drunken bed wetting

[lesleyw1953]

I think I may have led a sheltered existence because I'm amazed and horrified my dd has a partner who regularly (but not that frequently, maybe once every fortnight) goes out with his mates, gets blind drunk, gets home and pees either himself or the bed. He's also pretty obnoxious ( but not violent) when plastered but she is not usually with him at these times so just has to deal with it when he rolls home. He has told her this is not a big deal - all his mates do this and their GFs just put plastic sheets on the beds. Apart from this - and one very embarrassing incident at her friend's wedding - he is fine. Funny , thoughtful, clever, generous. His mother thinks my DD is overreacting by being angry with him and actually went as far as to ask her what her part in this was. But from what I know he has always drank heavily since his teens so it is not something that has arisen because of his relationship with DD. I can't really ask anyone in real life without making my DD uncomfortable - but surely this is not acceptable behaviour? I know it's not the sort of thing people would be open about but still I cannot believe it's common practice as he claims. AIBU?

A good friend of mine growing up became an alcoholic and died in his early thirties. In the build up to that state, he would regularly wet the bed. He went through various girlfriends because of various issues of his, not least the drink and piss soaked rubber bedsheets.

Not normal, needs addressing before it develops further.

There is no way his friends also do this. He's lying as he's (rightly) embarrassed. I can't fathom how your daughter could put up with this.

If I’ve had a rare big night out and drank quite a bit I will either pee in the wardrobe or the airing cupboard. They both have a washing up bowl in the bottom.

Uhhhm, well, the washing up bowl makes that all okay.

I love a drink. Drink way too much at times. Have had partners who have liked a drink and have drunk too much at times, particularly in uni. I once shat the bed when I had severe food poisoning and physically couldn’t get up (ended up in hospital) and once wet the bed during a severe bout of gastro where I couldn’t get up. Have never wet the bed due to being drunk. Never shared a bed with anyone who wet the bed when drunk or went about pissing in cupboards.

Cannot believe an adult would have to ask if this was normal. Also cannot believe the dickheads mother thinks this is normal. Cannot believe the solution is thought to be use of waterproof sheets. Fuck me.

I'm a sober alcoholic. During my drinking days I frequently wet the bed. Oddly enough, when I stopped it never happened again.

The only people I know have pissed the bed after drinking heavily have been those who are clearly alcoholics. I know of some people who have pissed in the wardrobe or in the corner of the room, but atleast their bodies told them to go pee and they tried. Bed wetting after drinking is a sign that all their faculties have gone. Its grim, I would not put up with it. Once maybe, but every 2 weeks. Not a chance.

YANBU. It's disgusting to get drunk to the degree he wets the bed. Not only with regards to self respect but respecting your DD having to share a bed with him.

My ex husband did it a few times due to his heavy drinking. The way he behaved when drunk was one of the reasons he is my ex.

I asked dh if this is discussed at work (he works in a male dominated job) and he said yes he's heard of men laughing and joking about this like it's nothing. 😐

YANBU at all.

My exH was a bastard for this. It's one of the reasons he's my exH.

Looking back over this thread, I’m reminded of the drunk who used to hang around one of the bus stops near some shops I use. I’d frequently see him with trousers covered in piss. One day I was walking past the area with benches where he usually hung around and he was there, slumped on the floor asleep. I actually saw the liquid spreading across the front of his trousers.

I just remember feeling a mixture of pity and disgust. An adult pissing themself is not a comfortable sight. If it was an elderly person or someone with severe LD you’d feel sad at their loss of dignity. An otherwise capable adult who drinks so much that they piss themself is responsible, at least in part, for that loss of dignity. An adult who drinks so much that they piss themself, then tries to normalise it has no dignity or self respect left.

Some years after I left my ex, when the drinking became unmanageable, he would shit and piss himself regularly. He got to the point where he really didn’t care if he made it to the toilet or not. The drink had such a hold on him that he really didn’t care. He couldn’t eat, would have the squits constantly and has lost so much weight he’d become like a skeleton. He had no dignity left, just the drink. He’d stagger around the place covered in cuts and bruises where he’d fallen over. His own child would occasionally see him in this state and he didn’t seem to care.

Once the drink gets so much hold on a person that they stop caring about their own dignity or how their behaviour affects their loved ones then they’re lost, and the only way they will ever be able to stop is when they end up at rock bottom, and unfortunately that rock bottom is frequently means death.

He’s off the booze now as far as I’m aware, but the damage is done.

His child was kept well away from him long before then btw, but we live in the same area, so DS would see him on the bus or in town etc. It has had a terrible affect on DS.

