Counsellor thinks I am in a DV relationship..... I'm not sure?

[darkby4pm]

Have had about 10 sessions now with a counsellor. I have opened up to them slowly through the sessions about my partner. Counsellor has stated very plainly that they think I am in a D.V relationship- with regards to emotional, physical and financial abuse, and that my partner is controlling and showing narcissist behaviours. I am not sure that I agree but they are the professional so should I just agree with them? What if my partner is not Dv-ing me?

Hands around the neck is definitely violent.

Why on earth would you think otherwise?

Have you been trying to rationalise this?

You need to get out whilst you still can.

From outside, it's hard to imagine any way those behaviours are acceptable, but something is making that hard for you to believe.

Would you behave like that to someone else?

' putting his hands around my neck.'

As others have said, this could kill you. Please follow the others' advice. xxx

As other said this is a sign that he will kill you. You need to seek advice from a domestic violence charity eg women aid or the police before you leave as this is when you will be at the greatest risk.

This is DV.

Speak to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or do live chat on the Women's Aid website.

Look into the Freedom Programme or the book Living with the Dominator. Also books by Lundy Bancroft.

You need to leave for your own safety. Please do not discuss what the counsellor said with your partner or try to give him one chance by explaining that what he's been doing is wrong and if he can't stop you'll leave. Any sign that you are preparing to leave could cause this to escalate and hands round your neck already is a very bad sign. Take care.

Why are you thinking that it’s not? Genuine question - can you explain a bit more about why you’re unsure?

This is DV lass.

Get out and be safe.

Has something led you to believe that in order for it to be DV you have to be battered black and blue? And because you have nothing to show for his abuse, you aren't being abused?

Or is your partner telling you that he's doing these things for your own good?

Because having someone shout in your face or lay hands on you in any way other than lovingly, is abuse OP.

I don't really understand why you would possibly think that isn't dv.

You need to leave this dangerous man.

My DP has screamed in my face and I still did not really realize until women’s aid told me I should phone the police if it happens again.

But hands around your neck is so so scary. Please Contact women’s aid. I did. It was a life saver.

Why don't you agree? What is it if it's not domestic violence?

I'd recommend you get out as soon as you physically can.

I'm not sure
Oh sweetheart, what is it that makes you unsure? He is horribly aggressive and violent towards you. Would you accept this kind of behaviour from a work colleague or anyone else and think it was ok? Of course not.

He is dangerous and could end up killing you. Please stay safe and make plans to leave him as soon as you can - if he threatens you, call the police.

Thanks for all of your replies- looks like you all agree with the counsellor. I haven't had many relationships and when I met my partner he was totally different to now. We have had a very difficult few years in so many ways and I guess I've chalked up this change in behaviour to the stresses we have been put through. It's only by looking back now that I am beginning to see how he has manipulated me and is still controlling me. The last few years have destroyed my self-esteem and confidence... I just can't see how I could ever be strong enough to ask him to leave.

Our home & mortgage is in my name only, and I've relayed to him that if we ever split up I would expect him to leave. He has threatened to leave several times... he storms off and then manages to manipulate the situation so that I welcome him back and tell him that I don't want him to leave

you need some help and proper advice from people who know about DV, and you are in a dangerous position, because if he leaves, he knows where you are.

If he wasn't violent, I woudl be saying, chaneg the locks when he is at work, text him to tell him he is no longer wlecome, dump his stuff outside in bags and then block him on all media. But as he is violent, that might force him to escalate.
Please phone women's aid and ask for help.

When you're ready, can you ask him to leave with someone else with you, and change the locks immediately? I'd say wait until he has his next storming off moment and then change the locks but I'm worried for you, I think you should get out of this situation as soon as you can.

You will recover, and you'll feel like yourself again. Five years down the line I'm still rebuilding my self esteem, but the moment he was out of my life I had a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. You can do this, you've been so strong to live through this so far, you are strong enough to get away from it x

You are in a strong position, but you need some back up.

Talk to women's aid, your counsellor, and the police. You will need to be ready to act, to change the locks, to get support in place while you are lacking in confidence. They will advise you how to keep yourself safe and get this man out of your life.

You've started a journey- stay strong.

You need to make yourself ready RIGHT NOW to kick him out before it's too late. He is a very, very dangerous man.

You don't have to ask him to leave. The police can do that for you.

Our home & mortgage is in my name only, and I've relayed to him that if we ever split up I would expect him to leave.

Call the police DV line. Tell them he put his hands around your neck. Tell them you are not married and the house is yours only. Tell them you want him to leave but you are afraid of his reaction when you tell him to go and afraid of what he will do afterwards. A police officer will come round and help you tell him to leave.

You only need a few minutes of personal courage to make the call. Then you will have the force of the law helping you.

If you don't feel you can do that because you are so beaten down and controlled then ask your counsellor to help you get your head on straight.

They can help you set it up so you never have to see or hear from him again so there won't be any manipulation, only recovery.

This is awful OP.

Putting hands round your neck is one of the high risk flags in DV. Infact I’ve just re-done some safeguarding training at work and it specifically mentions this as a danger.

He is abusive. Speak to Women’s Aid and look at the Freedom programme. You need an exit plan. You can do this.

Manipulating you so he comes back is all part of the abuse. Promises to change and temporarily bring nice is all part of the script, don’t believe it.

Your counsellor is right, please listen to them.

Get put and go to a friend so you safe.
Then call police to remove him. It s your house.
He wont want to leave but you can get help.
Get out call police ask them to remove him.

Please please please leave him OP. My god he sounds horrific. You deserve so much better.

OP you are in a very dangerous place right now, regarding this man.

I understand how confused you are. It's very difficult to see the man you love and think you know, being accused of domestic violence. Abusive men aren't typically abusive when you meet and at the beginning of the relationship. They tend to dial it up slowly and you don't realise how damaging their behaviour is, especially if you are isolated or haven't had much experience whilst in it.

Abuse typically 'escalates'. That means it gets worse over time. It may remain the same for a long time and then get worse when you do something to change for example, talk about going back to work. If the abuser feels as though he's losing control, he may become violent.

He knows exactly what he is doing and it must have been going on for a while for him to start placing his hands around your throat. Abusers are manipulative, this means that they tell you what they know you want to hear or, they change just enough for you to feel safe enough. However they never change; they are always abusive. They play mind games in order to make you feel as though it's you who has the problem and they sometimes get others involved (triangulate).

You can't go into counselling with an abusive man You can't do anything to change him. All you can do is exit the relationship as safely as you can. The first step towards this is to make a safety plan. A safety plan helps you to exit the relationship whilst minimising risk. You can do this with a DV organisation.

I know this is a shock and I know it feels as though everyone is wrong and you know him but unfortunately, we're not. He's going to get worse and is showing signs of escalating violence. He could end up killing you. Please contact Women's Aid and start making plans to leave. Don't let him know you have plans to leave as the most dangerous time is when you are exiting the relationship.

A DV organisation can help you understand what legal steps you can take to get him out of your house and can help you organise that. They deal with this day in, day out so they will be able to advise you depending on your circumstances.

Thanks for each one of your replies, and that you have taken the time out of your busy lives to help me.
@Zaphodsotherhead your comment about someone "laying hands on you in any other way than lovingly is abuse" has really hit home. I can't remember the last time he did anything "lovingly" towards me. There is no affection, not even a quick kiss before he leaves for work etc. The last time we made love was about 5 years ago, and I have given up seeking or expecting anything in that department. We are actually married which I think will complicate things with regard to the property. My counsellor has been very supportive and says that she will help me get support from dv specialists.... but I just feel stuck... stupid....and so alone.