Counsellor thinks I am in a DV relationship..... I'm not sure?

[darkby4pm]

Have had about 10 sessions now with a counsellor. I have opened up to them slowly through the sessions about my partner. Counsellor has stated very plainly that they think I am in a D.V relationship- with regards to emotional, physical and financial abuse, and that my partner is controlling and showing narcissist behaviours. I am not sure that I agree but they are the professional so should I just agree with them? What if my partner is not Dv-ing me?

Sorry, that sounded a bit harsh and I didn't mean it to. It's just clear you deserve some help. Best of luck.

I recommend you find a secure place to write something down, and start making a list of all the times he’s made you feel bad, or scared. It might take a while, but it’ll be a valuable reminder in black and white of why you MUST take this seriously. You are so close to freedom, please look after yourself like you would take care of a friend

You are most definitely in a DV situation and not safe. He has trained you to accept abusive behaviour. This is not a rough patch. In any case, rough patches in healthy relationships don’t involve physical violence, withdrawal of all affection and going in fear of your partner.

Have you been advised about the possibility of applying for a non-molestation order and/or an occupation order? If you call the National Centre for Domestic Violence, they can explain the process and refer you to a panel law firm which will help you with the application if you decide to go ahead. I’ve done about 15 applications and all but one have been successful and your situation sounds worse than many of the cases I have dealt with.

Do NOT tell this man about the steps you are taking and do NOT tell him you want to leave. Abusers are particularly dangerous if they think they are losing control. Make the necessary preparations to get yourself safe in secret so you are already in a position of safety when he finds out. For example, the court will grant the initial non-mol without notice to the defendant so the first he would know about it would be when it is served on him.

It’s sad that you think so little of yourself that you have stayed in a marriage which is giving you nothing but it sounds like you are beginning your journey to a future free of this man.

He has laid hands on you.
He has the behaviour and anger that could kill you.
You need to get out.

PS - as others have said: it’s not about you trying harder. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. He will ensure you are always in the wrong in some obscure way so that he can control and terrorise you. You are ground down and traumatised by years of this but you can and will put it behind you. You’ve already taken the first step.

Many thanks for all of your replies.

I bought a new phone last week- mainly because it had a better locking system so that I could gain some privacy about counselling and referrals etc. Today it has gone "missing". I have asked my partner if they have seen it/ know where it is and he has denied any knowledge of it. It has clearly been moved/ taken from where I put it as I am being really careful about where I place it. The phone number/phone was the only one I had and was given to the DV service and my counsellor.

OP I honestly think you just need to leave now, as soon as possible. I don't think anything else is going to work. You now have total certainty what he is like/doing and he sounds dangerous. Remove yourself from the danger, today if possible.

I know it's your home and mortgage but your safety, and removing yourself from his direct influence trump that. I'm no lawyer but if you are not married I don't think you are giving up any rights by leaving him in your house temporarily.

This sounds very sinister to me and - forgive me - not really emoji territory. It feels like you’re still not taking this seriously enough. As others have said, strangulation is a high risk sign for killing and you have described a host of other DV behaviours. When you are safely out of this relationship, please look into why you value yourself so little and work on changing that. Anyway, I think you need to get yourself safe ASAP. Please let the support services know you cannot be reached on that number at the moment - God forbid that he should take the call. You may even want to look into getting the phone wiped remotely which can be possible with a lost phone. Sorry if you’ve said this elsewhere, but do you have friends/family you could go to?

Can you contact your counsellor to advise your phone has gone missing and see if they can schedule an app with the dv service for you and you can call them back to find out when it will be?

You need all of the support you can get right now. Does he work? Do you have time when you can see your friends/family when he is not around. Can you get all your supports on board to inform what is happening to you and make a plan for your safety to leave this relationship with their support and your safety as a no 1 priority? Do you have any children?

I know you are afraid and believe everything he says at this stage. He is wrong, he will continue to hurt and control you. This will escalate the longer he gets to do this to you. Leaving is your only option for future safety and happiness. You don’t deserve this. You are worth so much more. Be brave and get out with all the support you can get. You won’t regret it.

I agree, this is BAD, the new update with the phone means an escalation of risk and you are in real danger.

You need to get help, advise and assistance to get him away from you as safely and quickly as possible.

Update:re missing phone.
I told my partner i couldn't find my phone and asked him if had seen it, which he said he hadn't. I waited til he went to work ( he works late shifts), and had a big search for it. I eventually found it tucked into his bottom pillowcase. I then spent the evening in tears as he had clearly put it there and the situation sunk in more. When he returned he asked me if I had found it and I told him yes and where I found it. He went very quiet and then left the room. His silence was more scarier than his shouting etc. I went to bed as I feel safe there and did not talk to him til this morning where he has acted on edge. He then went back to bed at 10 o'clock. I feel sick and anxious at the mo. I don't have many friends to help and am not in contact with most of my family.

