Trigger warning - something happened last night

[Paulettepink]

And my head is in a mess. Something that started out as consensual (kissing) went wrong and I can't make sense of it...
He wanted to take it further, but I didn't as no condoms. I tried to push him away. I told him no, I told him I didn't want to, I told him to stop. But he didn't, not until he was inside me. He thinks that fine because he didn't finish. Said we didn't have sex, it was just penetration. And something that made zero sense about differences in how/why you say no. I feel numb and confused. And hurt because I trusted him

OP, you really need to report this. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for his future victims. Because bastards like him don’t stop at one.
And please stop doubting yourself, or letting him gaslight you with his fake version of what happened. He’s trying to rewrite history in a panic that you might go to the police. Which is exactly what you should do, whether there’s enough evidence to go to court or not.
It will help to restore the balance of power for you to know he is squirming in a police interview, scared that he might go to prison, having to face the reality of what he has done. Make the bastard suffer the consequences of his action.
Decades ago I read a feminist novel where a gang of vigilante women used to trap rapists like this man and hold them down to be anally raped by their male accomplice. I was shocked at how viscerally satisfying that idea felt - to inflict the same outrage, fear and sense of violation on the perpetrator. We can’t, in a civilised society, condone that, but by subjecting him to a police interview you can at least frighten him. And as I said, hopefully protect future potential victims.

Babdoc that's an interesting point about the police interview redressing the power. Just don't think I can go through that again.

I think I hoped I would be told that i was overreacting, he hadn't done anything too terrible. I was being over sensitive because of what had happened before.

Oh OP you have been conditioned to believe that

Please report

I'm so sorry you went through this OP.
What a nasty fucking rapist he is!
Please cut all contact right now.
One more message - YOU ARE A RAPIST - LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE
Then block on everything.
Please also reach out to Rape Crisis.
They can help you unravel what has happened here and reassure you that it was NOT your fault!
Did you get any support from domestic abuse organisations after your previous abusive relationship?
I think doing the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid will really help you with future relationships.
You can do it on-line but it's far better to attend in person.
Please speak to people about this.
Do not hide what he is.
He does need reporting OP.
He will continue to do this to other women.

This site and video with the tea analogy is good.
Maybe send him the link HERE IT IS
I'm raging for you OP.
He's an absolute cunt!

hellsbellsmelons that's a good idea, thank you

I had some help from women's aid and tried very hard to get practical support with dealing with the police but there was none. As a result he has hot away with everything and will continue to do so

he is apologising in case I 'feel any kind if way about it

Why would you feel "any kind of way" about consensual sex.

So it's "I'm so sorry you feel bad, even though I didn't rape you. More gas lighting and manipulation to make out you have issues .. not that he forced himself on you despite your objections and pless.

Oh love he's not a friend, and he's certainly not relationship material. He raped you, that's not even borderline, you said no repeatedly and he penetrated you.
Please get yourself some support in real life. Rape crisis or similar.

Thank you everyone. Does anyone know of anywhere I can do free online/email counselling? I really need to talk to someone but I have no one to look after my baby.

Right here:

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

Stay strong. Don’t let him near you.

x

Please use the online service for rape crisis that Cal linked to above.

It will help to speak to someone trained to support women who've been raped, if only to get your head round what's happened and decide what you want to do next.

As pp's have said, you're in shock right now and that's normal.

There are lots of lovely people here who will help as best they can but it's no substitute for support in real life.

Please don't doubt yourself. You know what happened.

The only thing I'd add is that I wouldn't advice that you text him calling out what he's done. You've no idea how he will react and the last thing you need right now is to find him knocking at your door.

Just block his number for now until you can speak to rape crisis and/or the police if you feel able to report him.

I agree with DeRigeur.

He knows. Don’t engage. Ghost him.

Your safety is what matters. And talking to someone even if only via the online support service right now.

You aren’t alone. We’re all standing with you.

