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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update - back home and it gets worse!

145 replies

Coronade · 14/11/2019 00:26

So we are back from the 2 week family holiday from hell, which on day 4, I discovered partner of 27 yrs was having an affair but I kept it quiet so i didn’t ruin the holiday for our children ( 16 & 20).

Been home a few days and I still haven’t said anything as I want to wait till I’ve seen a solicitor on Friday ( we aren’t married). I’ve discovered he has a list of all the dates he has been on with this woman ( very nice places too and nights away -16 so far and he must have spent a fortune). What kind of arsehole keeps a list of the dates he’s been on with his mistress?!!
I’ve also found out who she is and where she works. She is also married with grown up children. He used to go out with her when he was a teenager. How sweet 🤮
He’s sent her flowers, I know the hotel they stayed at one night and the numerous long phone calls he’s had with her ( supposedly he hates talking on the phone!!).
He’s also adding to the list since we’ve been home as he’s meeting her for a day out this week.

I can’t believe it all really, think I’m in shock. He can lie so easily and so well. I feel like a complete idiot.

OP posts:
Goldenchildsmum · 14/11/2019 08:52

*I will let you know how I get on with the solicitor tomorrow.

*Today is going to be a long one!

I echo what everyone is saying. You're a superstar. Please keep us informed about what the solicitor says - you're doing an amazing job as a woman and as a mother Thanks

Cloverbeauty · 14/11/2019 08:58

Why not tell the husband? Why should he have to stay in a false marriage? I would tell him because its not fair, he is being lied to just as much as you and should also have a fair chance of getting out of it with what he deserves, not what his tart of a wife may take from him if she leaves him for your husband.

If it was the other way around, would you want to be told? Or find out when your husband walks out and leaves you with nothing?

I know you've got a lot on your mind already so can understand why you don't want to get involved. But there are two people being lied to here.

ringletsandtwiglets · 14/11/2019 09:08

@Coronade, I wondered if he was keeping the list so he could remember the dates he'd lied to you about.

Gonetoget · 14/11/2019 09:11

Or to impress the ow, ah this is our 16th date, remember she went went to posh restaurant Xxx 3 weeks ago. Must be difficult for him to keep track of his lying cheating lifestyle.

PlanningApplication · 14/11/2019 09:12

My exH kept a diary of when he'd been out on his hobby. I discovered little hearts drawn on the dates he'd met OW while out. I think it's an ego thing.

Adogwithabone · 14/11/2019 09:22

I really hope you reconsider telling OW's husband. He may be completely in the dark and should have the option to decide where to go with the Info.

I wish I had known and had options when I was in OW's H's position.

AdoraBell · 14/11/2019 09:29

You are doing fantastically, bloody well done 👍

Re the list of dates, does he keep lists for most things, or could it be an ego thing? Kind of ‘I’m so clever I’ve seen OW all these times and my children’s mother has no clue’

thebabessavedme · 14/11/2019 09:32

just a thought from me, dont worry too much about telling your dcs, I would pretty much bet that they will be far more support to you than you can imagine, they are old enough to know that what he is doing is totally not right and that you are the one who needs them right now. good luck

AdoraBell · 14/11/2019 09:35

Posted too soon, sorry.

Re telling the husband, I would put that off until you have things settled, then slip it in into conversation. People will ask what went wrong, why did you leave that wonderful man, why did you break the family up etc. When they do say you discovered he was cheating with Mrs X and that was the final straw. Or cite her name when he tries to drag you through the family court.

ELM8 · 14/11/2019 09:39

I would say the list is to keep track of the lies, just in case.

Well done for holding your nerve and getting your ducks in a row - you will thank yourself on the other side of this Thanks

dontalltalkatonce · 14/11/2019 09:39

Get some legal advice. All this talk of taking him to the cleaner's and getting your fair share doesn't work when you are not married (actually, it doesn't even if you are particularly married to a financially abusive person). Really hope you've been working.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 14/11/2019 09:40

Bloody hell you poor thing. What a wanker 😔

My ex kept a handwritten list of dates and places which he later said was so he could remember the dates he lied about.

It was so he didn't upset or worry me apparently. What a good egg.

Thanks
Stillfunny · 14/11/2019 09:40

These guys are truly pathetic. And seem to do the same things . Meeting up with an old girlfriend- yes, mine too. Long marriage , 30 years for me.
Must be an asshole thing.

