Does anybody else feel grossed out about somebody they've been intimate with?

[Supertumbles]

Short fling of a few months, I was having a fab time at first and found him very attractive but It soon became apparent he had a personality disorder. Having a personality disorder alone didn't put me off at all as it was beyond his control, but his conduct sealed the deal unfortunately because he was unbearable to be with in the end, and nasty.

I now reflect on the "relationship" and cringe, I can't believe i was ever attracted to him let alone slept with him and felt all giddy.

I'm wondering how my judgement was so clouded I was able to find him so attractive, when just a short while later the thought/look of him makes my skin crawl.

I can't even blame it on alcohol as I was never drunk. I'm baffled as to what I was thinking.

Does anybody else feel this way about an ex / old flame?

I probably sound horrible, I'm generally not. He is the only man I've ever felt this way towards, probably because of his conduct really.

A Velcro wallet! 😂😂😂

A tiny foot! 😂😂😂😂

Sadly I met my regretful dalliance straight after splitting with my ex husband, so was fairly easily manipulated. Went on a blind date organised by a mutual friend and I instantly didn't fancy him. Snogged him and he couldn't kiss. There was something about him that made me cringe... Yet I saw him again. And again. And then it turned in to a 2.5 year long pity fuck. He rinsed me for money. My kids hated him. My mum hated him. He carried a literal black cloud wherever he goes.

Then he ran off one day without warning and moved in with the friend who'd introduced us. Total cocklodger. She was welcome to his shrimp dick. Best day of my life.

I am afraid that I feel this about my late husband. I have learnt many things since he died. The thought of him touching me fills me with revulsion. I didn't realise that other people may have similar thoughts - even wondered if I were mentally unbalanced.

My exH. Total narc who always told me how lucky I was to have him and how dull and unattractive I was.

I look at him now and he is a pathetic wanker who looks like Voldemort. Ick, what was I thinking all those years!

Ahh alas I don’t know whether it’s a blessing or a curse but I mostly get instant ‘ick’.

30 seconds into a date - ‘ick’.

Negative: I rarely have sex.

Positive: I never have post sex ick

*Negative: I rarely have sex.

Positive: I never have post sex ick*

😂😂😂

Post sex ick is... Well... Ick. And it lasts for years. Even now I can't say the creepy snoggy guys name without wanting to sew my vagina shut.

Somebody upthread said people with personality disorders are very magnetic in the beginning.

Can someone explain why this is? I have a friend who I think has EUPD/ BPD and he is rolling in lovely women but they all run for the hills after not very long.

Is it the intensity? What?

But yes The Ick. The true death knell of a relationship. I have only really had an enduring ick with one person. With some others it was a temporary ick which passed after we split up. Although I could never sleep with any of them. And still others there was no ick. Just a horrible sadness and grief and i still would...

I remember having sex with an ex, looking at his teeth and thinking how horrible they were! I ended it the next day. It was as if scales had fallen from my eyes! Obviously the teeth thing was a symptom of other issues but at that moment, I saw things I didn't see before! It was a long time ago and I still remember it

he is a pathetic wanker who looks like Voldemort

RE men with personality disorders being magnetic, in the case of my ick he was very charismatic and charming, very intense, a little grandiose. I think (at least in my case) it can catch you off guard and you (well i) misinterpreted the red flags as him being 'different' in a good way, deeply interesting yet hard to figure out. A challenge and fascinating. Exciting.

The rose petals fell off my eyes very quickly though, as from what I can tell.. people with disordered personalities can't keep the mask on for long.

