Counsellor thinks I am in a DV relationship..... I'm not sure?

[darkby4pm]

Have had about 10 sessions now with a counsellor. I have opened up to them slowly through the sessions about my partner. Counsellor has stated very plainly that they think I am in a D.V relationship- with regards to emotional, physical and financial abuse, and that my partner is controlling and showing narcissist behaviours. I am not sure that I agree but they are the professional so should I just agree with them? What if my partner is not Dv-ing me?

I always remember reading a memoir by a Home Office pathologist. He and some colleagues were having a debate about whether you could cause instant unconsciousness by compressing a particular nerve in the neck, so they tried it in a restaurant toilet (this was a fair few decades ago!) and the volunteer testee went down like a tonne of bricks and could easily have died. My point is, you can kill someone by compressing their neck without even meaning to - and this man has risked that with you. He was willing to risk killing you op. That is not love.

Please stay safe.

You need to get away from this man, darkby4pm. He's a threat to you. Please take this very seriously. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

You're feeling stuck, stupid and alone - you're stuck because you’re too frightened to make a move, but as soon as you can make a single move you’ll start to feel better and see the possibilities, and you’ve already moved because you have a counsellor and you’ve reached out to us and to a friend. So you’re not alone either because we all want to help you, and so do your friend and your counsellor. And you are very definitely not stupid – this can and does happen to all kinds of people, many of them highly intelligent, that’s really got nothing to do with it. Can you go and stay with your friend? Or any family?

Yes everything you have said is domestic violence

Op you are definitely not stupid. That’s thoughts he is trying to create by abusing you. 💐

Do be kinder to yourself, he has been skilled at getting you here. It will have started slowly and gradually you have changed to do as you are told.

Please leave and get somewhere safe. You have been brainwashed over time and are in danger. Just go before it ends up with you in hospital or worse!!

Thanks again for all of your advice and replies. I've been doing lots of thinking over the weekend about my relationship. I am feeling so stupid to have stayed in it for so long- over ten years now. There have been times when I have wanted to split up because of his behaviour but in the end I don't go through with it. One of the galling things is that in my previous job I supported mums and their children who were either experiencing DV, or had moved away from it and were staying in the local hostel/centre. How can I be so blind to his behaviour when I saw a mirror image of it in my job? I am feeling so ashamed, confused and angry at my self, and I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow when all I really want to do is run far far away.

Please don't feel ashamed or angry. It's so easy to get immersed in an abusive relationship and it can happen to anyone. One in three will experience some form of domestic abuse at some point. Change is very frightening and abusers suck away all your self esteem.

You know you need to leave so please get in contact with Women's Aid or your local DV organisation and make plans to get away from him as safely as possible.

You're going to be ok.

You’re not stupid, darkby4pm. The most intelligent and aware people are still vulnerable to manipulation, coercion and abuse. But now focus on getting a raft of support in place: counsellor, Women’s Aid and police.

Gosh you're not stupid!

These things sneak up on people. They become the norm so surprisingly easily and quickly. Get all the help you need to get out.

Sometimes when things are right under our nose they can be more difficult to spot. You've probably also excused and minimised the awful behaviour, 'for a quiet life' (yeah, doesn't work though).

You see it for what it is now op and that's what matters. He's a nasty piece of work and the sooner you get away the better.

I'd actually report the physical violence ect to the police. Might give you time to see a soliciter about the house without having to leave it yourself in the mean time.

Please don't beat yourself up (as if there wasn't too much of that going on already). Would you have told the women you worked with that they should be ashamed of themselves? Hopefully not! They needed help, you provided it. Now it's your turn to be the other side of the counter. You are suffering abuse, not because you deserve it but because you are unlucky enough to be married to an abuser. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you brought it on yourself, or that you have to carry on sucking it up. Neither of these things is true. (That hideous phrase "you made your bed so you must lie in it" - what nonsense! If your bed is lumpy you can remake it or sleep on the sofa!)

Dont feel ashamed you should not. Perhaps dealing with it in your job made it harder to spot. Relationships should enrich your life not try to make it miserable and frightening. I hope you can get him to leave. Hope you have friends to help support you

Don't feel ashamed. You have been slowly manipulated and had your self-esteem damaged. Seek advice and look after yourself.

Oh OP

I’ll bet when you worked with abused women there were times when women struggled to see their partner as abusive. Or to see the severity of the abuse. It’s hard to understand that until you experience it. Because it’s never all completely bad and it doesn’t fit the simplified narrative we see on TV. It’s more complicated.

Please be safe

How are you doing, darkby4pm? Be gentle with yourself and find safety.

Hi, sorry I haven't updated this thread until now. Head & heart feel like they are exploding right now, feeling so so stressed and depressed. Sorry to be so negative yet again. My counsellor and I have completed a referral to a local DV specialist service and now I just don't know if my relationship warrants one- what if we are just going through a rough patch and if I try harder things will improve? I am then going to look like I exaggerated everything and will have wasted everyone's time. I don't know if any of this makes sense or not. I guess I am just reaching out for some support.

It's really shocking to realise that we are in an abusive relationship, especially when someone else can see it and we can't.

You are 110% doing the right thing and I'm so pleased you've made the referral and that you have the support of your counsellor. Hang in there.

It's about power and control for him. You can't 'try harder' that's not what it is about. I'm really pleased you have done a referral, I'm also putting this information here for you:

Women's aid:
<a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/" target="_blank">https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/
0808 2000 247

Also you may find this helpful www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/

Someone trying to strangle you, shouting at you, belittling you, and never being affectionate is not a ‘rough patch.’ It is abuse.

How can you exaggerate someone putting their hands around your throat??

OP, this is not a rough patch, sadly it is DV and it will not get better. You have been brave in initiating the first steps. You are not wasting time, you are laying the foundations of a new, happier life which you richly deserve.

Not a rough patch OP - no affection for years, belittling, undermining, aggression, shouting and physical violence is clearly DV and abusers don't change, they only escalate.
Well done for completing the referral, that took real courage, your first step to getting your life and your self back. Please tell friends/family if you are able. The more support you have in real life, the more possible this will become.

I understand your concerns about feeling like you could come through it.

But right now, you are in it. If he changed tomorrow and for the rest of his life, you have lived and breathed domestic abuse. You have been a victim of it. You ARE a victim of it. You have a right to help. You will NEED help.

If he did change tomorrow, how long would he have to consistently be a decent partner before you truly believed that he was one? Would you ever believe he couldn't slip back into his old ways? Why should you live like that? Who is he to make you live like this? Why does he have that right?

For the record, he doesn't have that right. He wont change tomorrow. You would NEVER truly believe in your heart that he wouldn't harm you, physically or emotionally again.

Why on earth, on top of the abuse he is serving you would you abuse yourself by not getting help?

Take the referral. And if what I've said doesn't make you think, accept that someone independent feels you need this referral. I am sure such services will be overstretched and they won't make a referral unless they truly believed it was warranted. You've gone to them for help. Believe in them. Take the help. This is the second step to helping yourself. The first was getting counselling. Good on you for doing that. Take the journey one step at a time. Take the next step.