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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP making me feel creeped out

277 replies

Phoebesfleas · 14/11/2019 12:58

DP and I have been together for nearly 5 years, I won’t go into too much detail about our lives because they would be quite outing. We don’t live together, he’s emotionally unavailable and never wants to settle or marry and I have a huge responsibility which makes committing to a serious relationship very difficult.
DP had a bad accident in his teens, he missed out on a lot of late teen life due to his recovery and loss of confidence. He feels he has missed out on meeting girls/sex/a teen relationship. This has affected him quite a lot and he is sometimes bitter, usually after too much to drink.
He often makes sexual ‘jokes’ about teen girls, virgins, young breasts, tight vaginas that haven’t been ruined by having babies etc, these ‘jokes’ have always made me feel uncomfortable, he will choose to watch films with teenage girls in and I’ve seen him gawp at very young women. I understand that young women are attractive to men, I don’t have any jealousy issues but something about these jokes make me feel deeply uncomfortable and a squirmy feeling in my belly. I’ve asked him to stop making ‘jokes’ as it makes me uncomfortable, he says I’m jealous of these young women because I’m not young anymore. I do not have any issues with getting older, overall I’m happy with myself. I know he has had issues with porn in the past, I don’t think he does now. His attitude is almost incel like, women over a certain age hold no value and are ‘ruined’ if they have had children. I know that he has tried to get close to an older teen neighbour of his in the past. He has also made ‘jokes’ about my young adult DD, he said that all men think like him but know it’s a taboo subject.
He said something last night that made me cringe and I want to know if it’s me being a prude.
For the record I’ve dated a lot in the past and have never come across a man in his late 30’s having this attitude.
I want to end the relationship over this but don’t know if it’s my problem or his.
Please tell me your opinions.

OP posts:
TheChampagneGalop · 14/11/2019 18:04

Well done, OP!

Ispy123 · 14/11/2019 18:05

Read the whole thread,you've 100% made the right decision and I think you've been so brave to end the relationship so swiftly after mumsnet confirmed your feelings were absolutely correct. Well done

AnyFucker · 14/11/2019 18:19

Hey, op. I have no intention of outing you on your thread but have we chatted before ?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/11/2019 18:27

Well done OP.

If you know someone who's pretty handy and has their own cordless screwdriver, it's very easy to change your own locks. My son did ours last year when we realised our spare keys had gone missing from their hiding place in the back garden. (That's in a UPVC door with 3 bolts, I don't know about other types.)

I'd definitely recommend doing it though, for peace of mind if nothing else.

As a carer you are already taking on a huge emotional burden. Can you carve some time out for yourself to work on your social life? Meetup groups, volunteering, gym classes - whatever floats your boat. If the time clashes with your caring duties, can you ask another family member to commit to doing an hour on a Wednesday afternoon, for example? The happier and more fulfilled you feel, the better the level of support and care you can provide.

Also speak to Adult Social Services to see if you can get funding for a care professional and take some of the weight off your shoulders. You will need to push them hard, but we all pay our taxes to provide these services.

Original poster
Phoebesfleas · 14/11/2019 18:32

Thank you all so much. It’s a quick reply because it’s my busy time here until about 8pm. I’m going to keep coming back to the thread because I’ve found it hugely supportive. Decision to end it was made quickly because I knew it all wasn’t right and I have wanted to end it for months due to what I can only describe as a sick squirmy feeling in my stomach. When we went to the beach in the summer, it’s at the end of my road, I would scan the beach for girls and choose a spot as far away from them as possible, he actually noticed this and said I didn’t want him looking at ‘the young birds’ incase I got jealous, I didn’t feel any jealousy, I felt on edge and anxious. More and more instances are coming into my head. A friends wedding where he videoed a woman’s breasts in a low top whilst she was dancing. The woman I was 15 years ago wouldn’t have tolerated this and would have told him that he’s a filthy pervert.
It has felt like there has been 2 voices in my head, one telling me that his behaviour is not normal and the other justifying it because his comments are made in jest. I needed some perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Phoebesfleas · 14/11/2019 18:34

AnyFucker I believe we have but not about my relationship.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/11/2019 18:38

Ok. No worries.

