Do I give this guy a chance? I don't know if Im being mean if not.....

[Leapoffaith00]

As I have been single a while, I have dated lots over the years. I remember how I felt when I first started dating that's why I'm wondering if I should try to understand this guy....
He was married 10 years, split in April.
He hasn't dated at all. So it's very new to him.
Arranged a date and he was very excitable over text, then wanted to chat so I called him. Very excitable.
He then tells me he's been to the hairdressers to tidy up. That's nice, I thought. Then he went and got new trainers and a top. I thought oh wow I wish he hadn't made so much effort, what if we don't hit it off. Then he offered to pick me up. I thought that was kind but I don't know him so thanks but no thanks. Arrived at the date, he got me a cake. I thought it was kind. I went to buy a drink he shouted really loud no you won't. He then kept telling me how excited he was and he's glad I'm having a nice time (I can't remember saying I was but I'm glad he thought I was). He then said are you ok to message in work (I hadn't replied to a message as I was busy). I explained I was busy. He then said he keeps checking his phone to see if i had text, then thought damn when i hadn't. He then asked if I'd like to go on a 2nd date. I was put on the spot so agreed. After the date, by the time I got in my car he had sent a text saying how lovely the date was. Then again when I got home. I woke up in the morning and he'd liked 31 of my pics and requested to follow me on social media. Then sent a text saying he had done that. A day later asked me if my friend at work had asked about him (He wanted to know if I'd mentioned to anyone I was going on a date, I had, my friend in work) and had I told anyone else about him. Then he sent me a gym pic all sweaty asking if I still thought he was attractive. Another selfie today. Also another message saying a week ago we started chatting, a week ago when you came across my pic and thought 'hello' (I hadn't said that, I actually just swiped because he looked quite pleasant). Then another text asking if anyone had asked where we are going on our next date? I told him my mum was babysitting and he then said, I bet you had lots of questions asked. I feel a little overwhelmed by it. I think he is genuine and a nice guy but I feel overwhelmed. Am I being mean by think he is getting on my nerves?

He sounds hard work and crackers at best.
Could be the thin end of an abusive wedge, or might not be over his marriage break up.
Whichever it is, he needs swerving if for no other reason that you’re uncomfortable.
Also be very aware of your personal safety at home, work and the journeys between if he knows where you live or work.
Not wanting to be dramatic, but you read such awful things.

How old is he? He might also be very anxious - still needs a swerve though.

More red flags than a Communist rally.

I also think he's got stalker potential, so best not to let him get any more involved.

He'll be slobbering all over you in the dark of the cinema.

Why would you even question keeping him on your social media?

He isn't your friend and there is no reason he needs to know what you are doing.

Put yourself first, text him and say I'm sorry I've realised I'm still in love with my ex. apologies. then delete and block.

He hasn't been considerate of your feelings and responses, there is just NO WAY a woman would behave like this. He's not excited, he is arrogant - remember that.

He wants me to tell him, I'm looking forward to seeing him, I have been talking about him. When I told him yes I'd told my friend in work he the followed by saying what did you say. I honestly think he is just over excited.

I wouldn't even call that over excited.

I'd call it needy, very intense, desperate, insecure, anxious and massively over invested. Also v immature.

It doesn't bode well for me, sorry.

He sounds a bit obsessive actually.

He sounds kinda scary tbh. If you don't feel comfortable, I would back out of watching movies with him this weekend and just say you felt unwell.

If you’re already worried about what his reaction will be like if you end it that tells you all you need to know!

Oh no blow him out now. Sounds like a bloke I met. Told me his life story he sent sweaty gym selfies too uggh no.

If you're worried about being mean, how mean is it to keep someone hanging on knowing you don't want a relationship with them because you don't have the bottle to say no? To accept his cinema tickets etc when he could be watching the film with someone who liked him as much as he liked them? Sometimes you really do have to be cruel to be kind.

