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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Counsellor thinks I am in a DV relationship..... I'm not sure?

105 replies

darkby4pm · 15/11/2019 16:39

Have had about 10 sessions now with a counsellor. I have opened up to them slowly through the sessions about my partner. Counsellor has stated very plainly that they think I am in a D.V relationship- with regards to emotional, physical and financial abuse, and that my partner is controlling and showing narcissist behaviours. I am not sure that I agree but they are the professional so should I just agree with them? What if my partner is not Dv-ing me?

OP posts:

Mummy0ftwo12 · 15/11/2019 16:41

Examples?

Tableclothing · 15/11/2019 16:41

Which of your DP's behaviours made the therapist think they're abusive?

OrangeZog · 15/11/2019 16:43

Why are you seeing the counsellor? What was the trigger/s that sent you for those sessions?

NotStayingIn · 15/11/2019 16:43

No, don’t just agree with them. But do explore the idea. Are there good friends you could confide in? Who could help you work through some examples?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/11/2019 16:44

What have you told her that makes her think this? Could you post some specific examples? .

Iggly · 15/11/2019 16:44

Well I think you need to listen to the professional to be honest.

KanelbulleKing · 15/11/2019 16:45

Why does your counsellor think this?

HollowTalk · 15/11/2019 16:45

Sometimes an outsider can see things that are hard to see within a relationship, OP. What did you tell her for her to say that?

Bananalanacake · 15/11/2019 16:46

do you have your own money you can spend as you wish. do you look forward to seeing your dp every day or are you nervous of him.

Quartz2208 · 15/11/2019 16:47

It is highly unlikely a trained counsellor would get it wrong I suspect you are so used to it you find it normal

That said its hard to say anything else from this post

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2019 16:47

Seems likely that you are
Can you give us some examples?

inwood · 15/11/2019 16:52

I would imagine that you are if she has said so, and you sound like you are in denial. Can you provide some examples?

NotStayingIn · 15/11/2019 16:55

Sorry I should clarify, the reason I said ‘don’t just agree with the counsellor’ is because I think you need to see it yourself. They have given you this heads up, now you need to examine that. No point just agreeing to something if you don’t really get it. if you see what I mean.

Interestedwoman · 15/11/2019 17:07

I'dve thought, though I know people can be effectively brainwashed in a controlling relationship, if there were physical abuse it is fairly clear if you try and think clearly about what's happening, without letting how he tries to frame it influence you.

Is he physically abusive to you? Does he hit you, throw stuff, push you or whatever?

I believe her about the other stuff too, but if you want our opinions it might be helpful if you give examples.

Otherwise- ask the counsellor again- what does she think you're experiencing that is abusive, physically or otherwise? If you're able, I'm sure she'd be able to explain this to you over the phone if need be perhaps, if you want to before your next session. Otherwise, you could ask her again in session. 'What are the things that are leading you to think I'm in an abusive relationship?' or something like that. It doesn't matter if you've asked or discussed it before- they're used to it taking people a while to get their head around things.

Best wishes xxxxx

Original poster

darkby4pm · 15/11/2019 17:24

Thanks so much for all of your replies... wasn't sure my post would get noticed as I am new here. I confided in one of my close friends about the behaviours I had talked to my counsellor about. They were horrified and said that they had no idea that this had been going on. They agreed with my counsellor. Examples include: swearing at me, shouting in my face, controlling whether I work or not, has recently been more physical including putting his hands around my neck.

OP posts:

Signoftimes · 15/11/2019 17:26

.....and why would you think this is NOT DV??!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2019 17:27

Get out of this relationship before he kills you.

Pollyfuckinganna · 15/11/2019 17:29

hands round neck is a massive sign that he will kill you.

Get out now.

KanelbulleKing · 15/11/2019 17:30

Yep, he's abusing you and escalating. Next time his hands go round your neck you may well die. Get out before he kills you.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 15/11/2019 17:35

Please look into the freedom program and call women’s aid

Soontobe60 · 15/11/2019 17:40

Also call the police

Ohyesiam · 15/11/2019 17:40

How could someone shouting in your face and putting their hands around your neck not be abusive and violent? You don’t have to wait to be murdered before you think it might not be in your best interests.
Please contact women’s aid.

Hope you find a way through this op.

Embracelife · 15/11/2019 17:50

Hands round neck is way up with he could kill you.
Get out now
If he isnt killing you he is doing it for control

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/11/2019 17:55

hands round neck is a massive sign that he will kill you

YES. You need to leave. You are in great danger.

onalongsabbatical · 15/11/2019 17:56

Please leave lovely. Get good help to get out ASAP. Can you go and stay with someone, parents, friends?

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