Does anybody else feel grossed out about somebody they've been intimate with?

[Supertumbles]

Short fling of a few months, I was having a fab time at first and found him very attractive but It soon became apparent he had a personality disorder. Having a personality disorder alone didn't put me off at all as it was beyond his control, but his conduct sealed the deal unfortunately because he was unbearable to be with in the end, and nasty.

I now reflect on the "relationship" and cringe, I can't believe i was ever attracted to him let alone slept with him and felt all giddy.

I'm wondering how my judgement was so clouded I was able to find him so attractive, when just a short while later the thought/look of him makes my skin crawl.

I can't even blame it on alcohol as I was never drunk. I'm baffled as to what I was thinking.

Does anybody else feel this way about an ex / old flame?

I probably sound horrible, I'm generally not. He is the only man I've ever felt this way towards, probably because of his conduct really.

Hi OP

Ive certainly been there.
It tends to happen to me when im seeing what I want to see (A great new potential boyfriend) rather than what is actually there. When the bubble bursts because something happens it can come as a shock.
Ive certainly got exes i cringe over with the "What was i thinking?" And "why didnt someone shake me" thoughts.

Dont dwell on him but do have a think about taking a step back next time after every date and double check with yourseld over red flags.

@Super ..... I’ve been married 20 plus years but I remember in my teens having a huge crush on a guy and eventually going out with him. I thought he was soooo cool and popular - turned out he was a complete knob and everyone tolerated / hated him. I literally don’t understand why I was so taken in - he was a complete So u are not alone

That was meant to say “complete fuckwit “ but my phone doesn’t like bad language it seems .

Oh god we were discussing this in work today. Before I met my husband I had MANY encounters that make my flesh crawl.

One guy I was in a relationship with, I seen him in the local newspaper that he was a heroin addict burglar.

So yeah, that made my flesh crawl.

He used to be so good looking in my eyes, but my mum never liked him. I should have listened.

Worst thing was HE DUMPED ME!!!

Oh yes several times the worst makes me shudder. His values (he didn't actually have any) and mine most certainly didn't match. I could have understood if he was an Adonis but he wasn't. At. All.
Looking back though my mental health was poor, my self esteem on the floor and I think I'd have dated anyone who showed me attention. He was actually quite a dangerous individual. Thank goodness I'm in a much better place now.

I'm glad I'm not alone, thank you

I've been relatively hard on myself about going near him in the first place, and bewildered how somebody I'm so repulsed by now - could have ever appeared attractive, physically or otherwise. He has caused me a fair amount of stress in such a short time.

In hindsight he was never my type to begin with. Overweight, bald, significantly older.

No disrespect to overweight bald men in general, it obviously wasn't a problem to me at the time as I was very into him to start with - before the mask slipped.

The change in how I feel about him as a person I can attribute to his shit behaviour, but I'm very as to how I can find him physically repulsive now, when not so long ago I was enthusiastically sharing my bed with him. Bizarre.

One university fling I look at old photos and wonder, just why??? And there were a couple of others I fancied and am grateful it was never reciprocated. No photos of them, thank goodness!

I think this experience is pretty much universal.

Oh bless you all. It's the worst isn't it

Yup my ex husband!
Seriously I don't Know how I did it for so long

Ah yes, The Ick.

My theory is that it’s caused by kind of hormonal fog. When the fog clears and we see them for who they really are, The Ick happens.

Luckily my Icks are all long enough ago that I can squash down all memories.

Honestly quite a few times - a few flings, a friend I had a thing with and a serious ex bf of five years!!

They were all my type then - but total opposite to my husband who is chalk and cheese to them and IMO so much more attractive! I don’t know what I was thinking and can’t believe I was so intimate with them - seems like a lifetime ago on another planet!

A quick look around quora has sprung up something called "Sudden Repulsion Syndrome" and oh my, so relatable!

Yes! Someone I dated this summer. I really wanted him to be a nice, honest guy... but as the red flags began popping up, my perception of him changed and attraction for him just disappeared. I can not understand how I ever found him attractive, the thought of him now makes my skin crawl. He would have definitely been an abuser, after two months started to critique my clothes, hair and make-up, became agitated when he thought another guy was looking at me... I am so annoyed with myself that I spent even 1 minute with him.

Yep one guy in particular had a human skull on his altar. He also had B.O and was 5ft 3. He totally slated me to those we knew afterwards too, because I didn't 100% keep us meeting up a secret and he had a girlfriend. But I think I mentioned it to others because I was resentful of being used.

