Update - back home and it gets worse!

[Coronade]

So we are back from the 2 week family holiday from hell, which on day 4, I discovered partner of 27 yrs was having an affair but I kept it quiet so i didn’t ruin the holiday for our children ( 16 & 20).

Been home a few days and I still haven’t said anything as I want to wait till I’ve seen a solicitor on Friday ( we aren’t married). I’ve discovered he has a list of all the dates he has been on with this woman ( very nice places too and nights away -16 so far and he must have spent a fortune). What kind of arsehole keeps a list of the dates he’s been on with his mistress?!!
I’ve also found out who she is and where she works. She is also married with grown up children. He used to go out with her when he was a teenager. How sweet 🤮
He’s sent her flowers, I know the hotel they stayed at one night and the numerous long phone calls he’s had with her ( supposedly he hates talking on the phone!!).
He’s also adding to the list since we’ve been home as he’s meeting her for a day out this week.

I can’t believe it all really, think I’m in shock. He can lie so easily and so well. I feel like a complete idiot.

The list of dates makes me think that he's being strategic about his relationship with her, he's keeping a log of things... as if he wants to chart the progress to give him more control?

Good luck OP 💐
Like PP suggests get your finances sorted. I would not tell her husband because you don’t know what their situation is about. They might be in an open relationship or he might know and is fine with it. Focus on yourself and what you want to do/ get out of this.
Depending on solicitors advice, I would surprise them on their nice weekend away. Get pictures of them together keep your cool, don’t make a scene and discuss with him when he returns.

I don't know how you've kept this to yourself - well done. No point blowing your cover now, so I agree with pp to see the solicitor (which I know you are).

Not sure it's the same (with you not being married), but when I was seeking separation (not divorce) from my first H, my Sol drew up a Separation Agreement, basically detailing what I wanted (half of all assets and more money on top, to account for his huge pension versus my small one).

In your shoes, I would tell the kids myself. You cannot trust him to be honest. My first H said he would tell his family that he had cheated. I'm not sure what story he gave them, but they never spoke to me again, so make of that what you will! I'd also tell his family - afterwards though, so they can't pre-warn him of anything. Believe me, blood is thicker than water, and you may not think so now, but his family will side with him over you. I had a great relationship with my former MIL, but she sided with her cheating son when the shit hit the fan.

I think when he realises you know, and he's about to lose his family and home, he will grovel. I my experience, once he knows it's really over he will turn into an evil bastard. So please be careful.

Once you have seen the Sol and sorted the financial side of things, if I was in your shoes, I'd wait until the next "date" he has with OW. Once he had set off on his jolly, I'd tell the kids and I'd also call the OW husband. I would then text him and say :

"I know where you are and who you are with. I've known what's going on for months. I have seen a Solicitor and I have had a separation agreement drawn up, which is ready to be sent to your Solicitor once you appoint one. I've told your mother. You will need to stay with her until you find somewhere else to live. I've also told the children and none of us want you back here. I have delivered most of your clothes to your mothers house today. I have also reported you to the Police for the physical attacks made on me, on XX dates, and you should be aware, that if you try to force entry into this house, you will be arrested. I have also enlightened OW's husband as to what has been going on, and I have told him where you are right now. Not much else to say really. Goodnight"

Oh, and take copies of his wage slips for child maintenance.

My partner also kept a handwritten list of dates and places that he and OW had been together. Like a PP has said, I think it was evidence of the deluded fantasyland that they inhabit while having an affair. Honestly, it turns them completely cuckoo, their brains become mush as they're are so flooded by a cocktail of brain chemicals while all this is happening that they're effectively behaving like a drug addict. You're trying to rationalise it but there is no rational thought behind what they're doing.
Just to warn you, when he discovers that you know what's been going on and everything comes out in the open, he will come crashing down out of lala land and it's quite a bump. He will really struggle at this point as all of a sudden his cosy little fantasy set up will be exposed to the cold, harsh light of day and his behaviour will quite likely become even more unpredictable. Stay strong OP. You're not the idiot, he is. He will realise it at some point.

I wouldn't say anything until you speak with your Solicitor. I wouldn't tell the children for a while. I wouldn't focus on the affair. I think the majority of your focus should be on what you are going to do financially. Your DH is abusive and your children have been forced to live in this environment for quite sometime. Your DD should not have to deal with being on a holiday and watching her father throwing a cup at her mother and then watching her mother crying and running away. You need to sort out housing/money/whether you are going to become employed etc. The affair is irrelevant.

He sounds like a love sick teenager keeping dates etc.

Re the dc, as you said, don't slag him off, but don't cover for him either. They deserve to know the truth.

I think the list is a trophy thing too.

You've remained calm and planned so carefully so far. That has to have been incredibly hard so don't make it all for nothing and go nuclear now.

You need to put in place the systems to ensure the outcome you want:
Telling the children in an appropriate way; and
Getting your share of the finances.

Focus on that first - so that means seeing a solicitor, getting your paperwork for a single future in order, sorting out the finances and having all that in place.
Then you can text him on his next date that you are over and set out your terms outlined by your solicitor, and tell the children you are separating and why. If you think you or the children might be at risk when he finds out, you need to have a plan in place for potential police assistance.