Cal72 thank you

He wouldn't hurt me (other than what he had already done) but he wasn't too happy about what I had to say. Said he had never been told anything like this before. Says he didn't understand the conversation and that it was weird.

On your phone there should be a recording facility. Record now...while it's still completely fresh in your mind....what happened, what you said, he said, how you feel.....everything.

He must live with his conscience.

Most likely he is mystified. I daresay he’s done this to others and is convincing himself they didn’t mind. And doesn’t understand why you aren’t willing to go along with his make believe rewriting of events. Hence the mystification.

He knows.

You were shaking. You were frightened. He knew. He knows.

Really. Ghost him. Nothing good can come from engaging with him. It’s not your job to educate him. He is an adult. He made a choice.

He isn’t a nice guy. If he can rape and then try to pretend he didn’t, he’s not someone you need anywhere in your world.

He raped you. And you will need to take time when your head clears to grieve for the loss of the man you thought he was. He isn’t that man.

x

Sorry to be blunt OP but when you say he wouldn't hurt you, I'd expect a week ago you would have said he wouldn't rape you.

I'm not trying to frighten you, or cast aspersions on your judgement (I would never have guessed the person who assaulted me would have been capable of doing so), rather just protect you whilst you're understandably in shock.

His reaction re: the texts isn't proof he doesn't understand what happened. It shows he absolutely does know and is trying to manipulate you and any text evidence to show otherwise.

In other words he's panicking because he knows what he did. So don't provoke him right now. Block him. Contact rape crisis and see how you feel after speaking with them and taking their advice.

Said he had never been told anything like this before.

Somehow I doubt that.

Since he's got to (?) as he thinking it's ok to force someone to have penetrative sex when they're saying no and trying to stop him .. it seems rather unlikely that he's never ever had a woman feel coerced or say a word about that before.

Reminds me of an extremely controlling ex saying "I'm not controlling" to me. I thought "Are you convincing yourself mate, cause you aren't convincing me". (Incidentally he let various things drop during the relationship that he'd been v controlling with exes as well).

*age

His reaction re: the texts isn't proof he doesn't understand what happened. It shows he absolutely does know and is trying to manipulate you and any text evidence to show otherwise.

This.

Actually his conscious mind is hard at work convincing himself that he did nothing wrong and that you're hysterical and regret the sex etc.
His subconscious knows what he did and as others have said he feels the need to protect himself from the chance that you might report him.

Sorry for the pop culture reference in the context of so serious and awful a thing, but he's trying you Jedi mind trick you.

Good analogy Sandals. That sums it up perfectly.

These aren’t the Droids you’re looking for, eh?!

Except we’re all here. We know. So keep listening and talking. Don’t let him convince you that what happened wasn’t real. It was. Trust yourself. It’s tempting not to. It’s tempting to try to make it not have happened in your own mind. But it did. And squashing down the part of you who is saying it was real, it was me, I was there - that will damage you. Listen to her. She is you. She’s allowed to cry and grieve because that man frightened her and violated her and it isn’t fair and he shouldn’t have done it.

Ghost him.

Look after her. She’s you.

Hm that's horrible. A man once pulled off his condom when we are having sex even though I said no. I now realise that also is rape.
I also thought he was my friend. He is now deceased as his reckless nature killed him in the end.
Quite honestly rape is rape and you do need to report it.

PrettyPurse that's a good idea, thank you.

DeRigueurMortis i was thinking the same thing as I wrote that but the shameful thing is I knew how pushy he is. That was why I didn't want a relationship with him previously, so it's not surprising he is also pushy in a sexual context. Of course assumed though that he wouldn't take it as far as he did.

Cal72 thank you for your lovely words

Sandals19 perhaps he does like what hs has done

Funguy I'm sorry that happened to you. If i could report anonymously I would

Don’t feel bad about not reporting to the police. That’s a very personal choice that only you can make. You may report it in the future. You may not. Right now, do what feels right.

Hope he’s stopped pestering you. And hope you managed to chat to the helpline.

x