Another guy when I was 21 was 26 years older than me (it doesn't necessarily bother me that I did that at the time though- but I wouldn't shag him now as he's 67 and looks really bad!) He lived in a squat and took a lot of drugs. I was absolutely obsessed with him but he was just using me for sex.

Another guy- again about 5ft tall- fun loving but a strange personality and other issues. Had a severe smegma problem.

This is making me laugh writing this out lol! I'm 42 now and hope I have higher standards in future.

If you think it's something you should work on, by all means get therapy etc. But a lot of us shag a few fucktards at the end of the day. I had a friend who shagged a druggie beggar! And a taxi driver when she didn't have the fare :)

Forgive yourself- maybe it's a learning experience. Love and hugs xxx

I think that this is the norm for all exes or flings where the guy is an asshole.

I don't think i've ever been in a group of women where a horrible ex was mentioned that wasn't followed by gagging sounds or what the hell was I thinking!!

The only guys that escape this are the decent ones who don't treat women badly!

YES! My ex (DD's DF) -- I thought he was wonderful, and remember thinking he was the best thing since sliced cheese. Then, suddenly, he was not. Not even bearable. His stupid grin. Which was the thing that most attracted me to him, made me want to punch him in the end. He was a really nice guy though. I just went off him. RIGHT off him.

Yes. Sadly a lot. I was very beautiful with hugely low self esteem and a terrible problem with drugs and alcohol. I look back at the photos of me then and think that some of those disgusting men shouldn’t have been anywhere near a young troubled girl. It not only makes my skin crawl but breaks my heart. Especially when I saw my two sisters following the same route (designed for ya by our mum) she brought absolutely vile men into our childhood

God yes, the second bloke I slept with. I was 17, he was in his 20s, and proper enormous, like really fat. He made me laugh but wasn't my boyfriend as such, but he took me to Brighton for the day and we had kissed, and then he came round while my parents were out one afternoon. I thought he was just coming round for a cup of tea (I was very naive) and was too polite to stop him. He didn't rape me, and I actually didn't hate the experience, I just went along with it and it's only now looking back that I cringe. He was the only bloke to go down on me though apart from DH so swings and roundabouts... I only had sex with him that once, then I met my ex and that was that.

'He was the only bloke to go down on me though apart from DH so swings and roundabouts... '

Lol! I suppose there were some plus points to the ancient squat-living druggie, as he'd taught himself tantric sex and could keep going for ages. Wouldn't shag him now tho!

Towards the end of my marriage I was physically repulsed by pretty much everything about my ex.

He was no oil painting to begin with - bad teeth, 15yrs older than me, shit dress sense, face that would stop a clock, but love is blind, isn't it? Didn't hurt that the sex was fantastic!

Towards the end he neglected his self care quite significantly - refused to take his meds, wouldn't brush his teeth, wouldn't take a shower or bath. And it wasn't depression, it was done in a very passive-aggressive way, so that he could then punish me for refusing sex with a smelly sweaty fucker. (After we split he cleaned up his act lickety spit and had a new GF within a month)

Horrible commitmentphobe who lovebombed me, then got scared and ghosted me verrrryy slooowly while also gaslighting me about how I was just imagining he was cooling off.

I spent about two years moping over him and wondering if it was me before I had a lightbulb moment and realised it was all him. Told a friend about him and she said straight away, "He sounds like a prick."

He was...but only a very small one.

I've had the Ick a couple of times. That's a very good phrase for it. They've been acceptable physical specimens but I've Gone Right Off them. Clearly my ovaries wanted no further contact.

I do think about the Ick when I read threads by men whose partners don't want to have sex with them anymore. Suggestions usually range from the problem being her sex drive, tiredness or not enough chores being done by him but I often reckon he's finally upset her, annoyed her or bored her enough that the Ick has descended and there's no going back. But as the blunt truth would probably go down like a lead balloon, I reckon a lot of women keep silent and pretend it's tiredness or whatever.

Do men get this too or is any shag preferable to no shag for them?

I reckon men get it. DH was disgusted with himself for sleeping with two women in particular, they were casual one night stands but he knew them socially, and he felt like it was a good idea at the time, but then he got the ick and couldn't work out why he had done it. Also one of them kept telling everyone who would listen that I had stolen her man and he would have asked her out if I hadn't come along, she was a bit obsessed. Fortunately for DH, everybody knew that wasn't the case. She had apparently been the same with other one night stands previously.

the Ick has descended and there's no going back.

It’s definitely a one-way street!