DP making me feel creeped out

[Phoebesfleas]

DP and I have been together for nearly 5 years, I won’t go into too much detail about our lives because they would be quite outing. We don’t live together, he’s emotionally unavailable and never wants to settle or marry and I have a huge responsibility which makes committing to a serious relationship very difficult.
DP had a bad accident in his teens, he missed out on a lot of late teen life due to his recovery and loss of confidence. He feels he has missed out on meeting girls/sex/a teen relationship. This has affected him quite a lot and he is sometimes bitter, usually after too much to drink.
He often makes sexual ‘jokes’ about teen girls, virgins, young breasts, tight vaginas that haven’t been ruined by having babies etc, these ‘jokes’ have always made me feel uncomfortable, he will choose to watch films with teenage girls in and I’ve seen him gawp at very young women. I understand that young women are attractive to men, I don’t have any jealousy issues but something about these jokes make me feel deeply uncomfortable and a squirmy feeling in my belly. I’ve asked him to stop making ‘jokes’ as it makes me uncomfortable, he says I’m jealous of these young women because I’m not young anymore. I do not have any issues with getting older, overall I’m happy with myself. I know he has had issues with porn in the past, I don’t think he does now. His attitude is almost incel like, women over a certain age hold no value and are ‘ruined’ if they have had children. I know that he has tried to get close to an older teen neighbour of his in the past. He has also made ‘jokes’ about my young adult DD, he said that all men think like him but know it’s a taboo subject.
He said something last night that made me cringe and I want to know if it’s me being a prude.
For the record I’ve dated a lot in the past and have never come across a man in his late 30’s having this attitude.
I want to end the relationship over this but don’t know if it’s my problem or his.
Please tell me your opinions.

@@Phoebesfleas

I've been a carer for my son for 21 years, so I totally understand the isolation. And I know it can make a person feel that need for a closeness with another person.

Stay strong. Stay angry. Stay posting here.

I'm just running in to post & haven't caught up with rest of thread, but I hope you can speak to someone about him. And that you can have your own support - I saw you mention your counselling appt. I have been helped hugely by therapy - having fled horrific DV abuse and crappy family that I now have no contact with. Isolation really has taken its toll.

Take care of yourself.

Does your loved one claim PIP or attendance allowance? It is worth doing as you would get some money towards a care assistant so you can have some time off. If you get the money but don't hire a carer, would recommend it at least sometimes so you can have some time off. If your loved one isn't 100% happy with it, they'll get used to it- and they should consider your needs too. xxx

Well done OP, you are doing brilliantly in difficult circumstances now the wool has been pulled from your eyes. And to be honest, if you can be strong enough I absolutely think you should report him to the police. What he is saying to you isn't paedophilia, by legal definition that would involve pre-pubescent children but as he's being so open about his attraction to young teenagers I'd be wary that he's keeping some attraction to younger kids quiet, especially since he seems to like the idea of forced sex. I hope you stay safe, I hope you can make the call to 101 or go to the local police station to voice your concerns. If you do so it's out of your hands, the worst they could do to him is to seize his computers and if they did and find nothing, no harm done really for a man so openly perverted.

'What he is saying to you isn't paedophilia, by legal definition that would involve pre-pubescent children'

Paedophilia isn't actually a legal term. Some people for some reason draw a distinction between paedophilia as attraction to someone before puberty, and hebephilia = a young person past puberty, but anyone under 16 is legally a child below the age of consent, so in fact attraction to both could kind of be called paed (which means child) -ophilia.

Sex with any child under 16 is a crime, regardless of their age. I don't see one type of child abuse as lesser than another as such.

I mean, I don't see abuse of a child of one age as ok or necessarily lesser.

Two words for you...

