Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trigger warning - something happened last night

110 replies

Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 20:49

And my head is in a mess. Something that started out as consensual (kissing) went wrong and I can't make sense of it...
He wanted to take it further, but I didn't as no condoms. I tried to push him away. I told him no, I told him I didn't want to, I told him to stop. But he didn't, not until he was inside me. He thinks that fine because he didn't finish. Said we didn't have sex, it was just penetration. And something that made zero sense about differences in how/why you say no. I feel numb and confused. And hurt because I trusted him

OP posts:
Original poster
Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 20:51

I should say that this wasn't my ex partner, but someone I have known a couple of years

OP posts:
ClemDanFango · 13/11/2019 20:54

There is no grey area when you say no to sex. Anyone who has any kind of sex with you against your will is committing a rape.
He is a rapist and you had the right to say no and expect him to stop immediately, do you have anyone you can speak to for support in rl? You can also contact rape crisis, if you want to report this to the police you would be very justified in doing so. Flowers

vitadolce2015 · 13/11/2019 20:55

This is awful OP. Go to the police and report him. Thanks I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Redspider1 · 13/11/2019 20:58

It’s not right. You said no, you said you didn’t want to and he carried on. Are you saying he physically forced his way in or did you carry on physically too?

Redspider1 · 13/11/2019 21:00

Sorry op my post sounds wrong and I don’t mean to suggest you weren’t clear. You say you tried to push him away, you said know and he carried on. It’s rape.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 21:01

I spoke to a friend earlier but I don't think it went to well. Ended up feeling like I was being silly.
I'm so confused as he has always been a good friend to me so I feel really guilty for feeling that he raped me. I can't go to the police as I have been raped before and made the mistake of reporting. Feeling totally stupid and ashamed that it has happened again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 21:04

Feel like I must have it wrong somehow. It can't be rape because I must be over reacting or misunderstanding

OP posts:
ltk · 13/11/2019 21:06

Whether or not you go to the police (and I totally understand your reasoning), you need to be clear about this is your own head: he raped you.

You don't 'feel' that he raped you. He did.

He is not a good friend. He is a rapist.

You need lots of support and love and affection. You sound great op. Who can you turn to for support?

vitadolce2015 · 13/11/2019 21:08

You're not overreacting. You told him no and he forced himself in. OP I would seek out some counselling and I know it's difficult but if he thinks that sort of behaviour is acceptable he needs to be reported. This isn't in any way your fault.

ltk · 13/11/2019 21:09

The victim of a rape cannot be guilty of it. The rapist is guilty.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 21:14

I don't feel many people in real life would believe me because it's not the first time. I thought I if it was I would have an easier time of believing it myself

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 21:15

That's rape.

I'm so sorry it didn't go well when you reported a rape/sexual assault in the past. It may not go that way this time but it's fully understandable why you wouldn't want to try to report again (or at all, even if that hadn't happened).

He didn't 'finish' so it's not sex and it's not rape ... He really lives in a land of delusion, doesn't he. He penetrated you without your consent and participation, he's a rapist, he can tell himself whatever he needs to in order to sleep at night and go on thinking he's a decent guy.
Rapists come in many forms, pushy, coercive, won't hear no, naggy, harassing, manipulative, chancer rapists who know you are just as much rapists as violent strangers.

They'll never believe that though so don't bother debating it with him.

Tell.him in no uncertain terms that he penetrated you without your consent and he can say whatever he likes, you'll never be in contact with him again.
He won't accept or admit it (though he'll have that little nagging worry that you'll report him) but who cares.

So sorry this happened. Your other "friend" is also an idiot.

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 21:19

I don't feel many people in real life would believe me because it's not the first time

We then they're foolish because I know how many rapists/sexual.assaulters etc of all flavours myself and my female friends, relatives and acquaintances have come across and it's frightening many, it's common.

Plus if the woman telling me seemed like a sweet, nice, compliant, maybe even vulnerable person I'd think they zeroed in on her; ax they do. Predators act like predators.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 21:19

He wants a relationship with me. He thinks everything is fine and dandy. Basically told me at the time I was being a drama queen and laughed it off as I was getting quite frantic in my attempts to stop him

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 21:20

*Well

SimpleAndPlanned · 13/11/2019 21:20

That is rape.

Fuck him. You are not a drama queen.

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 21:25

He thinks everything is fine and dandy. Basically told me at the time I was being a drama queen and laughed it off as I was getting quite frantic in my attempts to stop him

I'm sure that would suit him very well if you went along with pretending he didn't rape you as well.
He may really want a relationship - in which case he's be one if the worst people you could ever get into one with ... Or it may be a ploy to cover up what happened; after all if you are/become partners, how could it have been rape. It does to have to be for long - just so that he can say "what? She kept on seeing me, we got into a relationship, what woman would do that if she'd been raped. She's bitter now we've broken up and us making up stories/mud slinging" etc

Bodear · 13/11/2019 21:27

OP I just want to be another voice to say that was rape. He is not a nice man. He is not your friend. He is not safe to have a relationship with and you are in no way obligated to continue seeing him or being nice to him.
I hope you have someone kind and sensible in rl to confide in x

GenuineKlatchianPottery · 13/11/2019 21:27

He’s not a friend. He’s a rapist!
You are not at fault in any way Flowers
I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 21:27

*he'd be
*Doesn't have to be for long

Whether you ever report to police or not, you should probably get some help and advice from qualified folks .. is it rape crisis? Can any posters advise on the kindest and most knowledgeable people op might speak to?

Original poster
Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 21:30

I'm so stupid. He is pushy by nature, so I never wanted a relationship in the past but I'm obviously more vulnerable than I thought for considering it now and ignoring all my past reasoning about why it wasn't a good idea. At least now I know my instinct was right, but I wish it hadn't been confirmed like that 😪

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 13/11/2019 21:30

oh OP yes please go to rape crisis

And your friend is not a friend either who made you doubt yourself

category12 · 13/11/2019 21:31

Please speak to Rape Crisis when you can rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/

You are not being silly, and this is not OK.

angell84 · 13/11/2019 21:32

It is rape.

And how you are feeling is normal - you are shock.

When I told my mum that a man raped me. I said to her "please don't say to him, that I said he raped me". I felt guilty about saying it.

It is normal - you are in shock, you go into denial, and you start to tell yourself that it wasn't rape - blame yourself etc

It was rape. If you want to go to the police - do that.
If you do not want to go to the police - you do not have to.

However I would very much say - stay away from this man.
Give yourself time to heal. Dedicate time to healing. I did EFT - it is great.

Don't think because you were raped before - that no one would believe you. I know many women that have been raped more than once. Sadly, it is the world that we live in today. There is alot of violence happening.

I send you a big hug

ChuckleBuckles · 13/11/2019 21:33

don't feel many people in real life would believe me because it's not the first time

I believe you OP, 100%. Whatever you decide to do (report, or not) please reach out to a support service in your area to help you through this, and have nothing to do with this scumbag of a man ever again.

Please take care of yourself Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread