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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update - back home and it gets worse!

145 replies

Coronade · 14/11/2019 00:26

So we are back from the 2 week family holiday from hell, which on day 4, I discovered partner of 27 yrs was having an affair but I kept it quiet so i didn’t ruin the holiday for our children ( 16 & 20).

Been home a few days and I still haven’t said anything as I want to wait till I’ve seen a solicitor on Friday ( we aren’t married). I’ve discovered he has a list of all the dates he has been on with this woman ( very nice places too and nights away -16 so far and he must have spent a fortune). What kind of arsehole keeps a list of the dates he’s been on with his mistress?!!
I’ve also found out who she is and where she works. She is also married with grown up children. He used to go out with her when he was a teenager. How sweet 🤮
He’s sent her flowers, I know the hotel they stayed at one night and the numerous long phone calls he’s had with her ( supposedly he hates talking on the phone!!).
He’s also adding to the list since we’ve been home as he’s meeting her for a day out this week.

I can’t believe it all really, think I’m in shock. He can lie so easily and so well. I feel like a complete idiot.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/11/2019 06:58

Or not divorce (sorry) - separation, removal of P from home, disposition of finances.

AlwaysCheddar · 14/11/2019 06:58

Make sure you get everything sorted out first and see a solicitor. Even do a big shop of non perishables in case he stops money. He’s a shit.

forumdonkey · 14/11/2019 07:03

Don't worry about your DC's, they might not say but they see how he treats you and given the circumstances they will be supportive of you. They were on the same holiday as you and it won't have gone unnoticed he acted like a complete twat.

You're doing so well holding it all together knowing what you do, but you're definitely doing the right thing keeping your powder dry.

Keep your phone on you and if he becomes angry, dial 999 because they will hear him.

I remember your last thread and feel for you but you're definitely doing the right thing.

Roselilly36 · 14/11/2019 07:08

So sorry OP, it’s a horrible betrayal after so many years together.

My children are of similar ages, I would tell them, unless you are the greatest actress, you won’t be able to keep it from them.

See a solicitor ASAP, to sort out finances.

notapizzaeater · 14/11/2019 07:10

I'd start making a UC credit claim now as a single person or have everything ready to do it as they don't pay straight away in case he stops all the money. Your daughter might be anxious because of the atmosphere at home ? They pick up more than we give them credit for.

Apolloanddaphne · 14/11/2019 07:18

I am sure the children will not be surprised. They must be aware things are far from right at home.

Straycatstrut · 14/11/2019 07:20

I found out whilst on holiday and was crying at the restaurant in front of kids (6 and 2). I was devastated. I wish I'd been like you and been far more composed and in control - you'll massively benefit having everything in motion when he's trying to grovel and lie.

acrazy · 14/11/2019 07:24

Not seen the previous thread. He sounds like an absolute arsehole. How have you managed to find all of this out? He mustn't be bothered about you finding out if you know all of this so easily.. He's obviously not being clever about the cheating. Do you think he wants you to know?
Have you both been unhappy for a while?

Cloverbeauty · 14/11/2019 07:25

Get the legal and money side sorted first. Then change the locks and send the evidence to him and the other tarts husband. That way he knows and the tart doesn't get away with it either.

DoolinEnnis · 14/11/2019 07:37

Get your solicitor sorted, get the locks on the door changed whilst he is out and get this horrific man gone.

Collaborate · 14/11/2019 07:38

As a family lawyer I just wanted to correct something mentioned by an earlier poster. You're not entitled to a "fair share" of joint assets. Fairness doesn't come in to it. You're entitled to what you actually own. Nothing more or less than that.

Whose name is the home in? Sometimes if the property is in one name but the other has put money in to it (eg by paying for improvements or deposit) they may have an interest in it, but paying a £20k deposit on a £400k house doesn't mean you'd necessarily own half of it.

Goldenchildsmum · 14/11/2019 07:39

The priority is not to tell the kids or him, the priority is to make sure you don't get screwed. Don't fill the pool before you build it

This

Telling anyone is irrelevant if you haven't got your ducks quacking

Raisingwildanimals · 14/11/2019 07:44

I have no advice but I just want to say, you are doing really well. I’d never cope as well as you, I don’t know how you’ve managed to keep so calm. You can do this

IdiotInDisguise · 14/11/2019 07:48

Your kids are adults. There is no way to announce a parent is having an affair without damage and there will never be a good time to drop the news, BUT they need to know is happening, otherwise they won’t understand what’s going on and even blame you for the situation.

