Do I give this guy a chance? I don't know if Im being mean if not.....

[Leapoffaith00]

As I have been single a while, I have dated lots over the years. I remember how I felt when I first started dating that's why I'm wondering if I should try to understand this guy....
He was married 10 years, split in April.
He hasn't dated at all. So it's very new to him.
Arranged a date and he was very excitable over text, then wanted to chat so I called him. Very excitable.
He then tells me he's been to the hairdressers to tidy up. That's nice, I thought. Then he went and got new trainers and a top. I thought oh wow I wish he hadn't made so much effort, what if we don't hit it off. Then he offered to pick me up. I thought that was kind but I don't know him so thanks but no thanks. Arrived at the date, he got me a cake. I thought it was kind. I went to buy a drink he shouted really loud no you won't. He then kept telling me how excited he was and he's glad I'm having a nice time (I can't remember saying I was but I'm glad he thought I was). He then said are you ok to message in work (I hadn't replied to a message as I was busy). I explained I was busy. He then said he keeps checking his phone to see if i had text, then thought damn when i hadn't. He then asked if I'd like to go on a 2nd date. I was put on the spot so agreed. After the date, by the time I got in my car he had sent a text saying how lovely the date was. Then again when I got home. I woke up in the morning and he'd liked 31 of my pics and requested to follow me on social media. Then sent a text saying he had done that. A day later asked me if my friend at work had asked about him (He wanted to know if I'd mentioned to anyone I was going on a date, I had, my friend in work) and had I told anyone else about him. Then he sent me a gym pic all sweaty asking if I still thought he was attractive. Another selfie today. Also another message saying a week ago we started chatting, a week ago when you came across my pic and thought 'hello' (I hadn't said that, I actually just swiped because he looked quite pleasant). Then another text asking if anyone had asked where we are going on our next date? I told him my mum was babysitting and he then said, I bet you had lots of questions asked. I feel a little overwhelmed by it. I think he is genuine and a nice guy but I feel overwhelmed. Am I being mean by think he is getting on my nerves?

This is why you need to tell him that you seem to want different levels of involvement. It’s honest and to the point.
Even if his actions stem from genuine feelings and excitement, it’s a red flag that he doesn’t realise how he is coming across, he hasn’t considered how his behaviour might make you feel, and doesn’t know how to act ‘normally’.
I understand you might feel bad if he did seem like a nice guy but his behaviour is far from normal and it’s unlikely this will be his only odd trait!

Someone who can’t regulate his tests steroid when excited might also not b able to regulate it when unhappy or out of control ...

Regulate his Testosterone*

"I had a nice time on our date, but the spark isn't there for me. You might want to dial down the intensity next time you meet someone- it's a bit overwhelming. Good luck though!"

I would have done a runner during the first date. He sounds like a total nightmare. Avoid.

Fully agree that he has not considered how his behaviour makes you feel.
Going though and liking one or two photos, sure, liking 31 is just odd.
How old is he if I may ask ? I'm not going to lie, I would find this OTT. You are not being mean, it's absolutely your right to not want to see him again, you don't owe him another date.

There is no way I would go on a second date after that. Let him down in a nice way and move on. It doesn't sound like you found him attractive so the second date would just be a pity date anyway? Don't do it to yourself!

Also be prepared for him to take rejection very badly (which is not on you at all) and make sure he has no information about where you live and work or any way of getting back in touch.

Noooo, don't continue this. I also agree with the pp who said this lack of control may well be an issue when he's unhappy/angry. At best he's self absorbed and lacking social awareness. Is there any point in continuing this? It will only get harder to get out of. By the end of the next date I'm certain he's going to assume you are an item

I did accept him on social media. I don't usually. He asked me to look at his Facebook pic and asked a few times. It all happened in a short space of time, where he was messaging asking to chat. I sensed he was very excitable and new to this. I should have said it's too early and social media is personal.
Thankyou for your advice here. You're right I don't owe him anything. However he sent me a pic of the bought tickets lastnight. Along with a message asking me to go Christmas shopping with him.
I will tell him today. Do I delete him off my social media too? I know it sounds silly but I feel a bit creeped out and if I delete him he might get a little upset. I have told him the area I live as when we were on a date he asked and asked where I worked. He went through all the hospitals until I answer. This all sounds creepy typing this but it was genuine chit chat. However I'm feeling a little overwhelmed just typing it as I have read all your messages and my instinct was right.

