DP gone awol again, he's cheating isn't he? Please help me gain clarify

[Tisverycold]

I need some advice because I feel very confused. I feel as though he is deliberately trying to play mind games.

My partner of several years with whom I have children with has been behaving strangely for the past 6-8 weeks. I had a thread here in relationships, you might recognise some details.

Three times in the space of a fortnight he said he was leaving me and then changed his mind saying he was just confused. He has been more than 6 hours late home on several occasions, explaining it away as overtime.

After the second time I demanded to know what the hell was going on, suspecting there was an OW involved but still somewhat in denial and confused.

He said he wanted to talk to me properly and make it work, during the "talk" he told me that many years before we met an ex had contacted him and disclosed that she had given birth to a baby, stillborn. He told me that he had no idea about the pregnancy and she had hidden it from him, contacting him two years after they broke up to tell him - long after she'd had the baby. He said this ex took him to an unmarked grave and said that's where the baby was buried, and that the baby wasn't named.

Obviously I was devastated for him, but confused why that would leave him doubting our relationship.

However, some things weren't adding up. It's relevant to include that (he said) the ex was a habitual liar and took drugs alot and was dishonest, his words.

The relationship ended, to his knowledge she wasn't pregnant, then she contacts him years later out of the blue to disclose the stillbirth and wanted to meet him to take him to an unmarked grave.

The cynic in me had doubts, as far as the ex was concerned. I will admit there was an air of disbelief. Why would she hide the pregnancy and stillbirth then contact him later on down the line? I questioned whether it was a lie, to be honest.

Me being the soft touch I am, believing that the suppressed grief had surfaced and that he was struggling with his mental health, I urged him to speak to a GP. He assured me he didn't need to and he would be ok. He seemed fine, no obvious signs of mental health problems.

A few weeks pass and we are getting on just fine, then today he's 6+ hours late from work again. He works nights and was supposed to be home at 10am this morning.

I'm texting him all day, worried. Eventually he responds at 3pm saying "for your information I made an appointment to speak to a doctor about feeling depressed, like you advised. I'm taking your advice"

I ask why he didn't tell me, and where has he been all day. He replies avoiding the question but says he has been on his own "just thinking about everything" us, money, the kids.

He's still not home and I'm ashamed to say I'm on the verge of telling him to post his keys and stay away. I can't do this anymore.

He has lied before, I don't trust him. It feels like the stillborn story was given to explain away his strange behaviour before, out of the blue, and the doctors story today is an excuse for being awol again.

His doctor doesn't do same day appointments. He wouldn't even go to the dentist after suffering from terrible toothache for months so I really don't believe it.

He's cheating isn't he? Using mental health and other things to make me second guess myself.

Only just, he is 40 this year so I suppose some might say he is middle aged

I then mentioned that an employer has to give you at least 11 hours between shifts so it's interesting that he's saying his is breaking the law. He retorted that they "asked him to" not told him to.

That means he would have had to sign a "get out" of the EU Work Time Directive. Ask him for a copy.

Cos if his employer is doing that, he needs legal help, right?

Or if you dont want to watch him squirm on the hook, you could just tell him it's over, pack his shit and get out. I would want him to squirm because I'm a bitch

It does sound like depression to me. I say this as someone who has suffered badly and have pushed the people I love most away.
But I don't think one person can save another, and if you take on the burden of his depression, you will damage yourself OP. Please believe me. Whatever is going on- depression or OW- he's treating you very badly. I think you should ask him to leave, as hard as that sounds.

The working time thing is a complete distraction, OP.

It can be opted out of, it can be flexible in the short term (so workers work consecutive days, don't have sufficient breaks between shifts etc, as long as it isn't an ongoing thing), and employers can simply ignore it as there often is no way for employees to challenge it.

He retorted that they "asked him to" not told him to.

That alone tells me he’s lying.

It's up to you to establish what your boundaries are.
You can set a deadline for him to make a decision, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't sure they wanted to be with me.

FWIW when my ex was cheating and/or hiding something (gambling- giving money to his gambling father) and he knew I was getting suspicious he turned on the “pity me” act. He would conjure up some situation that he was stressed/upset about and say he just needed “time and space” to get through it. I was such a mug I gave it to him every time. Because I didn’t want to be the bitch that didn’t support her partner going through a nightmare even though I still didn’t fully believe him. He was also prone to threatening suicide which instantly shut me up of course. I would back off completely and give him his space because I was terrified he would kill himself.

That is how I feel, if he's depressed and needs support then I absolutely want to be with him and help him through it but I'm the flip side if it's a guise for him lying to me then I would rather he leave and spare me the time and anguish of wondering what he's doing and where he is.

So much good advice here thank you. I need to have a serious think

On the flip side*

Fine line between depression and twatism ime....
Offer to go see his GP with him.
If he is genuine he will seek help.
A twat, see a solicitor op...

I expect yesterday will be the last I hear of any GP appointment, according to him he's waiting for a call back as there's no appointments for the next fortnight. I've never had that experience when wanting to book in with my own GP.

