DP making me feel creeped out

[Phoebesfleas]

DP and I have been together for nearly 5 years, I won’t go into too much detail about our lives because they would be quite outing. We don’t live together, he’s emotionally unavailable and never wants to settle or marry and I have a huge responsibility which makes committing to a serious relationship very difficult.
DP had a bad accident in his teens, he missed out on a lot of late teen life due to his recovery and loss of confidence. He feels he has missed out on meeting girls/sex/a teen relationship. This has affected him quite a lot and he is sometimes bitter, usually after too much to drink.
He often makes sexual ‘jokes’ about teen girls, virgins, young breasts, tight vaginas that haven’t been ruined by having babies etc, these ‘jokes’ have always made me feel uncomfortable, he will choose to watch films with teenage girls in and I’ve seen him gawp at very young women. I understand that young women are attractive to men, I don’t have any jealousy issues but something about these jokes make me feel deeply uncomfortable and a squirmy feeling in my belly. I’ve asked him to stop making ‘jokes’ as it makes me uncomfortable, he says I’m jealous of these young women because I’m not young anymore. I do not have any issues with getting older, overall I’m happy with myself. I know he has had issues with porn in the past, I don’t think he does now. His attitude is almost incel like, women over a certain age hold no value and are ‘ruined’ if they have had children. I know that he has tried to get close to an older teen neighbour of his in the past. He has also made ‘jokes’ about my young adult DD, he said that all men think like him but know it’s a taboo subject.
He said something last night that made me cringe and I want to know if it’s me being a prude.
For the record I’ve dated a lot in the past and have never come across a man in his late 30’s having this attitude.
I want to end the relationship over this but don’t know if it’s my problem or his.
Please tell me your opinions.

'Can a man give off a creepy vibe that women with better boundaries than me can sense and therefore steer clear?'

OP, stop trying to blame yourself for staying. The ease with which you blame yourself is the reason his gaslighting worked. You have realised now and you are taking action, this is you doing well, doing the right thing, having boundaries, having self respect. If you're worried you didn't do this sooner, then talk to a professional to find out the reasons, so that you don't do it again. But move forward. You have realised the problem, you are getting yourself out of it, and that ROCKS.

"I want to end the relationship over this but don’t know if it’s my problem or his."
It doesn't matter whose problem it is. If it makes you uncomfortable and you want to end the relationship then just do it. You don't need others to validate how you feel.

Having said that, I think I would feel very uncomfortable too. He sounds horrible in saying you are jealous because you are not young anymore. I would dump him pronto.

He sounds creepy, obsessive and weird.

He is linking age with attractiveness. And you will only get older.

He has no issue with being derogatory and mean about you and your body.

Any one of these is more than enough to wave bye bye.

Sex offender waiting to happen op, seriously.

I don’t believe he is a danger towards me and he will hand my key back because he has no physically violent/stalker tendencies

Are you sure about that OP? he fantasises about rape and watches teenage girls dress and undress through the window of his flat??

Sounds pretty dangerous to me, in fact he sounds completely sick in the head.

RUN!

He sounds like a pervert. He needs professional help and for him to have made comments about your DD well that is 100 steps too fucking far and I'd have left him a long time ago.

Sorry, I didnt even get to the end of your OP, but please, please leave this man.

Young girls aren’t attractive to men. If a DP of mine gawped at teenage girls I’d be off.

It’s not normal. Please leave him and get your DD well away.

I'd say women with better boundaries would have run from him. People talk about being targeted. Ithink it's more that you put up with his shit and stay with him.

It's a numbers game, he's just being his rotten self and some women have such low self esteem that they will bury their head in the sand at the most obviously glaring red flags.

Leave him, get counselling so you have better boundaries and don't date such a creep again.

Oh and whether you get your key back or not, change the locks.

Can a man give off a creepy vibe that women with better boundaries than me can sense and therefore steer clear?

