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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trigger warning - something happened last night

110 replies

Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 20:49

And my head is in a mess. Something that started out as consensual (kissing) went wrong and I can't make sense of it...
He wanted to take it further, but I didn't as no condoms. I tried to push him away. I told him no, I told him I didn't want to, I told him to stop. But he didn't, not until he was inside me. He thinks that fine because he didn't finish. Said we didn't have sex, it was just penetration. And something that made zero sense about differences in how/why you say no. I feel numb and confused. And hurt because I trusted him

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isitxmasyet · 13/11/2019 21:34

So sorry OP
He did rape you
And the fact that has happened to you before is because there are other rapists about not because you did anything wrong

We all believe you and it sounds like it was a horrible situation not least during it but after when he belittled and mocked you

Tell him what he did was rape and don’t engage in anymore discussion about it with him.
Get some support from agencies like rape crisis. Whether or not you report him is a choice you can make but it doesn’t at all change the fact you said no and he carried on- that’s rape.

YabaDabaBoo · 13/11/2019 21:37

I also believe you. This was rape. You said no, several times, and he ignored it. It’s irrelevant that he didn’t finish. He put his penis inside you when you told him you didn’t want him to.

Regardless of your past, you need to report this. Do not let anyone tell you you’re overreacting.

Look after yourself

AnotherEmma · 13/11/2019 21:38

I am so sorry, OP.
It was definitely rape Sad Flowers

Please do call Rape Crisis or local equivalent.

You might also consider going to a SARC (sexual assault referral centre), they can collect evidence in case you later decide to report - but there is no obligation to report. You can also get medical treatment there if you need it. (MAP, STI screening etc.)

Flowers
Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 21:42

Thank you everyone. After it happened he let me listen to his results from the secusk health clinic from 4 weeks ago. That put my mind at rest but didn't negate what he had hist done. He then said I couldn't get pregnant as no pre cum. No idea how he is so sure about that. I think I need to get the morning after pill to make sure. Does anyone know if I can take that while I'm breastfeeding?

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AnotherEmma · 13/11/2019 21:44

Yes you can take MAP when breastfeeding. See www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/wp-content/dibm/2019-09/Emergency%20hormonal%20contraception%20and%20Breastfeeding.pdf

Redspider1 · 13/11/2019 21:45

You were not being a drama queen. Be clear in your head that you are not at fault. He is guilty and trying to admonish himself. I’m sorry.

Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 21:47

Thank you

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DerbyshireGirly · 13/11/2019 21:48

I'm so sorry OP. You did nothing to cause this. You did nothing to deserve it. This is all on him.

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 21:49

He then said I couldn't get pregnant as no pre cum. No idea how he is so sure about that.

I doubt he could be - I doubt a man would feel a small amount of pre- ejaculate seeping out (?)

He's just generally full of absolute shit.

If he didn't ejaculate if is unlikely you'd become pregnant but not impossible so best to take map.

(Apparently some men tend to have live sperm in pre ejaculate, some not- but you'd not know without looking under a microscope).

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 21:51

Also behaviour and "values" like his very rarely suddenly come out if nowhere; I'd out money on him having done similar before, I'd put money on him having been sexually coercive before (nice term for being a fkg rapist eh).

Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 21:51

I still can't believe it actually happened. If I didn't have a baby I would consider going to a SARC incase I want to report at a later date. Though the police told me before that the evidence is often not used as they claim that the sex was consensual rather than non existent

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Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 21:53

I think you are right. He was very confident in what he was doing. My frantic pleas didn't phase him.at all.

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Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 21:54

You were not being a drama queen.

Have a feeling he'd become a bit if a "drama queen" himself if a man kept trying to, and succeeded in penetrating against his will. What a gas lighting, manipulative horror of a "man".

PlinkPlink · 13/11/2019 21:54

Hello lovely,

Firstly, stop blaming yourself.
You will do but try and stop thinking that way. This is not your fault at all. I hate the way things like this always make us feel like we were the ones in the wrong. You aren't at all. You are allowed to kiss someone and expect it to stop as soon as you say 'no'. Even if you hadn't said 'stop', silence does not equate to permission in any way, shape or form.

Secondly, get yourself to your local rape crisis centre. When I was assaulted, I reported to the police and they put me in touch with my local Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling service. I was down in Cornwall at the time so their acronym was CRASAC. Wherever you are, you will most likely have something similar.