You can ring them and book for him. See what they say.

To be fair, GP surgeries vary a lot in avauilability.

"I need an urgent appointment" - same day booking
"No it's not urgent" - 3-4 weeks wait

Enough of putting up with this crap, OP.

Tell him to find somewhere else to sleep tonight and start getting control of your life back.

There are talking services you can refer to in our area but he wouldn't be priority so would have a lengthy wait.

I wish I hadn't accused him of an affair now because if he is up to no good then he'll know now he needs to cover his tracks.

If there was a definitive way of knowing what's going on, be it depression or an affair, I would be able to make my decision knowing it's well informed. The uncertainty of it all is mind wracking.

I'm thankful for the replies by the way, it's helpful to have outsider perspective as I'm very much in the thick of it and can't see the wood for the trees at the minute

OP, I'm not sure all the questioning and confronting is working, or maybe you just timed it badly this morning as he was walking out of the door. Can you ask him to sit down with you tonight, uninterrupted by DC and talk properly and calmly about what is going on? Tell him your fears and watch his reaction. You know him, and you'll get a sense of whether he is lying or not. But anyway he needs to HEAR what this is doing to do. He might be in some midlife angst, evaluating his life and what he has achieved (common as you approach milestone birthdays), or whatever, but regardless of that he is dragging you through his shit. Affair or crisis, or both, it's not fair on YOU. You are hurting and worried and he is doing nothing to help to either reassure you or be straight with you about what the issue is. You need to Express your feelings to him about this. In a calm way.

doing to you*

not doing to do

My exh had depression - did seek GP's help. Refused ads but insisted on sleeping pills. Took 3/4 with huge amounts of alcohol and used this to scare the shit out of me regularly. A form of abuse it seemed like. Totally expected to find him dead one morning..
Get him an appointment op, if he won't go I would seek legal advice.

Has he returned home from his night shift?

Even if he's depressed, he may well need firm boundaries and probably be pushed for action.

He's home yes, he got back at 9ish. He made me a cup of tea but was quiet and didn't talk much. He's sleeping now.

@Tisverycold

I really do feel for you. Because you are within the situation, you can't see that focusing on the tiny individual bits is almost irrelevant. It's the whole picture here.

• He worked overtime and over his hours. So? Whether that was at his own or his boss's request is irrelevant. Because even if you find out he was working that day, it doesn't explain where the hell he was yesterday

• Whether he has depression or not is irrelevant (and I speak as someone who has depression and an ex MH professional). Most people with depression feel shit about themselves. So if they know a loved one was worried and trying to contact them, they send a text even if they can't speak over the phone. His behaviour yesterday, of pissing off and worrying you, was a CHOICE. And if he was depressed and wanted help, why didn't he let you call the police who could help him access that help?

• Whether the baby is true or not is irrelevant. His actions which he blames on the stress about the baby are still atrocious. And why now? Why not years ago when he first knew?

• And I am so sorry op, but whatever he says or whatever "evidence" he produces, it is ALL irrelevant. Because this shows that his past lies have permanently ruined your trust in him (understandably) and there will always be a part of you that will wonder if whatever "proof" he provides is the whole story. Or just a partial explanation.

I spent 15 years in a marriage and my ex broke my trust after 1 year. We went to relate and did all we could. And I STILL never trusted him. That nagging, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach never went away.

• He has TOLD YOU that he doesn't want to be with you three times. You want to believe he has depression and help him through it. If he wanted that, he wouldn't be staying away from you for hours and telling you he doesn't want you.

• This man is the epitome of the diagnosis that psychiatrists, on the MH ward I used to to work on, used to describe men who had acted in the way your partner is doing. That diagnosis was: Self-Pitying Twat.

Your OH is still eating and keeping themselves clean. He is still able to work. So his depression doesn't seem bad enough to justify attributing other, cruel, behaviour to it.

You are being played OP and I am so sorry

To add: if it IS depression, then he is making a choice not to go to the GP and seek help and counselling. No-one is responsible for getting depression. They are always responsible for taking proactive steps to get better. If he isn't willing to do that, he is choosing his current behaviour for even longer.

The thing I find one of the strangest things here? That he sleeps with his phone in his pocket. That is so paranoid. There are so many red flags, and I totally understand you wanting to minimise them or being worried that hes depressed and you're accusing him of something he's not done when hes actually depressed but so much of his behaviour points to him lying about something or covering something up.

If you genuinely think he may be depressed, I would find a time to talk calmly through all the red flags. Explain that they, in turn, are having a knock on effect on your mental health. You have a right to mental wellbeing too and he should support you through that. If he has nothing to hide, depression wouldn't prevent him leaving his phone lying round etc. Ask what you can do to help him and explain what he can do to help you. Start working as a team.

But don't rule out that yes, he may be feeling depressed or heading that way, but it may be that there is something he is hiding and the fact he is hiding something and perhaps unable to financially fund it etc may be a cause of depression. It's not necessarily one OR the other. The two may be synonymous.