Splitting Up - daughter, oh, what a mess

[bangheadhere40]

I was hoping for some advice. I don't know where to start.

I live with my partner and we have been together 4 years. I want to split up but he makes me think I am being unreasonable.

I have a son and a daughter ( not his ) he is generally good with them and gets on well with my son. He seems to think my daughter manipulates me and tells us all this. We had a huge row last night where he got my son on side and told my DD this situation is all her fault, she is a bully etc. To me she is a normal 13 year old - he tells me I can't see it.

He is now saying he won't leave unless I give him some money. To be fair he pays rent and I can give him this months back and I stupidly said I would give him more just to get rid of him. He is now saying if I pay it he is gone....and won't take any less. Half of me thinks just to do it to get rid of him ( he has no money of his own) and half of me thinks not.

I feel so confused if he does have a point about my daughter, but surely as an adult he souldn't be saying those things to her ( even if they do have an element of truth).

I think you've done well already, op. Yes, locksmiths are expensive but there must be some thing or things you can do to secure the door - my mother always had bolts, one at the top and the other at the bottom on her back and front doors. You could buy a couple of good strong bolts and find someone to fix them for you, not too expensive.

Btw, the man is not really being nice to your son, he's manipulating him for his own ends.

You three are going to be fine without him.

You’re not at home-
I can’t think of any circumstances that are worth more than the safety and protection of your children. Your daughter especially.

Please go home urgently and pack up your ex’s stuff into black bags.

Call a locksmith, get that dealt with immediately too.

You can not trust this man, at all.

Bin bag him, throw the bags on the front lawn and call 101 and request an officer oversees his pick up of his belongings and gets your key back. Explain he’s abusive and is extorting money from you by refusing to leave unless he’s paid to.

£600 is a lot plus he buys food on top of that sometimes.

You seem fixated on the fact that sometimes the other adult in your house pays for food. You do know it's normal for adults to pay for food, don't you?

When this is done, please get onto the Freedom Programme.
You have been so worn down by this arsehole & his abuse of you & your children that you are not yet seeing things clearly.

Some family therapy might also be a very good idea.

Stay strong OP, & imagine the joy of your home life without this manipulative twat in it ...

This man has taught your son by example to be abusive and insulting towards women, that's why this 15-year old boy feels that he is entitled to have a go at an adult woman
This man has denigrated and insulted you and your daughter in full view of your son so that your son can see exactly how it's done

When he's gone, at some point over the weekend you should try and have some time with your DS, explain that the way he spoke to and about his sister is not acceptable and no woman should be spoken to like that ever. Your DD is hitting the difficult years where teenage hormones are all over the place and she does need some consideration for this but that does not mean he is any less important. etc.

Good luck this evening, its one nasty thing you have to go through to be able to enjoy the good things to come.

And if you don't pay him any money at all I'm sure you'd have change from the locksmiths bill.

Getting the key back is not going to achieve anything. If you won't bite the bullet and pay for an emergency locksmith, please get the locks changed ASAP. Bolts on the inside are a good idea, but they only stop someone coming in while you're in the house.

I get the feeling you just can't hear the urgency of people's advice. This man is highly manipulative and he's unlikely to leave your life willingly while he's able to get money out of you and generally mess you around. If you want to get your relationship with your children back, he has to go completely.

Just echoing pp saying change the locks. Even if you get the key back, he could well have a copy and let himself back in. Brand new locks immediately as soon as you can.

Don't worry about what he will do once he has left, don't give it any brain space. Or the money. He's not your problem and you don't owe him something. He may have contributed financially to your household but he has also fucked with your children's heads. How much money will it cost in therapy until they feel mentally healthy again?

And please don't bring your children up in any remaining arguments. It just cements to him - and he'll pass it along to your ds - that your dd is to blame for everything. Keep it to you and him. You want to end things.

Once he is gone give your DS some room to brood, but then sit him down and explain how he was manipulated and used as a tool to bully his sister. It's not your DS's fault. Children will very often side with the domineering adult in a family dynamic for self preservation reasons.

Look up YouTube tutorials on how to change locks. If they are the usual cylinder kind, it's easy. All you have to do is remove the central screw, take the cylinder out and measure it (it may be slightly longer at one end so you need to buy one that matches), buy the new locks from any DIY shop for a few quid, and switch them over.

Once he's gone, as a short term measure, use a chain on the front door (if you have one) and let yourself in and out of the back door.

Also ask for family counselling to help manage how you and your DCs move on from this.