Sounds like you are doing well to keep this in until you have the legal stuff sorted - well done, and stay strong!

I really don’t know why so many people are advising dramatic confrontations. The relationship maybe over but the OPs reliance on her partner’s income isn’t.

All of her wealth is tied up in the properties that won’t be sold overnight, unless at a loss for both of them. Her partner can filibuster the sale anyway, if he is so inclined.

Without his check at the end of the month she will be depending on getting CMS for one child and a UC claim processed. All before Christmas. She can’t make a claim until he moves out of the home because they aren’t married. She doesn’t own a car but needs one.

Unless she wants to accept his behaviour and his affair, she should end the relationship. Far better to be “civil” about it in exchange for some mutual cooperation that allows them both to sort out their futures. He holds a lot of cards, because he controls the family income. Which stops being the family income once she tries to throw him out. It is his income.

As far as I can see the OP’s only leverage is to agree to discrete about his affair in return for ongoing support until the homes are sold.

Reading your earlier post much of your strength and your advantage comes from the fact that he thinks he's the clever one and that you are 'a retard', so if you can just keep on playing that part he will get more and more confident, more and more lax, he is doing all the work in building a case against himself you just need to collect all the pieces of evidence

Based on his violence you can apply to court for a NMO, or you can contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline or NCDV (national centre for dv who can obtain a NMO for you). Equally you can phone your local court and ask for the forms and emergency audience with a judge and get it the same day. You should also obtain a residency order as this will make him legally unable to come back inside the home.

Definitely avoid any confrontation or engagement in his nonsense.

Once orders are delivered police are empowered to remove him and keep him out, you don't need to say anything to him.

@Coronade

I was the same as you. I became a little detective as he didn't leave me many crumbs. I was sure it was just me being paranoid but I followed my gut instinct looked at his computer and found out everything.
I stupidly forgave him for the sake of his children (I'm a stepmom) but a leopard never changes its spots and he did it again. I moved out and took my dogs with me. His ex wife was amazing and still let me see the children and was a great support.
You have to do what is best for you. He's clearly getting on with a life on his own so let him.
The grass isn't greener on the other side and my ex was dumped and is now living alone, even his children don't see him anymore.

OP, are you a SAHM? If so, you're also going to need to try to get a job, which if you've been out of the workplace for 27 years, is going to be difficult. The DWP will expect you to be looking for work, as your kids are not little.

Don't expect him to be fair, if you're fair to him. He'll do everything he can to fuck you over, so as the car's in his name, he'll probably take it. You need to come up with a plan for how to get your DD to school, if he does. He won't think about anything he does, as being detrimental to his kids, he'll just be wanting to fuck you over as much as he can, because you've stopped him from having his cake and eating it.

The trouble is, as you're not married, you're only entitled to what YOU own. Luckily, the house is split, but unless you can afford to buy him out of his half, and he's willing, it will have to be sold. My ex insisted on selling the house, even though it was making our 7 year old son homeless.

Because he is also abusive and doesn't take well to being called out on any of his despicable behaviour, i think you should have a friend or friends alerted to be waiting for you, maybe in a car outside to alert them after you tell him you know, incase things go badly. I would be afraid of physical violence

He won't think about anything he does, as being detrimental to his kids, he'll just be wanting to fuck you over as much as he can, because you've stopped him from having his cake and eating it

I agree very much with this. My Ex wasn't as half as bad as the Op's, but wow, he turned evil when he knew I was leaving him.

Men often want to shag OW, but rarely do they actually want to lose their wife, home and kids. Mine begged on his knees for forgiveness. Couldn't do enough for me, until he realised it wasn't working.

Be aware!

Well done for being so brave and handling this so well, OP.

As others have stated: get your ducks in a row before telling anyone else about the affair. Make sure you are protected financially and that you will get your fair share of the assets. This is integral for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children.

After that, if you feel scared to tell him in person by all means text him, or I believe you can request a police presence while doing so, so that if he gets violent in the moment or in the future they have all of this on file.

As you are doing, keep all evidence of the affair for your lawyers.

You are doing everything right. I have such admiration for you. In terms of telling the kids, do what you think is best depending on what your legal team suggest.

If you think telling them will make things easier for them, then do, but please know that it is not your responsibility to explain things for him.

We are all thinking of you, good luck! Please give us an update on how things turn out so that we aren't worrying, if you feel you want to/ can.

OP did he leave a mark when he threw a mug at you? If so make sure you photograph it.

Agree with the others, making sure he's double sure of dates so he can come up with excuses and lies if he needs to or he's planning on telling her DH.

You don't have friends helping out when you're scared, you have police.

Keep your friends safe too and keep them separate for the support and help they give. Keep them out of the abuse or they will likely be targetted also, and I mean them being at risk.

I just looked and I do have a bruise from where the cup hit me. I’ve taken a picture.

Christ @Coronade he sounds like a salad of wrongdoings.

Well done for being so strong.

@Smotheroffive I didn't mean to get friends to save the day or anything, just make sure other people are aware and near who can alert police should something go down if the op doesn't want to alert the police at first for whatever reason. obviously getting police to be there would be a much better idea.