Oh no I'm the other woman

[UncertainWoman]

Feeling a little devastated at the moment and not really sure what to do. I have been dating a man in the military for around eight months now. We spend pretty much all our time together and he stays at mine most nights. The only time when he goes away is once a fortnight when he goes to his 'parents' for the weekend.

He didn't seem to do any social media so I didn't really get to suss him out when he first started dating. We shared our dating history with each so I was aware that he'd had a string of girlfriends but never anything serious as being in the army had hampered his dating life a little (yeah right pal!) He told me he'd just recently come out of a short term relationship in which he'd been cheated on and I opened up being cheated on in the past. I told him how much I hated cheats, probably till I was blue in the face haha.

He went back home this weekend and I was a little bored. He'd told me a few days prior that he's been in the papers a few years back for something cool but when we searched together we couldn't find it. So I thought I'd do some digging and surprise him.

Well, I found it...

He has a totally different name to the one I know and the article mentioned a wife and child. I typed that name into facebook and there he is as a supposedly happy family man - married since 2008. He is very much still married as they have recent photos together.

I'm very certain that I'm not his first affair as his stories about all his exes are just too realistic and there are no inconsistencies whenever he brings them up so I believe that those relationships happened.

Obviously anything between this man and myself will be over when I next see him.

Now I'm stuck though...Do I tell his wife or not?

Tell her. If he's shagging about you and his wife are both at risk of STDs and should get tested.

Aren't there laws about defrauding people and obtaining consent under false pretences? What he's done is even worse than bog standard cheating, where the ow knows she is the ow. Honestly,big my husband was capable of this, I'd feel there was a moral obligation to tell me.

Honestly, what have you or his wife got to lose by you telling her?

Your not rising losing a friendship and she doesn't have the relationship she thinks she does to lose either.

You say it was horrible to find out your ex was cheating from your ex's other woman, but would you rather that or still be the 'unknowing fool' in blissful ignorance in that relationship risking all the STDs?

I really struggle to understand why accidental OW are happy to be complicit in their DP's deception of their trusting spouse because I would absolutely want to know.

Tell her. I would want to know.

I got other woman round and let my ex dh walk into us sat having a brew in our home.... his face said everything i needed to know. He was horrified when he realised that not only did i know but she now wouldent believe his bullshit and dumped his sorry ass too.

I would follow previous advice of collecting Evidence and dates few details etc so she knows it's defiantly true. Don't come across as gloating and acknowledge how awful you feel and how you hate cheaters as have been on the receiving end. Put your contact details on so she can ask you more if needed.

I would want to know. Definitely. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong here. I’d tell her.

I wish someone had told me. She deserves the opportunity to make the choice herself about whether she wants to stay with her cheating partner.

Tell her. She deserves to know. I wish I could have told my 'ex's' wife. To this day I still wonder if she got the full story. Be gentle though - this stuff is earth shattering to some.

I would want to know. My Ex H had an affair. I guessed. If I hadn’t guessed I hope someone would have told me.

I would want to know. Yes it would hurt, but that would heal.

I think you should tell his wife, share with her what you can, arm her with the facts, and then leave him to face the music.

He is a prized bastard.

Sounds very much like the man who dated a friend of mine, but he was naval, on the surface a very nice man, with reasons all very plausible as to why he had to go away every now and then. However he also had other women on the go too, and he seemed to get a thrill from juggling them all. See caage.org/

I don't understand those that say not to tell the wife.

I know I would want to know, and I'd really hope someone would tell me if I was ever in that situation.

If she already knows or is having an open marriage then no harm done if you tell her. If she doesn't know then she will be unbelievably grateful. People have one life , she should have the right to decide if she wants to spend it with a cheater. Hope your ok op xx

If she doesn't know then she will be unbelievably grateful

Hollow laugh

Tell her

So the thing he was in the paper for was real, reported under his real name, the same name as his FB, but he has given you a completely different name?

I get that it was the same initials but have you never seen his back card in his wallet? But yes, tell her, send her proof. I would want to know.
Will you now pop up as “people you may know” on his FB feed? I never know how that works, if you do it will definitely tip him off.

I was engaged to a guy in the forces.I witnessed blatant cheating, normally there was wife/serious girlfriend who was deemed appropriate officer's wife material who got to attend graduations, official functions etc. Then the succession of local gfs who weren't deemed suitable but were ok for having fun with. As I witnessed this going on I foolishly assumed my xp wasn't like that, but then discovered he was and his CO was very aware and didn't see it as an issue. I only found out because one of the local girls had the courage to tell me. I was then able to dump him without a backward glance. Tell her OP she needs the knowledge to decide what she wants to do with her life.

well @UncertainWoman not only is he a toe rag but he's thick too. I can't believe he drew your attention to an event and searched the papers for it. Surely he knows it's easy to search for anything using snippets of information? I hope he's not employed in intelligence or anything top secret.

Does his family live somewhere else? How does he get to sleep away from his base every night? His colleagues must know surely too if he's not around.

@justasking111 yes it is, outdated and pathetic in my opinion. A throwback from the days when going away really meant going away with no comms or social media- tech has changed but the culture hasn't!

I actually think he was so cocky and confident it didn’t occur to him you would check his story afterwards. I bet if you confronted him now he’d come up with some bullshit about how they lead separate lives and are only together for the DC etc.

The wife probably already knows. I would still tell her without question. Tell her asap. So she can get on with her life as I bet he is playing you both along. She deserves to know.

She needs to know, what a wanker

So often the case with military. I don't know a single soldier who kept it in his pants.

Come on OP, we only get one life, don't let this poor woman waste hers on a lying cheating prick. Please tell her.

I can't believe the amount of people saying not to tell her. She deserves to know. OP may not have anything to gain from it, but the wife does. Like, the chance to be free from the cheating, lying piece of shit.

OP, I'm sorry you've had this happen to you. What a wanker.

I didn’t tell. I intended to and then circumstances meant I couldn’t.

It was a mistake and I suffer constant guilt about it.