I would start by telling them that you have found out he is having an affair, and answer the questions they ask, but answer with facts, not emotion/judgemental remarks: if they ask how do you know, say how not “I have been feeling something was amiss for a few months”. If you provide them with facts they can make their own without getting defensive of their dad. It is not the same to say “your dad is a cheating bastard” than “I have found a list of dates he has been having with her, she is married and they are going away for the weekend, for the fourth time, on Friday”.

Best of luck OP, I would like to say that I hope you can sort it but if he is cheating and hurting you throwing objects at you, that is domestic abuse, intimidation and violence. Once you are walking down this path, the only safe way is out.

you have said here is

IdiotInDisguise · 14/11/2019 07:49

Rogue last line in my previous message please ignore

Original poster
Coronade · 14/11/2019 07:51

Thanks everyone for your support.
I’ve been awake all night.
He’s just left for his busy day at work aka having a day out with OW. Just looked in his wardrobe and his designer jumper he bought on holiday has gone!
I’m pretty good at digging for info, it used to be my line of work. It’s hard to cover all your tracks especially if you think your the clever one and your housewife partner is a “retard”. Itemised phone bills are great and the date list is pure gold. If I didn’t know he was having an affair I wouldn’t have found the list and if I had seen it, it doesn’t really give much away. So no I don’t think he is deliberately leaving clues for me to find out.
Have solicitor tomorrow. I’m lucky that I do all the finances and have all the account info he just has his own bank account and doesn’t do internet banking. He still gives me a cheque every month to cover all the costs. That’s my only other hesitation about when to open Pandora’s box as he pays me at the end of each month and if I do it next weekend he might not give me the cheque.

I really can’t guess how he’s going to play it, but I’m not going to be nasty, I just want my fair half and for him to be out of my life. I don’t want to give him any excuse to be horrible.
I thought about telling her husband but have decided against that. It’s not my problem, if she wants to lie and cheat her family that’s her concern. I would only be doing it out of spite and they haven’t done this too me, he has.
I’m hoping the calmer and fairer I am the less of a 💩 he will be. But who knows, I will have to wait and see on that one.
I’m not going to demonise him to the kids, they already know how selfish and horrible he can be. I do want to explain to them that his behaviour isn’t acceptable though. I do not want my daughter to think she has to put up with 💩 when she starts dating, or that his behaviour is normal in a relationship. I want my son to realise that it’s not how you treat someone you are meant to love or at least care a lot about.

But I will stress that he is their father and I will never stop them seeing him and having a relationship with him. They defo won’t want to live with him as he can’t do anything domesticated.
I will let you know how I get on with the solicitor tomorrow.

Today is going to be a long one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Coronade · 14/11/2019 07:55

Just to add property is in joint names 50/50 share. The only thing in his name which I need is my car ( he has a van and car of his own). Unless he is being a total 💩 I don’t think he will take that off me as I won’t be able to get dd to school and work.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 14/11/2019 08:09

Great that the house is in n both names. Hope you get through today ok.

GinderellaByMidnight · 14/11/2019 08:24

Wow! What a woman you are. I too have followed since your previous thread and was wondering how you were getting on. How you managed to keep your cool on holiday I’ll never know. Good luck with the solicitor tomorrow. Flowers

BillHadersNewWife · 14/11/2019 08:32

I’m lucky that I do all the finances and have all the account info he just has his own bank account and doesn’t do internet banking. He still gives me a cheque every month to cover all the costs. That’s my only other hesitation about when to open Pandora’s box as he pays me at the end of each month and if I do it next weekend he might not give me the cheque.

If you do all the finances, pull out the cash to the tune of whatever he normally pays you. But you're going to need more than that and you might end up on Universal Credit if he decides to play hardball.

Court takes ages. Order another bank card...or any bank card. And another cheque book.

Pinkandblueslushpuppy · 14/11/2019 08:33

You are so brave OP! Good luck at the solicitors tomorrow, and please let us know how it goes .

Original poster
Coronade · 14/11/2019 08:42

I know it’s totally irrelevant but it’s bugging me.
Why the hell is he keeping a list of the dates they go on. Just had date and place so looks fairly ambiguous if you don’t know.
I really don’t get the list.
Thoughts anyone? Is it just an ego thing or is he having memory problems and needs to write them down to keep tract of his lies?

OP posts:
raspberryk · 14/11/2019 08:42

Hide the keys/keep them on your person/leave the spares with a friend and get your car moved into your name, have you got proof of who paid for it? Or you could do what I did and said OK both our cars were paid for jointly so I will file for half of the cost of both cars. My XH had the most expensive car and he backed down funnily enough.

raspberryk · 14/11/2019 08:43

Maybe he is trying to break up her marriage and send the list as proof to her DH?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/11/2019 08:51

Your DC will probably be happy that you’re getting away from him and the calm that follows if they are used to him being so horrible to you etc

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