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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trigger warning - something happened last night

110 replies

Paulettepink · 13/11/2019 20:49

And my head is in a mess. Something that started out as consensual (kissing) went wrong and I can't make sense of it...
He wanted to take it further, but I didn't as no condoms. I tried to push him away. I told him no, I told him I didn't want to, I told him to stop. But he didn't, not until he was inside me. He thinks that fine because he didn't finish. Said we didn't have sex, it was just penetration. And something that made zero sense about differences in how/why you say no. I feel numb and confused. And hurt because I trusted him

OP posts:

firesong · 13/11/2019 23:50

Because he's worried you are going to report him.

You don't have to respond to him at all.

FenellaVelour · 13/11/2019 23:55

I’m so sorry OP, he raped you
And he’s certainly not a friend.
Please look after yourself, and go to the SARC if you feel strong enough, Rape Crisis will help you too so you are not alone with this.

Secretbadlife · 14/11/2019 00:00

That's awful. Why isn't it possible to be raped twice? You can be unlucky enough to have anything happen to you twice. You might simply be a more vulnerable person for many different reasons. Do you think the fact that he's usually a good friend is clouding your judgement?

Secretbadlife · 14/11/2019 00:04

Friends don't do that. If you accept him as a friend then he may attempt this again which isn't your fault. It's all his. No means no.

PlinkPlink · 14/11/2019 00:08

I think you need to not contact him as tempting as it is.

All he will do is confuse things even further and possibly try to take advantage even more; Re-write things like he's already doing and use that a basis to keep doing it.

I hate to say this but he was never your friend. He was never truly your friend because he kept this side of him hidden and that unfortunately, is his true self. The friend you thought you had was an act.

I found that hard to come to terms with aswell. I got on so well with my attacker, it confused the fuck out of me as to why he did it. It's because he never saw me as a friend. He saw me as an object. The more time passes and more I remember about what people said to me about him, the more I realise I was just one of those people who he used and abused. The only way he knew how to treat people was through objectification and I actually now feel sorry for the man that he leads a less than human existence.

I would also like to say very strongly, in the face of him twisting what happened, I believe you . I believe this happened to you. I believe every word you say. I believe you were 100% not at fault.

The only reason someone rapes someone? Because they're a rapist. Plain and simple. You didn't lead him on. You were clear and said no multiple times. He's a rapist and he will say anything to make it your fault, make you blame yourself, make you feel guilt and then he'll do it again. Please cut contact with him.

Your head is going to be fuzzy for a while so try to take it easy on yourself.

IdiotInDisguise · 14/11/2019 00:08

What friend would you be loosing? He is NOT a friend. I understand why you don’t want to report him but you need to stop engaging with him pronto and stay well away straight on.

Original poster

Paulettepink · 14/11/2019 00:18

Secretbadlife yes I think it is clouding my judgement and he is a very strong character so it is easy to be kind of bulldozed by him.

But I remember what happened. I remember him explaining why we didnt need a condom, I remember the panic, the realisation it was going to happen anyway, how heavy he felt when I tried to push him away, I remember crying and getting all shaky, I remember him laughing it off. I remember it all.

OP posts:

Contraceptionismyfriend · 14/11/2019 00:19

I am so so sorry. He raped you. He isn't a friend. He's a rapist. An abuser and he used your friendship to hurt you.

There are a number of charities that can support you if you have no one in real life.
Women's aid and rape crisis.

You can also call the police and report him.

Please do not fell like you owe him anything. He is not a friend. You don't have to justify or defend yourself. You don't a have to answer him.

Original poster

Paulettepink · 14/11/2019 00:23

Thank you everyone. I needed to hear that as I'm starting to doubt my own judgement again

OP posts:

Contraceptionismyfriend · 14/11/2019 00:26

You've suffered a serious trauma. Doubt is normal but please get support in real life

Apileofballyhoo · 14/11/2019 00:28

I'm so sorry this happened to you. He's not and was never a friend. Friends do not rape their friends. He's a rapist and he raped you. You said stop and he didn't stop. I'm so sorry. I hope you get the help and support you need in real life from some of the places previous posters have suggested. I'm so so sorry OP.

category12 · 14/11/2019 06:04

Text him something like "You're a liar and a rapist, stay the hell away from me and do not contact me again".

He's done this before, I reckon. He relies on his forceful personality and blatant rewriting of the facts to bully into silence and get his way.

I hope you feel able to speak to someone at Rape Crisis, op, and get yourself some support.

ukgift2016 · 14/11/2019 06:45

He is texting you to protect his own back if you did go to the police.

He raped you and he most likely has done it before, you say he has always been 'pushy' and you knew something was not right about him. That was your gut instinct screaming at you to stay away from this guy.

I would text back "you are a rapist. Leave me alone or i will report you for harassment"

Shoxfordian · 14/11/2019 06:53

I'm so sorry this happened, I hope you got some sleep op

Don't text him, block him, he's disgusting
If you can, then call rape crisis

ShatnersWig · 14/11/2019 08:00

Paulette, you know this is rape. Not because this was someone you thought was a friend but this is at least the fourth man who has raped you. Your abusive ex raped you more than once and you'd been raped at least twice by other men before him.

PLEASE report him.

AmIThough · 14/11/2019 08:09

I don't understand how he believes penetration is only sex if you end up finishing.
He raped you OP.

Please report him.

Original poster

Paulettepink · 14/11/2019 08:26

ShatnersWig that is what I'm so ashamed of. That is why I think it can't be true. It can't have happened again. And who would possibly believe me. I reported my ex for everything except that because I thought the police would have a good laugh and think I was making everything up. I'm also terrified of social services getting involved.

OP posts:

FreshStart01 · 14/11/2019 08:31

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I believe you 100%. Please block him immediately and do not have any further contact with him. Please keep re-reading all of these posts especially from those who are giving you some really sound advice. Please look after yourself.

Sandals19 · 14/11/2019 08:38

Well, he has sent me a message completely re-writing what actually happened. Says I didn't tell him no or stop beforehand but also has apologised twice

Trying to convince himself, you - and any authorities you might report to.

Why's he apologising if he didn't do anything wrong?

I wonder does he gave anything on record for this before - regardless of it not having been prosecuted.

Sandals19 · 14/11/2019 08:39

*have

Sandals19 · 14/11/2019 08:40

You can text back refuting it if you want but I'm not sure what the right thing to do is; there are posters with more experience in this.

Sandals19 · 14/11/2019 08:40

"You are a rapist, don't contact me again", seems to sum it up though.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 14/11/2019 08:48

He's a rapist and a liar, his text is some kind of weird way of 'evidencing' that he did nothing wrong. It is worthless, meaningless, a lie. But don't delete it, keep screenshots of everything.

I would text back 'you are a rapist and a liar. You did not have my consent to penetrate me' just so that is on record. Then I would block him. Do not engage with him. He is a rapist and a rapist who is prepared to mess with your head to cover his tracks.

The only call you should be making today is to your local rape crisis, they will be able to support and help you through the immediate fuzz (that's really just shock, your body and brain shuts down for a bit to help you process what's happened).

I am so sorry for what has happened. I believe you.

Original poster

Paulettepink · 14/11/2019 08:52

Sandals19 he is apologising in case I 'feel any kind if way about it'

OP posts:

Fightingmycorner2019 · 14/11/2019 08:53

He’s a rapist
Call a victim support line to get everything out and clear In your head

He is wrong , he committed a crime

Really really sorry

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