DP gone awol again, he's cheating isn't he? Please help me gain clarify

[Tisverycold]

I need some advice because I feel very confused. I feel as though he is deliberately trying to play mind games.

My partner of several years with whom I have children with has been behaving strangely for the past 6-8 weeks. I had a thread here in relationships, you might recognise some details.

Three times in the space of a fortnight he said he was leaving me and then changed his mind saying he was just confused. He has been more than 6 hours late home on several occasions, explaining it away as overtime.

After the second time I demanded to know what the hell was going on, suspecting there was an OW involved but still somewhat in denial and confused.

He said he wanted to talk to me properly and make it work, during the "talk" he told me that many years before we met an ex had contacted him and disclosed that she had given birth to a baby, stillborn. He told me that he had no idea about the pregnancy and she had hidden it from him, contacting him two years after they broke up to tell him - long after she'd had the baby. He said this ex took him to an unmarked grave and said that's where the baby was buried, and that the baby wasn't named.

Obviously I was devastated for him, but confused why that would leave him doubting our relationship.

However, some things weren't adding up. It's relevant to include that (he said) the ex was a habitual liar and took drugs alot and was dishonest, his words.

The relationship ended, to his knowledge she wasn't pregnant, then she contacts him years later out of the blue to disclose the stillbirth and wanted to meet him to take him to an unmarked grave.

The cynic in me had doubts, as far as the ex was concerned. I will admit there was an air of disbelief. Why would she hide the pregnancy and stillbirth then contact him later on down the line? I questioned whether it was a lie, to be honest.

Me being the soft touch I am, believing that the suppressed grief had surfaced and that he was struggling with his mental health, I urged him to speak to a GP. He assured me he didn't need to and he would be ok. He seemed fine, no obvious signs of mental health problems.

A few weeks pass and we are getting on just fine, then today he's 6+ hours late from work again. He works nights and was supposed to be home at 10am this morning.

I'm texting him all day, worried. Eventually he responds at 3pm saying "for your information I made an appointment to speak to a doctor about feeling depressed, like you advised. I'm taking your advice"

I ask why he didn't tell me, and where has he been all day. He replies avoiding the question but says he has been on his own "just thinking about everything" us, money, the kids.

He's still not home and I'm ashamed to say I'm on the verge of telling him to post his keys and stay away. I can't do this anymore.

He has lied before, I don't trust him. It feels like the stillborn story was given to explain away his strange behaviour before, out of the blue, and the doctors story today is an excuse for being awol again.

His doctor doesn't do same day appointments. He wouldn't even go to the dentist after suffering from terrible toothache for months so I really don't believe it.

He's cheating isn't he? Using mental health and other things to make me second guess myself.

Personally just the phone situation would hack me off, let alone everything else that's been going on.
Sorry Op but I think you're going to be faced with a very difficult time ahead of you.

Stealthmama, knowing him as I do it would definitely be something he would struggle with coming to terms with. He internalizes everything and doesn't open up about his feelings or what is on his mind.

The reason I queried why it had come up now is because it was a very long time ago, although i can appreciate that would be something you can never fully come to terms with.

What confused me was that it came up so recently after many years of him never having said a thing. He was told about the stillbirth a long time before we had met one another.

He said he has never spoken to anybody else about this, so it's definitely possible he has suppressed guilt/grief, I just can't understand how that, as awful as it is, could make him bring our relationship into question and have him wanting to leave me

I'm the sort of person who would move heaven and earth to provide support to those I love, which he knows.

I embraced him and comforted him and urged him to talk about it as much as he felt he needed to, but he said he didn't want to and that was ok.

It felt like a switch had been flicked and seemingly overnight he'd gone from being happy with our family to wanting to leave us, and I can't understand how something (very tragic) from his past could not only surface now (which is understandable) but make him want to leave me

We have a new baby, so perhaps having her has brought back the memory of being told about the stillbirth and made him feel some sort of way, which again I could understand.

It just all seems so bizarre the way he is being toward me, the disappearing, the implausible excuses, the strange coming and going, him working all of these extra hours (which would have given him a nice chunk at the end of the month) but him saying he's not going to have any money left when in theory he would have, then saying that is the reason he's been sitting in the cold park all day.

I want to understand I really do, but he's not doing himself any favours.

He asked me to book the uber for him, not unusual in itself. I have done a handful of times.

Personally, it sounds more like a man in crisis then one having an affair. Something has triggered something for him. Could be a classic mid life.

Otherwise I think you're saying his behaviour became erratic a few weeks ago and thus within that timeframe he has met someone else, fallen in love and wants to leave you for OW.