Thank you so much for all your replies. DD does not really know any of the other GFs who are apparently OK with this behaviour so has no way of checking. Actually it was the detail of the plastic sheets that made me wonder if it was more common than I had thought - it seems to suggest an ongoing pattern that people were actually putting up with.
DD clears up the mess - basically because he is so out of it that otherwise she would be stuck with the mess until he sobers up. The sofa is pretty much written off. I have tried to support her but she is in that stage of hoping he will get a grip. He says he will stop in 2 years time!! Evidently he feels he has a right to sow his oats until then. I asked her what she thought her 20 year old self would say to her now 30 year old self about it all. I suggested she left him for the next 2 years ... I also suggested she contact AlAnon because like many posters on here it does seem a major indication of an alcohol issue. Thankfully there are no DC - and she has a steady job. But they are joint holders of a lease on a flat which has another 6 months to run and she cannot afford to live there by herself. We could help her out but she would need to make the decision to leave - and right now she still loves him and is hoping all will be well. Thanks again to all of you who posted replies - it has clarified my thinking

Could you show her this thread?
Could you encourage and maybe accompany her to al anon?

She needs to know that SHE can do nothing to help him and by the sound of his attitude he has zero intention of this.

He is wasting her finite fertile years. If she wants to have a family in a calm and peaceful home she needs to be leaving this guy asap.

She also needs to do some work as to why her personal self worth is so low that it is acceptable for someone to piss all over her every fortnight and she feels obligated to clear it up.

The MIL has a good point - and the answer is that you DD is enabling his alcoholism by clearing up and accepting his behaviour. He has no consequences to his behaviour - so he just does it again.

Educate yourself on the dynamics of addiction/alcoholism so that you can ease your DD out of this situation. Would you go to al anon on your own if she doesn’t go?

It won't change, he won't change, and I'm afraid she's in for more of this misery if she chooses to stay with him. I hope she finds the strength to leave him soon. At 30 she still has plenty of time to start over.

Sod plastic sheets. The filthy bugger needs to go sleep on newspaper in the garden shed.

Oh GOD, she’s 30! I was expecting a 22 yr old who didn’t know any better. She must know none of her friends are having to put up with this. How awful for her, but also you.

I've done it, but only once when I was at university and was utterly blindingly plastered. It's not normal to get that drunk every two weeks! It's not normal to get that drunk more than once in your life!

It’s not normal or acceptable behaviour. He won’t change from the sound of it. And what his mother said about it, it’s almost like she was trying to blame your daughter.

Please try to avoid your dd getting married to her partner if at all possible.
My dd did just that and her ‘d’h has wet the bed when drunk (and worse things as well).
All you can do is be as supportive as you can without appearing to approve the ‘d’p’s behaviour.

He’ll stop in two years? Oh dear, he really is a long way from stopping. Even alcoholics who actively want to stop find it incredibly difficult, and at the moment this man has absolutely no intention of stopping.

Oh dear OP, I foresee a miserable life for your DD. This will only get worse, and there’s not a damn thing she can do about it. I hope she leaves him, although I suspect it won’t be any time soon.She’s still trying to save him, she’s not even got to the realisation that she can’t yet, let alone the messy business of leaving. I hope she uses contraception, because if they bring DC into this situation SS will be on the doorstep sooner or later, and then she’ll have to choose between the DC and him.

Please show her this thread. Living with an alcoholic is a shitty life, and while she chooses to stay she’ll have no control over trying to make it better.

How old is your DD?

Let’s imagine for a minute it was “normal”

So what? The point is, why is she choosing to put up with it?

What is the point of this man?

I had one friend in similar circumstances until she got called by friends who couldn’t get any taxi to accept her partner due to his drunken behaviour. She didn’t have any luck either, so ended up waiting with him till he passed out in the street and woke up sober. She realised what a waste of life it was.

I really hope your DD leaves this loser. I don’t care if it turns out 90% of the population do it and make it “normal”.

Sorry, just saw she is 30.

So hopefully she’ll make the choice quickly herself.

I worked with someone whose husband used to get drunk every night and piss against the wall at the top of the stairs.
I can't even imagine how badly that would stink after repeatedly being done .
He also did it in friend's houses when they stayed over.
She just used to laugh it off as if it was normal. He was clearly an alcoholic from what she told me - I sometimes wonder if she ever saw sense and left him.

It really doesn't help when the partner normalises the behaviour. There's nothing even vaguely ok about pissing the bed/themselves while drunk.

The very idea of all these girlfriends dutifully putting plastic sheets on the bed in preparation for the return of shitfaced boyfriends!

This is awful

Certainly an alcohol problem

She needs to leave him

IDK if anyone else has said this, but I also don't believe the bit about all his mates doing it and having plastic sheets. Sounds like bollox.