thought that my post explained my thoughts.

hannah1992 · 20/11/2019 07:56

Have you tried to do something intimate with her without expecting sex?

I love it when dh gives me a massage. Get some nice smelling oils and give her a back and shoulder rub. Release all that tension. Or a foot rib while you sit together on the sofa watching tv. Those types of things are physical acts that show you care without expecting something back

category12 · 20/11/2019 07:56

No, logically it followed from what you said. You've argued that there's no time to prioritise the relationship.

I said: How do you expect to stay connected if you don't take time with each other and have fun and just take the foot off the pedal together sometimes?
You said How do you find the time? Particularly in the ops case where he works away from home. So they won't have every evening together. That's very hard whichever way you look at it.

If you can expect them both to find the time/make efforts to address the sex question, then why wouldn't you expect them to find the time/make efforts to address other things going on? If you can't prioritise the relationship, you can't rebuild it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/11/2019 07:59

Because talking to each other about their relationship can be done over the phone when he isn't in the same place as her. It can be done when he's home when the children are in bed, without the need to find babysitters.

They can't go out with each other in the way that they did when they were dating (which is what I believe you suggested) when he's in one place and she's in another can they?

TheBlueStocking · 20/11/2019 08:08

You are getting short shrift because you posted about a man/woman dynamic. If you had said you were an unhappy woman with a husband who appeared to be wishy-washy about sex, you would find the responses were very different.

Maybe search MN to find some similar threads posted by a woman and see the advice there? Might be more helpful for you.

Branleuse · 20/11/2019 08:12

He's not out living it up though is he? He's earning money to support the family.

Not the point though. I could have never been an army wife for instance. I just need someone to actually be there. Be present.
If im literally doing everything, and living like I dont have a partner, then they better bring something interesting and joyful to me when theyre there. If they're going to be sulky and complain that im.not hot to trot every time then that is going to get old very quickly. Its not about money. Its about closeness and intimacy, and that needs work to maintain. I dont think I could maintain it if the guy was rarely there

yearinyearout · 20/11/2019 08:15

@Geppili are you serious? If I'd orgasmed twice the last thing I'd want is PIV, I'd just want to sleep!
Lots of good advice on here though about taking sex talk off the table altogether and concentrating on taking care of her when you get home (and also when you're away, lay off the sexy flirting and try and get in touch with how she feels about everyday life)

category12 · 20/11/2019 08:17

No, going out dating was your extrapolation from my suggestion that he think about how he got to know her originally, what is was like in the "courting" stages and what's changed, and how they've got to this point. Groundfloor posited how might a man promote emotional intimacy if his wife is a very poor communicator, introverted and not forthcoming with her inner feelings, finding in depth discussion challenging? and I thought, well, how did you get together with such a woman? Presumably she wasn't always so closed off, so how did you connect originally, how did you end up married, why has she closed down to you since?

TheBlueStocking · 20/11/2019 09:05

I don't know if this has been recommended, but there's a decent book about this called Mating in Captivity.

Lweji · 20/11/2019 09:14

Well I knew what I meant and to me, that's what I said.

That's why it's worth reading our own posts. They often don't mean what we think they mean. The onus is on the writer to explain what they mean, not for others to guess what's in their mind.

Needsomebottle · 20/11/2019 12:09

Hearhooves nailed it here:

He shouldn't have to live in a sexless marriage. She shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to.

This is where DH and I are. We both are aware this is the situation and are trying to put things in place to rekindle my desire to have sex with him. Its jit medical, it's that I don't feel the same way about him and don't want to have sex with him. Thst could be the case here and believe me, that was a hideous thing to say to my DH and it's set us off down a path that I don't know where it will end.

But ultimately, that statement, reasons as to how OP has got there aside, is true. And a frank conversation needs to be had or choose to stay in limbo.

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