These threads are horrible to read sometimes. FGS give the the OP some credit. She's seen what a manipulative bastard he is, is defending her daughter from verbal attacks, has reached a reasonable financial agreement, has already separated once without problems and has said she will call the police if needed.
She does not need hundreds of keyboard warriors making her feel shit for not laying out hundreds for emergency locksmiths and dumping her ex-partners stuff in the rain.

Bloody hell @bangheadhere40

Great that he has agreed to go. What a vile, manipulative, fucking WEASEL of a man... using your own children to manipulate you.

I am speechless.

But yes, get the key back, get him gone and then breathe.

I also think you might need to think about some counselling for your son, as it sounds like he's been programmed to think about women like your soon to be ex does...

Stand up for your daughter here if your son kicks off, she has done nothing wrong.

Wishing you all the best for this evening.

She does not need hundreds of keyboard warriors making her feel shit for not laying out hundreds for emergency locksmiths

Neither does she need an angry misogynist in her house, @pog100.
And the only way to guarantee that is to change the locks.

Nobody is trying to make her feel shit - some of us have been in this situation, & are trying hard to prevent it from happening to OP.

You can leave a key in the back of the lock so he can’t use his key. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also, depending on the type of lock it might be very simple for you to change the locks yourself. Post a close up photo of the lock and we can tell you if this is the case.

You could put a door chain on the back of the door. It’s very easy and secure especially if the door is wood.

She was just in the kitchen last night and walked past him and he told her to go away, then told her it's all her fault about us breaking up, and that she knows exactly what she is doing.

this is evil, you know that?

Actually as well as for your daughter's sake and your own sake, you need to get rid of this man for your son's sake. He's poisoning him and using their rapport to teach him how to be destructive towards women.

Agreed with sitting down tonight with your children and saying that what's been happening to them is not your sister's fault but that this man has been using his friendship with you and with the brother to split them.

Over the next years you're going to have to now and then talk to him about people who are divisive, the tactics they use (get one person on side, diss the others endlessly) and the results. Don't talk to him all at once or directly about your STBX but just when it comes up on the telly or you see it happening with someone else.

Over time it might be an idea to get the kids to do some fun things together and to work as a team so that your son learns to enjoy his sister's company again without it being tainted by someone dripping poison in his ear.

This is quite important because this man was their stepfather for four very formative years for your son. He'll have done quite a bit of damage. Your poor daughter, but your poor son too.

I guess I feel so useless and worn down by him telling me I can't cope Seriously, this is so abusive towards you.

Agreed with changing the locks OP.

using their rapport to teach him how to be destructive towards women
Exactly he has a weaponized your son, turned him into a willing recruit for the misogynist army

Him, and the noises coming out of his mouth, are worthless, stop placing value on his worthless words, he’s a child abuser and you have allowed him to damage your kids. Think of them instead of analysing his words, Arrange counselling for both your children, they will need it.

Don’t move your next lover into your children’s home. You only have a few more years until they can move away (which I suspect they’ll do ASAP), until then, just meet your next boyfriend away from your kids.

@bangheadhere40 it may be worth speaking to some local locksmiths - when I was burgled a local one came out within 2 hours of me messaging him at 9am! And I've just moved and had new locks for yale and mortice on the front door and new lock for UPVC back door for £120 including VAT.

Get the locks changed now.

Well, of course he is going to blame you.

He's about to lose a cosy home with all the benefits that entailed.

Your relationship with your kids and between your kids will improve when he is gone.

I changed my own locks and you can too it's not too hard. Mine was a similar situation with ex, and I'm female.

It's just a screwdriver job. Takes 15 mins at max. They sell the lock unit in locksmiths. Mine cost £7, within last couple of years. Mine was an older wooden door with mortise lock and changing it was simpler than building ikea furniture. Upvc might be a bit harder but please see attached link:

m-wikihow-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/m.wikihow.com/Change-a-UPVC-Door-Lock?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&amp=1&usqp=mq331AQCKAE%3D#aoh=15732186238091&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.wikihow.com%2FChange-a-UPVC-Door-Lock

Xx

It's getting a bit harsh.
OP, well done.
If he left last time without incident, and you know him best, then hopefully he will later.
You are ready to call the police so just see how it goes.
Keep strong.
Do all of this for your DC.

Well done OP, you need to get this man out of your house.

Tell the kids that your decision has been based entirely on how he has behaved towards you, and whatever either of them thinks about the behaviour of the other that is for YOU to sort out and not any other person and you will not engage with 'her fault' accusations from your Ds. "It was my decision, for my own reasons"

I agree that locks are very easy to change, I did one myself, it cost about a tenner. Quick screw driver and out it pops!