The above sounds harsh, but if you're more worried about this stranger's feelings than about your own, try looking at it from that perspective! Personally I'd have said no thanks the first time he told me I wasn't allowed to buy myself a drink, but maybe I'm just extra prickly . I find it hard to understand how you have, by your own account, dated often but are somehow finding it extra hard to ditch this one. Surely you've been out before with someone who liked you more than you liked them? How did you get out of it? Just do that!

I have told him the area I live as when we were on a date he asked and asked where I worked. He went through all the hospitals until I answer

Run like the wind, he just kept on pushing you into that corner until you answered didn't he. You can expect him to casually turn up at the hospital you work at with a big bunch of flowers and seeking urgent medical care for his "broken" heart. Some people will swoon at how cute that is, while the battle weary among you knowingly back away slowly towards the exit.

The guy sounds like a big over eager lummox really. He's obviously had no experience of dating and had no idea of how eager/cool you should play it. If you're his first date since his split he's obviously very excited. I wouldn't ghost him but maybe just send him a message and tell him you've been thinking about it and he's a lovely guy, but he's just not for you and you wish him well in his OLD. If he asks why, just tell him that he's just too over eager for you. I had a guy like this, managed about 3 dates because he was so lovely and funny, but I just couldn't cope with him being like a lovesick teenage girl 🤢

Too much. Too fast. Too odd.

I feel bad for the guy but he’s not your problem. Tell him you don’t see it going anywhere. When he asks why, give him the reasons - feedback is good for newbies!

God, he’s a steamroller isn’t he? He sounds utterly exhausting. Insecure, needy, pushy.

Please dump via text, then block him EVERYWHERE.

He's looking for a replacement wife.

On another reading this actually sounds a bit alarming to me. Maybe I'm being cynical and he IS just really excited, but I think I'd be nervous looking back on a conversation where someone repeatedly asked me who I'd told and if I'd told them where we were going, asking where I lived and worked repeatedly until I felt forced to tell them. As other posters have said he does sound quite coercive. There's every chance he just new to dating and is over excited, but isn't there something a bit too stalky about his manner? I'd play it safe and if your gut isn't telling you to go for it, then trust yourself. I wouldn't go on the second date OP, it really doesn't matter re his feelings. Think about it, do you feel happy and excited at the prospect of him trying it on in the cinema? Again, maybe me being cynical but I would have thought that's what he's going to be aiming for, and if it's anything other than a resounding "yeah that sounds great, can't wait to smooch him" then that's going to be a very uncomfortable situation. There are quite a few red flags already 🚩 ... feminine intuition is a powerful tool.

He sounds nuts. Please stop worrying about seeming 'mean'. Woman are always told we need to be 'nice' and that can be to the detriment of our own safety. Fuck nice. Look after yourself, his feelings are irrelevant as his behaviour has already shown that yours are irrelevant to him. It sounds to me like a situation that has the potential to become dangerous. You owe him nothing. Nothing at all.

*women

Sounds like he is nervous and has possible ADHD.

I can behave the same but have worked hard to control the impulsive texts.

Emmaovarey has hit the nail on head, everything she said. Stop worrying about being nice. He's unhinged, block absolutely everywhere, even if you've never spoken on the website/app/social media platform.

He's the type that will message you on Etsy or LinkedIn....trust me, I've been there.

I wouldn't care that I might seem "mean". If I feel overwhelmed then that's it.

Your guy actually reminds me of a batshit, creepy coworker who would hit on me (he knew I'm about to get married!!!!) and asking me out. Jesus. Creepy.

Tell him ASAP, give him the money for your tickets and bbye.

You really need to rethink the 'am I being mean?' thing.

Dating is about YOU finding a person who appeals to YOU.

It's about YOU, you are the important person and the one whose interests you should be looking out for.

You aren't there to provide a service for some random bloke you didn't know existed before last month.

This is, without fail, brought home very starkly when women agonise about causing offence/not being fair to Lovely Enthusiastic Bloke when they decide they're not feeling it or whatever, after spending ages thinking about said bloke's feelings and tying themselves in knots over how to treat him well, they finally politely say thanks but no thanks... and receive a barrage of misogynistic abuse in return. Yeah. Lovely Bloke - not.

Look after number 1.