Eckhart · 14/11/2019 18:40

That's called cognitive dissonance, @Phoebesfleas, and it's a common symptom of being Gaslit (?Gaslighted?) If anything that fact that you have identified those 2 voices is further proof that what he has been doing has been abusive and damaging to you.

Heartburn888 · 14/11/2019 18:44

That is weird. Has he ever said anything to your DD? How does she feel about him?

madcatladyforever · 14/11/2019 18:44

What planet are you living on even asking - LTB he is disgusting. I'd feel sickened even looking at him. Not to mention worried about my teenager. He'd be lucky ever to get his hands on a firm young body.

Clymene · 14/11/2019 18:46

Well done. That's a really good start. I do understand loneliness and isolation, especially when you're a carer. That's a hard place to be.

If I were you, I would make a list of times that I could be free and then look to see what I could do at those times. Join a choir? Do an exercise class? Book group? Volunteer gardener (I don't know if you have that where you live but we have teams of volunteers here who plant banks and flower beds around town). There are lots of things you could do to fulfil a need for human interaction outside of a relationship with a creepy guy.

user1498572889 · 14/11/2019 18:49

He made comments about your daughter. Grown up or not that should have earned him a bobbit. He sounds like a nasty predatory weird freak and you should run away very fast and tell everyone why so no other woman with daughters ever goes anywhere near him.

Lightsabre · 14/11/2019 18:51

You have a lot of insight into why this has happened so I would say you are very self aware. This is a real strength - please use it to follow through this time and end this relationship. It sounds like you're lonely? Can you spend more time with your dd, for something 'to do' whilst you look for other options to 'fill the void'.
I think oils also report my concerns to the police - they have specialist teams that investigate potential sexual predators.

Loosenisous · 14/11/2019 18:51

Omg woman, sort yourself out!

He is a fucking predator.

Leave him and don’t look back.

Nobody is this lonely. He is a vile POS.

lavenderlove · 14/11/2019 18:52

Ugh what a disgusting man. If he's comfortable talking about teenagers like that out loud then I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually attracted to much younger girls in his head

Isaididont · 14/11/2019 19:03

RTFT, the OP is ending it.

Lightsabre · 14/11/2019 19:11

Isaididont, if you had read the full thread, the OP has said she's ended it before but returns to the relationship.

Feckers2018 · 14/11/2019 19:18

Let us know what happens OP. Good for you x

DeadButDelicious · 14/11/2019 19:22

It's not you. It's him. Get rid. He made 'jokes' about your daughter. He has to go.

DeadButDelicious · 14/11/2019 19:25

Should have read the full thread! Good for you OP!

catwithnohat · 14/11/2019 19:49

He sounds utterly obnoxious and on the verge of perverted.

If he makes you feel uncomfortable and he persists in doing it give him the order of the boot - sharpish!

AdriannaP · 14/11/2019 19:52

Disgusting. Please leave him also for your DD.

Justaboy · 14/11/2019 19:56

Counselling was arranged for him a couple of years ago through a hospital consultant, he started opening up during the appointment and the consultant felt he could use some help so pulled strings and he accessed it quickly. I took him to his first appointment because he was nervous, he was in there for well over an hour and when he came out he was raging and refused to go back, he also refused to talk about the session

I think OP you have done as much and more as anyone could reasonably do, its a shame he didnt go back it might have put him on a shall we say better path as I think he's mentally ill.

I also think that you can advise the police of what you know so at least he's on their radar, if that is, they will accept and keep such information as it seems to be that in most instances an offence has to be comitteed before much will be done but at least you've tried.

And you DD is out of harms way but sadley I i suppose some other woman will receive his "attentions" and hopefully she will retaliilate and it will come to the notice of the police.

Best now is to isolate contact though i suspect the sod won't give up contace just like that, but if he should be a nusiance then call Old Bill As a soon as.

Take care of youself please!

namina · 14/11/2019 20:40

Absolute vile pervert glad u have decided to get rid

BeenThereDone · 14/11/2019 21:34

Vile human being.....
You may be older, should be wiser and can do way better than this. He's disgusting. No decent man would ever behave like this.