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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I give this guy a chance? I don't know if Im being mean if not.....

111 replies

Leapoffaith00 · 13/11/2019 20:53

As I have been single a while, I have dated lots over the years. I remember how I felt when I first started dating that's why I'm wondering if I should try to understand this guy....
He was married 10 years, split in April.
He hasn't dated at all. So it's very new to him.
Arranged a date and he was very excitable over text, then wanted to chat so I called him. Very excitable.
He then tells me he's been to the hairdressers to tidy up. That's nice, I thought. Then he went and got new trainers and a top. I thought oh wow I wish he hadn't made so much effort, what if we don't hit it off. Then he offered to pick me up. I thought that was kind but I don't know him so thanks but no thanks. Arrived at the date, he got me a cake. I thought it was kind. I went to buy a drink he shouted really loud no you won't. He then kept telling me how excited he was and he's glad I'm having a nice time (I can't remember saying I was but I'm glad he thought I was). He then said are you ok to message in work (I hadn't replied to a message as I was busy). I explained I was busy. He then said he keeps checking his phone to see if i had text, then thought damn when i hadn't. He then asked if I'd like to go on a 2nd date. I was put on the spot so agreed. After the date, by the time I got in my car he had sent a text saying how lovely the date was. Then again when I got home. I woke up in the morning and he'd liked 31 of my pics and requested to follow me on social media. Then sent a text saying he had done that. A day later asked me if my friend at work had asked about him (He wanted to know if I'd mentioned to anyone I was going on a date, I had, my friend in work) and had I told anyone else about him. Then he sent me a gym pic all sweaty asking if I still thought he was attractive. Another selfie today. Also another message saying a week ago we started chatting, a week ago when you came across my pic and thought 'hello' (I hadn't said that, I actually just swiped because he looked quite pleasant). Then another text asking if anyone had asked where we are going on our next date? I told him my mum was babysitting and he then said, I bet you had lots of questions asked. I feel a little overwhelmed by it. I think he is genuine and a nice guy but I feel overwhelmed. Am I being mean by think he is getting on my nerves?

OP posts:
vitadolce2015 · 13/11/2019 21:04

That would be too full on for me...I think I would back slowly away. Trust your instincts.

IceCreamSunday87 · 13/11/2019 21:06

Run

Dizzywizz · 13/11/2019 21:11

Yeah seems full on, bit stressed just reading it!!

RLOU30 · 13/11/2019 21:12

Sprint

ShagMeRiggins · 13/11/2019 21:13

If you’re overwhelmed, you are. There might be plausible reasons for his behaviour, or your reaction, that’s fair enough, but please don’t try to put the responsibility on yourself.

I get the sense you don’t like his behaviour. Honour that feeling.

Timetobegood · 13/11/2019 21:14

I would give him another chance if he calmed down a bit but also if you actually really liked him on the date. No point if you just feel sorry for him.

Cloverbeauty · 13/11/2019 21:16

Maybe ask him to calm down a bit and relax? If he doesn't, run.

LonginesPrime · 13/11/2019 21:19

Then another text asking if anyone had asked where we are going on our next date?

The other stuff would put me off but I would absolutely not go anywhere alone with someone who asked me if I've told anyone else where I'll be!

Hopefully he's just up himself and over-enthusiastic and not an actual murderer though.

Ticklemeelmo · 13/11/2019 21:22

No you aren't being mean, run for the hills! That would drive me up the wall

vitadolce2015 · 13/11/2019 21:26

@LonginesPrime makes a very good point

samb80 · 13/11/2019 21:30

No no no no no!!

namechange4052 · 13/11/2019 21:31

I've been having very similar discussions with friends and colleagues this week, and they have all given very mixed responses about how intense behaviour like this would make them feel. Some think it sounds cute. I personally think it's a massive red flag and suggests that the man has issues with his behaviour and relationships, or is in fact potentially an abuser.

EmmiJay · 13/11/2019 21:32

He sounds like an excited puppy. Its a bit much.

category12 · 13/11/2019 21:35

I'd run a mile Grin. Way too much.

LovemyDDxx · 13/11/2019 21:40

I feel exhausted just reading your post OP! It would put me off!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2019 21:46

Whoa. He's just WHOA. I see two options.

  1. Tell him very clearly that his intensity is putting you off, you think he's a nice guy but he MUST dial back the crazy if you're going to continue to see each other. If he really is a nice guy, he'll listen and do just that. It is possible that he's just very keen on you and due to being out of the game for so long he's over eager.
  1. Run for your life.
sirmione16 · 13/11/2019 21:47

Red flag. He's way too "in" to this already. It's too early for so much, I'd be worried that such strong emotion this way will be reflected if you end things too so be careful. As someone else mentioned, asking if anyone knew you were on a date is weird too. Dodgy, in fact. You must already feel quite uneasy about this man to post. Trust your gut.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2019 21:47

To add...

With number 1, there would be no second chances. If he can't respect your boundaries it's over.

Littlelilacs · 13/11/2019 21:50

Exactly what Aquamarine1029 said.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/11/2019 21:52

Over the top behaviour like that would put me right off. Far too needy and demanding. And also, why are you worried about being mean? Sounds like you feel pressured to meet him, and not too keen. It’s okay not to want to see someone again for ANY reason.

feelinghelplesstoday · 13/11/2019 21:54

Run. Really really fast!!
I couldn't cope with the intensity

thistimelastweek · 13/11/2019 21:54

One more date and he'll be talking about moving in together

Way too invested way too soon.

Not a keeper

user1471504234 · 13/11/2019 21:55

I would definitely run. The trouble with people like this (though he is an extreme example!) is that they decide what they think the ‘relationship’ is before you get the chance to form your own opinion. So anyone sensible will bail out rather than give any more chances just in case it creates more hope/interest from him.
I shut down one like this recently by telling him that I thought we were looking for ‘different levels of involvement’. Fortunately this worked. I just hope in your case that the guy accepts it as he really seems in very deep already!

Janaih · 13/11/2019 21:58

he's not over his marriage split. make a swift exit.

Tolleshunt · 13/11/2019 22:01

Oh god, I would be running. This type often blow cold after a short while of blowing hot, leaving you high and dry. The other possibility is that abusers lovebomb at the beginning. But even if neither of the above is true, and he’s just over-excited, he’s in any case too full-on, over-excited and needy.