Update - back home and it gets worse!

[Coronade]

So we are back from the 2 week family holiday from hell, which on day 4, I discovered partner of 27 yrs was having an affair but I kept it quiet so i didn’t ruin the holiday for our children ( 16 & 20).

Been home a few days and I still haven’t said anything as I want to wait till I’ve seen a solicitor on Friday ( we aren’t married). I’ve discovered he has a list of all the dates he has been on with this woman ( very nice places too and nights away -16 so far and he must have spent a fortune). What kind of arsehole keeps a list of the dates he’s been on with his mistress?!!
I’ve also found out who she is and where she works. She is also married with grown up children. He used to go out with her when he was a teenager. How sweet 🤮
He’s sent her flowers, I know the hotel they stayed at one night and the numerous long phone calls he’s had with her ( supposedly he hates talking on the phone!!).
He’s also adding to the list since we’ve been home as he’s meeting her for a day out this week.

I can’t believe it all really, think I’m in shock. He can lie so easily and so well. I feel like a complete idiot.

Well done for going through this. You did incredibly well to keep it together and have for many years. You know the split is the right thing.

I do get why you want to tell the kids and confront him while he’s away. If he weren’t abusive, that would be different. However, they can call the police if you are in danger.

Perhaps you should consider asking your ds not to go out drinking. There will be other days for him to drink and he hopefully has a long life ahead for celebrations. This otoh is a pivotal day for your family and a day to put yourself first.

I’ve just seen butterflys message. I do agree with this. Financials and protection all copied and sewn up first.

Texting him is a good idea. I would be worried of physical violence if you do this face to face.

Don't do anything until you have seen the solicitor though. Don't leave yourself vulnerable financially

You should be the one to tell the children. H would lie, gaslight, and shift the blame to you. Due to his abusive temper, I would follow your plan to tell them and his mother on Saturday,. Ask your son to stay home for a while.

Tell them that you have seen a solicitor and intend to separate because H is seeing someone else and because of his anger issues. They are old enough to hear the truth. After telling the children, text him.

Sorry...not H...Partner

Wait and find out what the solicitor has to say on Friday before you make plans

Also ask the solicitor what your options are if he is violent, can you get an injunction ASAP etc and keep him away from house etc

Well done for making it home. Good luck with the solicitor.

Didn't see your first thread but it sounds like you've been amazing holding it together. Hope the solicitor can really help tomorrow.

I am so sorry op. It’s good you have the solicitor on Friday.

It’s definitely best not to tackle your dp over this. A cheater will generally lie anyway, there is absolutely nothing to gain by taking to him. You have done really well to be able to avoid this.

I’d get the strategy sorted with the solicitor, tell the children only once you’ve planned what you need to do. Sounds like talking to the 20yo first might be a good plan. At least at their ages you will not have any contact issues to deal with and additionally getting rid of someone you are not married to should be more straightforward than having to get divorced.

You have amazing strength, use that going forward and remind yourself constantly of this. Play smart and play hard, leave the fool spinning. Maintain your dignity and poise and dismantle his life like he has done to yours.

You deserve better. End of. Your children will already know this and want this for you too. Be factual, firm but fair and they’ll respect and support you.

You are a hero in my eyes!

One word of advice re solicitor - they are not all equal. My 4th was amazing and got the abuse. The first 3 did not. No 4 was with me for 9 years and 5 runs through court. My exh was very litigious but has now lost parental responsibility.

I secind @billhaders advice!

Legal. Money. Announce.

Get your future sorted. There are so many women here who get shafted. He will shaft you - you know this. So!

Legal. Money. Announce

Well, if you have a joint account I’d drain it when he goes away with his mistress. That’ll teach the cunt! Joking, not joking

On a practical note, write everything down for the solicitor so you can make the most of your appointment. Good luck

Don’t worry about telling the children - I am sure they know already or can guess it.
I was much younger when I had a holiday like that (DM sneaking off to pay phones to call her BF, being distant etc) and could figure out what was going on.

I too have been following since your holiday, I think you are doing really well in light of everything. If you have a good relationship with your MIL, I would be talking to her in confidence and being really calm but informative to her. She may decide her loyalty (however misplaced) is with her son but if she's sensible, she'll see that the grandkids are the most important (to her) part of this equation and she could be a good person for them to talk to when the fall-out starts. Good luck with the solicitors, stay strong.

You're amazing and strong and you will get through this!

Take him to the cleaners, the complete and utter piece of shite.

Tell him you know where he's going just before he goes to meet her and that he may as well take a bag because he's not welcome home afterwards.

Then tell the kids on Sunday after the mad day of drinking.
It's never going to be a good time to tell them especially if DD is doing her GCSEs and they'll want to know why he hasn't come home.

Just make sure that the kids know that you are happy for the them to continue having a relationship from their father. That they won't be asked to take sides. Do this for them, not him.

I’m amazed at how clear thinking you are! I was an absolute wreck when my now ex dh left me for his ex girlfriend- similar story really. He left me with £20k worth of debt as well and I had to downsize / sort it all out and was then made redundant all at the same time. Was horrendous... but I survived and so will you. You definitely have your head screwed on. Good luck.

Hold your nerve for a little bit longer to make sure you have all the evidence you need.
Talk to the police. Take copies of all your joint assets, his wage slips, P60, anything at all that is relevant to your joint financial situation. Get evidence of his affair.

Only once you have all of this then wait till he is away, text him that you know, that it is over and bag up his stuff and send him to his mums/ OW. Tell OW's husband. You owe her nothing and don't let her get away with it.

Don't let him tell the DC. What on earth do you think he is going to say? Mum and I haven't got on for ages, it's been awful, we both want this. This is what he will say. He will never admit that he is a lying cheating shit. You need to tell him mum and your DC. Don't let him dictate the narrative.

You’ve some very good advice here op, my only thing to add is worrying about telling a 20 year old DS on the day of a major drinking session, I would wait until Sunday if you can. Obviously though you know him best and I can assure you the kids know more than you think.

I second BillHader's advice.

Talk to the solicitor about a possession order and restraining order. Do you have a solicitor yet? You could phone Women's Aid and ask if they ever recommend solicitors who understand abuse.
0808 2000 247.
If you have a solicitor and you are not happy with him or her after the initial interview, you can look for another.

Throwing a missile at you is a physical assault. I am sure there are other incidents involving abuse of one kind or another in the last little while that you could cite too.

(I would be pretty sure your P has had more affairs than just this one btw but that's neither here nor there).

There is never a good time to tell the children, no matter what age they are. Chances are, with older DCs, they are well aware of your P's shortcomings and will have bottled up a good deal of anger and frustration over the years. You may well have a rocky time after you tell them - for a good while - as they will be free to unload many emotions on the safe parent. Definitely a time of adjustment all around. Be patient and kind to one another. Offer them counseling if they seem to be having a difficult time processing it all, and processing the past few years when they will have been aware that their father was abusive.

I told my DCs that their father had made many choices that were not compatible with a loving relationship or happy family life.

I would leave him for the abuse alone - let him explain that to his new gf.
See a solicitor, then pack his stuff. Take it to his new gf, and don't forget to thank her profusely for freeing u of this abusive twat.

I wouldn't tell the DCs until you are ready to actually file for divorce. There is no hurry wrt this step.