Oh absolutely, these sorts used to be like flies around shit around my younger self & I was too soft hearted not to kick them to the curb & disbelieve their sob stories. I spot them a mile off these days, even with teen DDs suitors, which as you can imagine isn't appreciated, but when my alarm bells ring these days, I never question it & always act. The one lad who absolutely gave me the creeps in a way I was shocked at fir such a young lad (17) & DD has argued blacks white that I'm being unfair to him etc, ended up sending her screenshots of chats between him & a friend about how he'd like to rape her & wanted to know if she was on the pill so he couldn't get caught followed by going completely off the rails, ending up in a psyc unit & now boasts that he's schizophrenic & is trying to use it to manipulateDD & other girls to keeping in touch with him as he's ill. Manipulative shit😏 sadly DD has a long way to go with trusting her bullshit detector, but at least she has acknowledged I was right & he scares her, especially as he's manipulating her friends & it's causing problems with DD as she now thankfully won't go where he is invited

Just reading your description of him made me squirm. It’s not just you. Is he potentially dangerous?

I didn’t do it sooner because I didn’t want to be alone, pathetic excuse I know. But being alone is better than being with a man like him. My circumstances at home are stressful and I don’t have much contact with the outside world, I can’t change this although the time I can get away I am going to put to good use, my mind is running wild with all the things I could possibly do which would be good for meeting new people (not men!) and feeling less lonely.
When I met him he filled a void and I saw red flags but ignored them.
I’ve text DD and told her I’m ending it, she is over the moon, she knows nothing about this side of him, she didn’t like him in general.

I agree get your daughter away from him right now. He sounds vile

He has also made ‘jokes’ about my young adult DD,

What the fuck. Why the hell are you still with this man! You're putting your daughter at risk here!!

As a mother you should not have someone like him in your life. At all.

Don't blame yourself. I saw red flags and ignored them and ended up in an abusive relationship. Sometimes when we are vulnerable we aren't thinking properly. At least you have come to your senses and will bin him and never look back.

Thank God you don't live together, so much easier to dispose of.
Have you thought of joining Meet up groups to meet people? sorry if you have a condition that means you can't do that.

Sometimes to often women on here are too fast to tell others to end their relationships.
"What.....he won't stand in the garden when he trims his beard? Kick the selfish wanker to the kerb"

In this case you need to seriously think about it. Comment about your daughter is a big red flag and I would say his obsessive comments and letching lead me to say he is definitely still on the porn regardless of what he says.

In just under 5 years DD has seen him a handful of times, I have no concerns of him preying on my DD, I think I may have subconsciously kept her away, when DD and I get together I haven’t ever asked him along.
RockinHippy that’s horrific!
I am a carer and have been for the last 13 years, friends have moved on with their lives and I have somewhat been left behind as I don’t get much respite.

Who do you care for op and does he have contact with that person?

OP I just wanted to post & say I really feel for you & am so glad you see this disgusting person for what he is now. I agree with PP that you should give the NSPCC / police a call given what you've told us, as he could very well be a danger to children. I am wondering how you are going to explain breaking up this relationship, because if you tip him off that it's related to his behaviour suggesting he is a paedophile, he might take steps to destroy anything that might be on his pc, etc. I'm just thinking that if you contact NSPCC / police after you've told him this, there might be stuff that he has already hidden. I'm not sure if I've made sense there.

With regards to you, once you're single, perhaps you could start a fresh thread once this is over, and we could give suggestions for things that have helped us when isolated. If that might be helpful.

I wish you strength for all of this, and just know that you deserve better you deserve happiness, whether with a partner or not. FWIW, I've been single for 17 years & it has its distinct advantages.

Oh my god. I can't believe what I'm reading! You need to report him.

I have no concerns of him preying on my DD

Wtf?!!!? I have concerns for your poor daughter and she isn't even my child.
If I heard this from a parent or child about living with a predator I would call social services on you.

Good luck when your daughter, 10 years from now, confides that he's abused her.

Can a man give off a creepy vibe that women with better boundaries than me can sense and therefore steer clear

But you also sensed the vibes op, it's simoly you chose to accept it, ignore it, and be with him regardless. I'm sorry but this appears to be the facts.

Kats11 I have no concerns because she is an adult in her 20’s living with her lovely big burly boyfriend, he doesn’t even know where she lives. I have no concerns. She is not a child.

He sounds absolutely disgusting and potentially dangerous. Get away from him and get the help you need to STAY away.