I told my DCs last weekend. Told them I discovered that DH had been unfaithful and that I could not tolerate that in a marriage. Also told them that I needed to tell them as the strain of pretending was too difficult for me and making me ill and stressed. They asked for details , I told them only what they asked.
Husband not happy.Said I shouldn't involve them. I said that you betrayed all of us and you brought this shit into our family. Also, I did not trust him to lie and try to minimise the affairs.

I think you are terrific for your resolve in this. Even when it is what you want, it isn't easy. I hope you get a good solicitor that gets all you deserve

If he refuses to leave the house, could you get a restraining order based on his physical violence ?
As an aside , this OW I'd getting some prize. NOT!Smile

Wishing you all the best. Flowers

TimeForNewStart · 14/11/2019 09:43

He’s keeping a list because he is obsessed with her, and having a list to look at makes it more ‘real’. That’s my guess anyway.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/11/2019 09:44

OP - I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The keeping of dates is part of the whole idealisation of a relationship that isn't based in reality. It makes it 'special'; it sets it apart from the rest of your partner's life so that he can escape to some kind of wonderland.

This is, of course, him attempting to escape from himself, which will work for a while, until it doesn't.

I think you're handling things impeccably, btw. Flowers to you and your kids.

StormTreader · 14/11/2019 09:50

It's a trophy list, it's the number of times hes "won" without you knowing because he's just so clever.

Mollyalone · 14/11/2019 09:58

I would see solicitor and get all my financial ducks in a row
Then go to see her husband and put him in the picture as he really does have a right to know On the day they are on their shitty date 😡
Then Both of you send a txt to both your H and his W at The same time just saying We Know !
Sounds drastic but clear clean and final that the cats out the bag
Then tell your children the clean clear facts and say we need to pull together now to put our lives back together all together

Good luck you poor girl this is awful for you, but trust you will come through the other side x

inwood · 14/11/2019 10:03

You are very strong! Personally I would tell the kids, they are not stupid and they will have seen what was going on. I wouldn't be surprised if the stress is contributing to the meltdowns you mentioned your daughter is having. Once the truth is out they have something to deal with, not a vague what if situation. (I was that child once!).

What an absolute wanker.

RatherBeRiding · 14/11/2019 10:07

I suspect he is keeping the list to try to ensure he isn't caught out in a lie by letting slip he was somewhere else on X date when he was supposed to be at work.

You sound as though you've got this - hats off to you for handling this so well.

Personally I'd tell the kids that you can no longer live with him as there are serious issues in your relationship, and leave it at that. But equally, don't lie for him. If they ask you outright if he is having an affair I would tell the truth. Demonising him is one thing, honesty and not lying for him is another.

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/11/2019 10:08

Please take on board what @butterflyFed says op. I wouldn't tell anyone anything, don't compromise your position.

Being financially reliant on someone this volatile is a very precarious position to be in. As others have said gather financial evidence, large shop of non perishable items and meat to freeze, and please whatever you do don't breathe a word until that cheque is cleared. When so you see a solicitor?

You need to be able to handle this in silence with no disruption to your plans or financial foulplay from him, and when you're ready to tell him your ending things if he gets aggressive or violent, police immediately.

I think you've been incredibly brave but it's crucial that you keep quiet and play smart 💐

Miniloso · 14/11/2019 10:12

Strength to you OP, you are doing incredibly well and with dignity.

CantstandmLMs · 14/11/2019 10:14

Wishing you good luck with it all, OP. I think you deserve a medal for surviving the holiday and with everything you're finding. You sound very strong. He is awful!

Doggybiccys · 14/11/2019 10:18

Sorry you are going through this OP. WRT the list of dates - I wonder if he has other things in his diary just incase he was rumbled e.g. “how come you were out late on date x?”....”let me check my diary ....ah, that was the night I had to work late due to blah blah” ....that type of thing.

BendyLikeBeckham · 14/11/2019 10:28

OP, when he is away with OW, text him to say he isn't coming back to the family home. Pack his stuff up. Get a Non Molestation Order.

Regardless of his part ownership of the house and the legalities of changing the locks, I would just do it. He has to seek a court order to get back in. If you have a NMO, no Judge will allow him residence in the same home as you.

dontalltalkatonce · 14/11/2019 10:36

Honestly, do not do anything without seeing a solicitor first. You're not married, it's a totally different situation. You cannot just apply for a NMO, he has to be served, you need to go to court and you cannot just change the locks and he has to get a court order to get back in.