I don't think this has anything to do with you per se, other than we hurt those closest to us when we are hurting ourselves.

He's lost, and he can't talk to you about it for whatever reason. Or maybe he has tried but could sense the suspicion so clammed up. Perhaps check in with his gp appointment, he'll probably need it.

@StealthMama that's a very good theory. And I think you give wise words. The problem is, none of us, especially the OP, can know for sure at the moment. It could be any of the various theories given on this thread, or something else entirely. We just don't know. But we're with you, OP, sending strength

And let's not forget dads can get post natal depression too. You have a new baby, and he's told you he feels depressed. Perhaps he actually is being honest with you...? How might that scenario play out for you, do you still want him to leave?

@StealthMama
How do you explain the phone?

It is not normal behaviour in any shape or form.
It's behaviour of someone who has something to hide

Bottom line is, whatever he is up to, he is not making you happy. Not much of a relationship.

I'll probably be torn a new asshole for this comment for ignorance, but if this was my bloke I'd immediately think along the same lines as you OP, the time problem, the ex and the stillborn but undocumented baby etc. But you did say upthread he had Aspergers. Could this be colouring what looks like a shut and closed case? Not being able to talk about emotional shit is a common enough thing in some men in general. The lying and deceit and gameplay sound like a regular player. Where does his Aspergers come into the relationship generally?

@MaeveDidIt OP said he's always been like that about his phone, this doesn't appear to be new. And people with Aspergers can develop routines that seem strange to others, like sleeping with it in his pocket. Doesn't appear new behaviour from the OPs posts.

If all of this really is a direct result of him being depressed then no I don't want him to leave, I want to support him and be there for him. I love him.

The sticking point is just not knowing for sure hence being in conflict with myself and being so confused.

He didn't cite the stillbirth as the reason he's been acting off, but he brought it up after the second time he said he was leaving after backtracking and saying he wanted to open up and have a proper talk which (probably because of his aspergers) he never does. The baby wasn't the only thing he mentioned, he spoke about some other unrelated things which weren't to do with me or our relationship, like family conflicts on his side.

The reason the baby has become a focal point for me is because obviously it's a terribly sad thing. I have no doubt that he believes it is true, my suspicion lays with the ex as the way he explained what she relayed to him doesn't add up. They parted amicably with no suggestion of her being pregnant, they had mutual friends at the time who never mentioned a thing and then out of the blue years later he gets a message saying she wants to speak to him about something important and can he meet her, he goes along and she discloses the fact she had a stillborn baby that was his, he was dubious and she took him to an unmarked grave telling him that's where the baby was buried but she had no other evidence of pregnancy nor a certificate of life/death. She had nothing she could show him that she had to remember the baby by, such as scans or any photos from the pregnancy. I looked her up on social media and her page is full of pictures of her children, nieces and nephews, but no tribute to the baby she lost (which in itself I can understand to an extent as everybody deals with things differently)

He said he spent two minutes at the grave, got angry with her for the fact she never told him sooner and told her to never contact him again. He says that was the last he ever heard from her and he had never spoken to anybody about it since. He said he hasn't asked anybody else if they can verify her story, but he believed her because he couldn't imagine anybody lying about something like that.

Unfortunately he is gullible. If it were me, I would have wanted more proof than an unmarked grave. It doesn't help that he painted her as somebody who can't be trusted, but believed it straight away.

I've been reading up about men being susceptible to postnatal depression too, so I'm not ruling it out. What I need for him is to speak to me properly, tell me what all this is really about and if it is to do with what happened with his ex then he needs to be prepared to get counselling and or GP help.

I need to be able to understand why he's flitting between wanting to be with me and then wanting to leave, in such quick succession and more than once.

Obviously there's no way of me knowing what's really going on now.

He takes his phone to bed with him, not a chance he didn’t know it was dead.

Blimey, your experience this week has been amazingly similar to mine.

My (now) ex told me about his ex contacting him out of the blue and telling him she had aborted his baby. This was 16 years ago and he had never told anyone until me.

After telling me, he wanted to end our relationship, then wanted time blah blah blah. Like you, I didnt understand WHY what happened then meant he felt unable to be with me now.

I posted on here for advice. And everyone reinforced what I knew deep down........whether the woman lied to him or not is irrelevant. Whether he is suddenly grieving for the baby after lots of years is sad, but not the full picture here.

The bottom line is that he is treating you REALLY badly, irrespective of the reasons. He knows you are out of your mind with concern yet ignores your messages until you mention the Police.

He knows that he has lied in the past and so, if he was being honest and was a good man, he would be actively taking steps to reassure you.