The first time I used them it was more as a way to piece together the fuzziness of my brain. It was such a jumble. All I know is I felt fucking awful and I needed help. The second time, I used them a few years later after a mental breakdown because i hadn't fully dealt with some guilt i had about the incident. I'd basically tried to shove it under the carpet and ignore it. So it started seeping into my everyday life without me even realising.

I want to reassure you that you did NOTHING wrong. You could have walked up to him with no clothes and he'd still have NO RIGHT to touch you the way he did.
You will feel pretty lonely. I know I did. My friends, even my good ones, didnt know what the hell to say so unless they had been through something similar, they weren't all that great a comfort.

Please dont rule out the police yet. Even if you just do a video interview and get it on the police records. You could potentially be helping someone in the long run. My case never went to trial. Not enough evidence for CPS to go forward. But it's there, permanently in the police files for them to find. And if that fucker ever makes that mistake again (which he inevitably will), I know I will have done my part.

You are going to be thinking about this lots. It's going to consume you for a while. Hold on to the fact that you will start to heal. I promise you. It doesnt feel like this can ever heal but it will. Talk to the counselling service. Try and make some sense out of it. Eventually you will move from feeling helpless to feeling angry and pissed off. This will take time.

I am sending you so many hugs through this message. You are incredibly strong and one day you will see you are not a victim. You are a survivor.

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 21:58

I think you are right. He was very confident in what he was doing. My frantic pleas didn't phase him.at all.

That's disturbing to read as a third party, I can't imagine how you must have felt, and feel. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

And you're a relatively recent mum too, that's stressful in itself.

I hope you report, but fully understand why you may not.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/11/2019 21:58

Im sorry OP. He raped you.

I'm not in a position to support right now but I hope you can get some suopiortive friends/family around and get this useless fucker out of your life forveer.

Mummaofmytribe · 13/11/2019 22:06

You were raped. NOT your fault. Please get support. Google rape crisis in your area and see what comes up. You need and deserve proper support. You put your trust in someone who turned out to be a predator- that's on him, not you.
Please research help now. Especially if you have less than intelligent friends who are gonna minimise this and not understand.
I really wish you every strength. I've been there. It's bloody awful.

Interestedwoman · 13/11/2019 22:08

That is rape. You said no and tried to stop it.

I know what you mean as I reported twice to the police, but try not to expect any outcome and then it's fairly ok. If you report it it'll at least be on file, so if any other woman reports him in future, it'll be in her favour. You never know, there might even be something on file about him already.

Don't feel too bad that you ignored your instincts. We all have vulnerable times of various kinds, or we can have no idea the bloke was even worse than we thought.

So sorry this happened to you :( xxxxx

iamclaireandfleabag · 13/11/2019 22:17

I haven't read the full thread but you can go to your local SARC (sexual assault referral centre) - every area has one. You can be seen as a a self referral so no police involvement and you can be anonymous if you want (a code will be allocated to cross reference at a later date). You can get emergency contraception, health care and the option of forensic examination for injuries and dna to be stored and recorded for up to seven years. You can give the doctor or nurse a first account of the incident while it's fresh in your mind. You can referral onto further health care and support/counselling or ISVA input. It was rape. My any interpretation of the law it was rape. Go to your local SARC, you will be supported, you will be believed, you will get care. Message me if you want more tailored advice but just put a message in her first so I know to log on on my lap top and the app doesn't let me know if I've got a DM.

JK1773 · 13/11/2019 22:32

I believe you. I hope you have some real life support. This is his fault, not yours. You said no, you described yourself as frantic.
You will question this in your mind a lot but you know (know!!!!) that you’d told him no and that is therefore rape. Don’t doubt yourself for one minute.
I understand your reluctance to report this. I really truly do. That is your personal choice. You need to live and recover from your decision whatever you decide to do.
All I’d say is if he tried to dismiss this you make sure he knows what he did to you. Don’t let him make excuses. He raped you. He’s a rapist.
You take care of yourself. Try not to blame yourself (I know it’s hard). Be kind to yourself Flowers

Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 22:34

Thank you everyone. I must admit that I'm really struggling to accept that this has happened. Too much for me right now

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Bluefargo · 13/11/2019 22:46

He sounds quite frightening and like it was a terrifying experience. I believe you.

Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 22:52

Yes, i was frightened 😞

He just tried calling me and had messages me. I've replied saying I'm upset about last night. He replied saying 'I thought we talked about this'

Worried I will loose a friend but I guess I already did 😪

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Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 23:44

Well, he has sent me a message completely re-writing what actually happened. Says I didn't tell him no or stop beforehand but also has apologised twice

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