You need to get out and you need to get out now. Grab a bag when he's at work and leave.

So he hid your means of communicating with the outside world. There are no good reasons for doing that.

You feel sick and anxious because you know that you are in danger and you need to get yourself safe. NOW. Please understand it is not normal to feel sick and anxious round a partner, even a partner who is angry with you. Sometimes I p* my DP off mightily (as he does me) and we occasionally have huge rows. I never feel sick and anxious around him because I know I am safe.

Given the urgency of the situation, getting safe probably involves you leaving rather than him (if necessary, you can apply for an occupation order after you have left and if it is granted he will need to leave the house and you will be able to return there).

It really isn't clear what is keeping you with him – you haven't mentioned DCs or pets - though they would also be happier away from him, no doubt. Perhaps it is the thought of the years you have wasted with this man. But you know – we all have things we would do differently if we could turn back time. We can't get that time back. What you can do is make sure you don't waste any more of your life with him on the basis of how many years you have already spent with him (google "sunk cost fallacy" and you'll get the point).

It's clear from your posts that you have been beaten down and are probably somewhat traumatized - you can cry once you are out - but right now you need to act. If you don't have friends or family you can go to immediately, then take yourself to a B&B or a hotel. Just get yourself somewhere he is not. You mention he's still in the house. Keep secret from him that you're planning an escape. He may become more dangerous if you tell him you are leaving. Just grab your handbag, pack a few comfort things if you feel safe to do so and walk out the front door. Also keep your phone near and if he threatens you, ring 999. Immediately.

As regards not having many friends to help: you only need one and indeed you can manage this on your own if you have to and work on increasing your friendship circle once this is behind you.

Are you out of contact with your family because he has isolated you? If so, they may be delighted to help you if you reach out to them.

I agree with everyone else. This has become really scary and that's just reading your updates. Actually living it must be terrifying. Please get out.

He is stepping up the control for sure. Leaving without his knowledge is vital. You need a safely planned exit when he is at work as he will do whatever it takes to prevent you leaving. If you have children, you need to prioritise their safety also by getting out when he is not home and in to a safe place where he cannot contact you. Women’s aid have a helpline if you can contact them they will provide advice to leave safely and could also accommodate you.

A plan needs to be in place ASAP.

What can you do now to get safe? Get all important documentation and keepsakes safe, money that’s yours where only you can get it

This man is dangerous and now he knows you’re onto him even more so. Don’t freeze in fear, mobilise!

How are you feeling OP? It will help you to see your situation more clearly if you write it down here. Don't go away. In the meantime 💐

You called him your partner

Then trickled that you were married.

Can you explain why? Why did you not say 'DH'.

I bet you the sex stopped as soon as he managed to persuade you to marry him.

Also, you are responsible for the mortgage and he is doing ... what, with his salary?

Just bite on the bullet and get divorced. You are going to have to pay him half the house, but find out what investments etc he has.

Good luck OP. You will be so much better off without this abuser in it.

Things at home have been quite stable so I have had no updates really. Referral to dv org has been accepted and have arranged an appointment with them. Last night however, I received a quite strange text from my partner on his way home from work which said " I love you so much, I really care about you and what happens to you". When he came in I thanked him for the message, but what does it mean? Is it just a nice message or something else? When I received it I felt a sense of doom, am I just reading too much into it? Any ideas greatfully received.

The message means nothing other than he may be sensing that you are pulling away from him and he's trying to manipulate you.

Hold firm.

Fuck me you don't have to be a professional councillor to know you are suffering from a DV relationship! Get out before he kills you!

Leave

When I received it I felt a sense of doom.

That's because you sense him starting to try to suck you in again. Grit your teeth and hold firm.

Please just get away from this man. It’s not about how things are when they’re good, it’s about how things are when they’re bad. And in your case, they are very bad and he is very dangerous to you. Pay attention to that sense of doom. He’s trying to reel you back in. Abusers do that. Indeed, since it gave you a sense of doom, it may even mean something more sinister like he’s planning to do away with you and is sending loving texts as evidence which he can show the police if you go missing. Forgive me but you are being far too passive about this. All of us reading are very scared for you and urging you to go but you are the only person who can achieve that. Please don’t wait any longer because it may suddenly be too late. And once you’re free of him, you can rekindle your ties with family and friends.