He is opting out of life by staying away. That may be because of depression or for some other reason, but he is STILL doing it and CHOOSING not to explain.

Even without knowing the exact cause for his behaviour, is this behaviour that you want you and your children to be exposed to?

You know yourself that depression doesn't mean you get to behave like a dramatic shitbag. Ignoring your messages was a CHOICE he made.

Taking your money and denying it was a CHOICE he made.

Whatever the reason for his behaviour, nothing will make it suddenly ok or reasonable.

I bet if you did ask him to leave, within 48 hours you would be thinking of a load of other shitty ways he has behaved.

He is CHOOSING to be manipulative, selfish and to worry you. He is CHOOSING to lie - at least about the park and the money.

You are worth more. Waiting for him to decide if he is leaving IS doing a pick me dance. Sling him out, and if he truly is sorry then he will open up to you and tell you everything. And if not, you are away from his awful behaviour.

EU Work Time Directive states that shift workers need at least 11hrs rest time between shifts.

Tell him to forward you the mail/text which demonstarates his manager ignores this, because you want to have it investigatd.

Oh OP it's crystal clear what's happening here, if you can have a look through the phone bill.

I will never understand people announcing their suspicion of an affair, or asking outright. All it does it give the person a heads up to better cover their tracks.

If you have access to the bill look at it.

I do think OP that you strongly suspect he is having an affair bu you don't want to separate. Most post as usual lean towards telling you he isa liar and=you don'trust him. I think it's all too easy to sit at home and tap things out on some device. My partner has told me lies about an
emotional affair conducted mainly by phone calls and e mail or what's
APP. It was awful when i found out but we have been together for approx 50 years.
All I am saying is do what you feel is best for you.

Does he use visiting the grave to account for unexplainable missing time? My brother invented a brother who died in a tragic accident and showed his girlfriend where he was apparently buried and used it to get away with cheating for years.

Yes. People are that bad.

OP theres no proof because it didn't happen. There was no proof of our dead brother because he didn't exist.

You are a decent person so dont just randomly question. My brothers ex only found out this was a lie when we got close and she asked If I thought our brother dying messed him up

His wage at the end of the month will provide some answers. I bet payroll mess it up,...

He is not depressed.
He is a liar and a cheat.
I'm sorry you are going through this OP.
Your head, quite rightly, is all over the place.
I've no advice, as you are choosing right now to believe his bullshit when you already have all the proof you need of an affair.
I'd honestly be packing up his shit today.
He needs a big fat wake up call.

What 'reason' possibly excuses treating someone so despicably? It's incredibly insulting to people who struggle with depression to suggest that one of the symptoms is turning you into a shit human being who lacks empathy and goes around behaving in a shady manner.

The OP has clearly been empathic and has tried to support this man. she has actually gone way beyond IMO in tolerating unacceptable behaviour. She has come to Mumsnet despite knowing in her gut what is going, on, wanting to be talked out of it. She's not the problem here.

Those who can't see that? Don't listen to them, OP. It's gaslighting (denying your reality) on a forum. You are already doubting the urgings of your gut and in The Gift of Fear book, Gavin de Becker says never to trust your gut unless it tells you to run. Yours is telling you that.

Ignore the naysayers and listen to your gut feeling - as well as the overwhelming majority of people who have responded.

OP, listen to @SirChing . Very sensible advice.

how old is your baby?

Was the baby planned? Is DH having a crisis because of the responsibility and feeling trapped?

Not excusing him btw. He is still being a shit to you.

Thank you for the replies, I used alot of what has been said here when speaking to him this morning when he came in because points have been put better than I could have.

I asked him again where he had been and he said "where I told you, on my own just thinking" I reiterated that i don't believe he would be sat in the park all day long, he said he was. I asked if he could prove it and he said obviously not. I said then we have a problem because I don't fully believe you.

I then mentioned that an employer has to give you at least 11 hours between shifts so it's interesting that he's saying his is breaking the law. He retorted that they "asked him to" not told him to.

SirChing I'm sorry you've gone through this shit lately, it really does twist your head doesn't it, however everything you've said is spot on - he is making choices to treat me this way.

I told him as much, that even if he is depressed he's still choosing to treat me poorly as depression doesn't automatically equate to being bad to me.

I'm angry today, angry that I feel gaslighted and like he's making me doubt my sanity.

Baby was very much planned yes, she's 8 months and is a delight. I've never known a happier more placid little girl.

She is no bother at all so her being the problem isn't registering with me, esp as she was planned.

He's not quite mid life crisis age bracket, he's still in his thirties