If it makes you feel better to delete him, do so. What tickets has he bought ? Unless he had your prior agreement, that seems kind of like pressuring you to go on another date 'oh i've paid for the tickets now so she can't say no.'
Good luck, you will feel better once it's done and I hope he will leave you alone after that.

Again, unless he has already discussed buying tickets with you, you don't have to go, even if he has bought them without checking with you first.

Was his wife his only girlfriend, or did they get together quite young?

I think you're right and that he's just excited and overbearing but also think you're right to trust your gut.

Maybe give him some constructive feedback so he doesn't do the same to someone else!

Of course you must delete him from social media. You aren't friends and you aren't going to stay in touch so why wouldn't you?
It would be kind to give him some feedback about how his behaviour has made you feel and why you don't want to date him. He's going to have a really disappointing time if he carries on like this.

Cinema tickets. He did ask if I wanted to go. I did say ok. He asked me 3 times yesterday as he needed to book them in case they sold out. I just agreed. Up until now, I was unsure. I posted lastnight and now after posting and writing it down, I can see this is too suffocating. It all just happened. I was giving the opportunity to calm down by not responding too much and not validating his messages.
Reading posts here, I can see a little clearly.

Wow he's totally OTT. I have never ghosted anyone in my life but I would be tempted too after a short message to him. Delete him off your social media.

Ask him for his PayPal to pay him back for the tickets if you feel bad about that

Oh god, he has no boundaries and no self awareness. He also sounds a little narcissistic, constantly asking what people think of him. Is he very young? I dated a 21 year old like this when I was thirty and it made me feel so old and tired. He’d gone no-contact with his family and saw me as his new family. The dependence was smothering.

Send him a nice ‘no thanks’ message and then block and delete him from social media.

It’s all just too ... creepy.

He sounds like Tigger gone mental.

My read on this would be that he's still reeling from a perceived rejection from his marriage, and is over-compensating in weird ways. They were married a decade (presumably together longer) and he's only been split for six months. That isn't very long. All that stuff about haircuts, new tops, gym selfies... he feels 'unseen' and this has made him determined to demonstrate that he is a catch. It suggests narcissism actually; "you must like meeeee".

I think your gut is right, throw this one back. He's made too many attempts to inveigle himself into your life too soon, and he's unaware (or doesn't care) that you might be feeling uncomfortable.

GHOST HIM

Do it now.

Delete and block on everything. He will know why. this is total abuser territory. He thinks he has you hooked and he is love-bombing to the max. People are saying it is sweet and cute because Hollywood tells us this kind of thing means True Love, when in reality it means he is in love with a fantasy. You might as well be a blow up doll for all he cares.

Then when he has you hooked, the controlling will start. He has already used guilt and your niceness (that he has gauged by seeing you didn't run a mile with his OTT behaviour like healthy people would) to control you into dates you don't want. Now he is using cinema tickets to control you. So far it has worked - imagine how you will be when he REALLY ramps it up?

Men who are OTT like this are just the other side of the Emotionally Unavailable Coin. They are the 'hot and cold' masters. The ones who get you addicted to their attention. If I had a penny for every story of 'I didn't even like him at the start, but he won me over with his persistence and professions of love', I've have about a hundred pounds.

Get out and get out now.

He sounds like a guy I met through OLD. We had arranged to go for coffee and he was messaging and telling me that your can choose what jumper I wear' and 'which aftershave?'. When we met he was also very full on and like the Duracell bunny, never shut up or took a breath. I ran like the wind. (I have to say I wonder if it's the same guy 😂)

Hopefully he does not know where you live.

I would honestly draw a line under this now as fast as you can. It is way too much, he has no boundaries and he will not respect yours (and you will be forever telling him how to and it will exhaust you). You are already spending too much time trying to make sense of his behaviour.

Honestly, this is unhinged behaviour.

Delete and block immediately. Don’t give him any way of contacting you. He sounds like bonkers stalker material and it’ll only get worse.

I dated someone like him and it took weeks to get rid. Honestly, he won’t get any better. Run, now.

I just read your posts again - you are already worried about him being upset if you delete/block him on social media. That is how control starts. Honestly, I have been there. Do not do this to yourself. Just walk away and keep walking.

I’m sure lots of us have been in the situation of keep checking our phone for a text and had that lovely flutter when we get one BUT we don’t tell the other person we are doing it and we certainly don’t ask if we’ve been talking about them with friends !

At best he’s just very excited at worst he’s going to be clingy and overbearing.