Do I give this guy a chance? I don't know if Im being mean if not.....

[Leapoffaith00]

As I have been single a while, I have dated lots over the years. I remember how I felt when I first started dating that's why I'm wondering if I should try to understand this guy....
He was married 10 years, split in April.
He hasn't dated at all. So it's very new to him.
Arranged a date and he was very excitable over text, then wanted to chat so I called him. Very excitable.
He then tells me he's been to the hairdressers to tidy up. That's nice, I thought. Then he went and got new trainers and a top. I thought oh wow I wish he hadn't made so much effort, what if we don't hit it off. Then he offered to pick me up. I thought that was kind but I don't know him so thanks but no thanks. Arrived at the date, he got me a cake. I thought it was kind. I went to buy a drink he shouted really loud no you won't. He then kept telling me how excited he was and he's glad I'm having a nice time (I can't remember saying I was but I'm glad he thought I was). He then said are you ok to message in work (I hadn't replied to a message as I was busy). I explained I was busy. He then said he keeps checking his phone to see if i had text, then thought damn when i hadn't. He then asked if I'd like to go on a 2nd date. I was put on the spot so agreed. After the date, by the time I got in my car he had sent a text saying how lovely the date was. Then again when I got home. I woke up in the morning and he'd liked 31 of my pics and requested to follow me on social media. Then sent a text saying he had done that. A day later asked me if my friend at work had asked about him (He wanted to know if I'd mentioned to anyone I was going on a date, I had, my friend in work) and had I told anyone else about him. Then he sent me a gym pic all sweaty asking if I still thought he was attractive. Another selfie today. Also another message saying a week ago we started chatting, a week ago when you came across my pic and thought 'hello' (I hadn't said that, I actually just swiped because he looked quite pleasant). Then another text asking if anyone had asked where we are going on our next date? I told him my mum was babysitting and he then said, I bet you had lots of questions asked. I feel a little overwhelmed by it. I think he is genuine and a nice guy but I feel overwhelmed. Am I being mean by think he is getting on my nerves?

I went out with a guy a bit like this. Not anywhere near as crazy as this but he did text me a lot after our first date and I felt a bit overwhelmed. I think it was because I wasn't used to having some attention and I felt he was coming on a bit strong. 8 years later we're happily married with DC!

Your situation does sound very intense though. I would have a conversation with him, give him one opportunity to rein it in a bit and then make a decision at that point.

Avoid!
Being newly single/not having dated for many years is no excuse for being so annoying!

Thankyou everyone.
The thing is - if I tell him to calm down or change his way, I feel like I'm telling him to be something he's not. People always tell me, the right person will accept you as you are.
I gave him a few opportunities to calm down. I don't validate his messages because I shouldn't have to after one date. I have already told him it takes a few dates to see if there is potential. That's what is off putting, him needing validation. He wants me to tell him, I'm looking forward to seeing him, I have been talking about him. When I told him yes I'd told my friend in work he the followed by saying what did you say. I honestly think he is just over excited. If he would just calm down I think I could see how things went. It's difficult to tell him in a nice way.
What I really want to say is - at this stage, I don't feel anything, I haven't spoken to anyone about you because it's early days, I don't want to say I find you attractive as I'm not sure yet (attraction to me is how someone makes you feel), I'm not excited to see you as I have met you once, I don't want to message throughout the day as I have a busy job, and I find it a little creepy you liking my pics from years ago up to date. That all sounds mean!
I tried to back off to give myself some space. Arranged to see him Sunday and he has paid for tickets now.
There is no in between - they're either emotionally unavailable or over the top!

You are definitely NOT being mean! He has serious boundary issues and I think most people would feel overwhelmed by it. Toy don't fancy him, his behaviour is irritating and overwhelming so it's only prolonging the inevitable if you have another date. He probably isn't the sort of person to take hints so you need to be very clear about what you not wanting to see him again if that's what you decide.

Stifling and weird. Get rid, asap!

I'm quite intense and keen and can fall quickly but I'm also aware of people's boundaries and I wouldn't behave like this.

Really the answer is if you don't like this or like him I'd call it off. You could try telling him to chill a bit if you think there's potential but it doesn't sound to me like you do. Don't date him because you feel bad!

You haven’t said anything at all that even remotely hints that you actually enjoyed spending time with him. I’d bail. Now.

Also if he's getting on your nerves now imagine how annoying he'll be in 10 years time! The beginning should be when you think they're wonderful.

Don't feel you have to see him, even if he has bought tickets. He's making you uncomfortable, listen to that.

He sounds too full on. Don't accept friend request. Reply less and less to texts.

Just tell him he’s being too full on and it’s putting you off. Then see if he can ramp it down. If he can’t then bin. Just reading your post stressed me out.

Thing is, I get massively excited when I meet someone new/go on first dates, but because I have social skills and boundaries I do not burden the other person with it

The fact that he has not picked up on your cues that you are uncomfortable is the issue - he is not trying to read you, it’s all about him, him, him. Very unattractive.

Good god!!! I wouldn’t be going out with him on Sunday. It might seem like shooting a puppy between the eyes but seriously!!!!

I feel claustrophobic just reading that.

I didn’t even get past the bit about the cake - I would not be able to deal with that.

That would be far too much for me.

Nope.

Oh god no, he sounds creepy. Asking what you’ve been telling people about him? Nah, no way. He’ll be tracking your every move and wanting to know about your every conversation soon, and if someone asked me if I’d told anyone where I’ going I’d be backing away very quickly.

Fuck that OP, tell him you’ve changed your mind and you don’t want to see him again. He’ll be back on Tinder within the hour.

Ruuuunnnnn!!!!

Seriously, knock this "I feel mean" crap on the head right now (that's a direct order OP, ).

You do not owe anyone anything beyond basic politeness.

So if a date doesn't do it for you, you should not be afraid to knock them back with a "thanks for coming, but I'm afraid I don't think this is what I'm looking for" (you don't actually have to say "your halitosis and complete personality vacuum was a turn-off", but you don't have to date them a second time just to be nice).

Sorry to shout, but...

NO ONE IS OWED A SECOND DATE.

NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO YOUR PRECIOUS TIME.

YOU DATE WHO YOU WANT FOR YOUR SAKE, NOT FOR THEIRS.

Not mean.

Also, that’s not ‘intense’, that’s like being knocked over repeatedly by a particularly needy Labrador puppy.

I think he sounds creepy and inappropriate. He is far too pushy and the social media stuff is really invasive for so early on.

Please don't go on the date because of a feeling of obligation. That's not safe behaviour.

You find him annoying that is a massive red flag after such a short time

I assume you accept his social media request, for him to like your pics.
Don’t feel the need to do this again (unless you want to, of course!)
And feel free to unfollow / defriend him. You barely know him.

Back to your OP. He just sounds far too OTT, giddy and needy. I couldn’t be arsed with that.

I feel massively overwhelmed on your behalf OP. I'd find all if that creepy if I'm honest. Trust your gut. You posted for a reason x

Run for the hills. Can you imagine what he'd be like the first time you had sex? bleugh

I feel creeped out on your behalf.
That kind of behaviour is totally not normal.

Personally I would back out now. If he's like that after 1-2 dates, how is he going to be after 1-2 years?
"Do you love me? Are you sure you love me? Have you told anyone you love me? What did you say? What did they say? Am I attractive? Am I still attractive???? HAVE YOU TOLD EVERYONE THAT I'M ATTRACTIVE????"