GARY GLITTER

Oh my god op . I really hope your going to leave this piece of shit soon . Everything I have read has made me think that he might be a pedophile . I would be looking at his search history and if I found stuff on his phone I'd report him to the police S he would soon get the help he needs ! Please leave him . No one should ever make you feel crap about yourself . Lifting your breast up ? That's degrading as hell . I sure hope he looks like brad Pitt ! Honestly if I was you he would of been gone the 1st time he ever spoke the way he does. Iv not read a post on here that made my stomach turn as much as this . It winds me right up with men and women thinking it's normal
And we should put up with me taking about women and viewing porn on line because that's just what men do 🤢! We are worth more than that ! Xxx

You sound a lovely lady OP, you just need to find some new friends and support groups, please don’t push yourself into relationships or hold onto them because in some ways I know finding a partner is an easier option sometimes. I’ve been that person. This guy is a weirdo , he may come across as being s bit of a geezer but believe me any bloke these days who can’t understand he is being a sleaze or offensive with his comments is weird or totally lacking in basic decency

So many people have responded but I feel compelled to write as I think it's important that you hear this from as many people as possible. You must leave this man. He's revolting at best and dangerous at worst. Please do yourself, your daughter and all womanhood a favour and get out now. You deserve and will get so, SO much better. Good luck OP.

Also, I agree with @user1479305498 - you do really sound lovely and it says a lot about your nature that you don't want to think badly about someone...but trust your gut on this one, he's a wrong'un!

What a weirdo!

You poor thing, ts hard when you are lonely and have limited opportunities to meet new people. Your standards lower out of sheer isolation and you start justifying things just so you have some adult company, some intimacy. The problem is he sees it too and probably knows he can behave however he wants as he knows you are pretty desperate.
He sounds utterly vile, you on the other hand sound really lovely. I really hope things improve for you

I'm so glad you are ending it with him op. He sounds vile and you sound lovely, I hope you meet someone else, that's genuinely caring, loving and respectful.

"He has also made ‘jokes’ about my young adult DD, he said that all men think like him but know it’s a taboo subject."

No, just NO.

Everything else you have said is utterly disgusting. Not all men think like that. Sure, they may notice an attractive young woman, but a healthy man doesn't go on like this. Noooooooo.... oh God I dated someone a bit like this ages ago, but he didn't actually say this stuff, but a couple of things he said really were odd, and I went digging around and found out he was obsessed with teenagers online. Awful. I could not bare to look at him a second longer.

Get this man away from your daughter now. He may already have offended and you would have no idea. She should not be around him.

@Kats11

Wtf?!!!? I have concerns for your poor daughter and she isn't even my child.
If I heard this from a parent or child about living with a predator I would call social services on you.

Good luck when your daughter, 10 years from now, confides that he's abused her.

Her daughter is an adult and doesn't live with her you blithering lummox! OP said that way up thread. You are clearly just annoyed that you didn't read properly.

@justilou1

Two words for you...

GARY GLITTER

It's not Gary Glitter, OP's ex is in his late thirties and GG is 75 years old.

'It's not Gary Glitter, OP's ex is in his late thirties and GG is 75 years old.'

'
How does that make a difference? A perv is a perv is a perv.

How’s he taken the split?

I was comparing his behaviour to Gary Glitter, not saying he was GG....

Ew I need a shower

He sounds horrible and you deserve better.

So he is humiliating you, gaslighting you, and making inappropriate remarks about yoing girls? Tell me, why are you still with him? Get the fucker out of your life now.

This is what porn does to us. It turns us into objects. Non people. Items of jest and scorn.
Porn is the biggest threat to womanhood after bans on abortion/contraception. We need to rise up. Why are we accepting it?

I’m a guy in late 30s and I definitely don’t think that way. I am much more attracted to my wife (obviously) and women in their 30s and 40s.

This is some creepy shit from your guy, and I always find older guys being into much younger women very odd.

Around five years ago, I worked with a guy. Many -including other men it must be said - found him creepy, predatory and with a certain darkness about him.
He left under a massive cloud. Sacked and hushed up. He argued on a works night out that it was ok for a 12 year old girl to have sex with boyfriend and (without being outing) that a 16 year old boy bring prosecuted for raping his 14 year old half sister was wrong ... in other words it wasn't rape and she had consented.These comments on top of previous behaviours caused close team members to refuse to work with him directly. Other creepy behaviours included looking younger female colleagues up and down in a predatory way, referencing menstrusting women as being disgusting and smelly and why couldn't he as a hot blooded male make appreciative comments about women's legs? Oh and that he wouldn't consider going down on a women who had given birth vaginally!
There was a darkness abut him . I had very little to do with him thdnk God and didn't work directly with him. I can honestly say in my longboard working life, I have not encountered someone so vile and so universally detested.
Your partner is cut from the same cloth. These men do not change and are dangerous. Run and do not look back ...