Turns out he's just a boring grumpy old bastard with deep rooted misogynist views and couldn't find a clitoris if he was drawn a diagram.

my recent rebound fling was amazing the first weekend. i went out with him in my 20s and we reconnected via facebook. he seemed a bit...different but still attractive, so we had a couple of weekends together,

first weekend - fairly awesome, he’s still handsome, funny, and we were all caught up in the moment. second one - red flags EVERYWHERE. he literally called me a snowflake for asking him not to be racist. he kept insisting that I was somehow offensive for ‘feeling offended on behalf of non-white people’. he was annoyed that i asked him not to use the n word, or to call the corner shop the p*ki shop. like, he was grimly furious that his rights were somehow being eroded, i tried to tell him that 40 years of progress would suggest that he was on the wrong side, here, but to no avail. he also made a crass, disgusting remark after seeing a tv ad for the morning after pill. the scales fell rapidly from my eyes.

that was it. done. but, he wasn’t going home til the next morning so i just sat there, edged away from him, pretended i couldn’t sleep and huddled on the couch under a blanket all night. saw him off the next morning, and told him later on messenger (because i am a coward) that we were fundamentally unsuitable, that i wasn’t going to change my (perfectly fine, thank you!) moral code for the occasional shag, and that i was a bit surprised to find that in the intervening 25 years he had become, well, a bit of a fascist.

it was a mediocre shag, at that.

rebound fling: achieved. thank the lord he lives 300 miles away. ugh. ick. eeuw. what on earth was i thinking?

and, he needed to exfoliate his nose.

(just as an aside, i have BPD and i am not a monster. just needed to put that out there, so please no endless speculation on BPD and how horrendous people with it are. we’re not all terrible people. some of us are people who have had terrible things done to us)

Yep, as clearly documented here, the Ick is a Thing. I've had a few myself.

My question is, do men get the Ick? Ok clearly men go off women too, but do they get that very particular feeling of revulsion that we're talking about? Or do gender power relations mean they don't feel violated in the same way?

Oh God. My first serious boyfriend (I was a late bloomer). Much older. Really, really controlling. Shamed me for wanting sex. Shamed me for experiencing pain when we had sex. Accused me of having been raped and lying to him about it. Told me that I was his student and he was my teacher. Told me that I was abnormal. Threatened to cheat on me if I went to visit my family for a few days. Tried to get me to cheat on him, but came over horrendously jealous if I spoke to another guy. Didn't stop when I told him to stop. Shamed me for my "tantrums" when I would push back at him. After it was all over I left the country, not to get away from him, but it didn't hurt asked me to write down all my wonderful memories of our time together in a book for his birthday. (I declined.) It was on and off for a year and a half. Why was it ever on??? (Answer: I was very very messed up, and horrendously passive.)

Oh another big ick was he was a shit kisser. Said when we first met he would give me a passionate kiss. He didn't use tongue and hardly opened his mouth. No passion at all.

Oh yes.

Hormones and oxytocin have a lot to answer for.

No disrespect at all intended to people with BPD. A childhood friend of mine has it and is simultaneously one of the kindest, most giving women I know - the sort of person who would give the shirt off her own back to somebody more needy.

I absolutely believe you can be a good person and have a PD, similarly you can have a PD and just be a shit person. My ick bloke was the latter.

I his PD definitely contributed to his behaviour, but he didn't have a singular dx of BPD. This guy has what is known as "the dark triad" which is three co-morbid personality traits. He was diagnosed whilst in prison years ago, just incase anybody is wondering whether I'm being an armchair diagnosis. I'm not. yes I know I'm an utter moron for giving somebody like that a chance, but I'm a believer in reform and believed he had changed lesson learned, and quickly!

IRT men getting the ick, I believe they do.

I remember being pursued relentlessly by a man years back who seemed very into me, when I finally slept with him he went off me within 24 hours. It was as if a switch had been flipped and I was no longer attractive or somebody he wanted to know. He could have been one of those sods who were only after a quick shag in the first place or maybe I was just shit in bed, but now I know about SRS it does seem fitting when I look back.

I think men do get the ick too

Jesus my last post was jumbled, please mind the typo's my phone keeps glitching when I type.

Some of the posts itt are classics.
The smaller foot and the kitchen fart are particularly memorable.

I have a weird one in that it don't feel ick precisely; but I feel like I got into a relationship on sort of false pretences in that he had a fairly big goatee beard that, unbeknownst to me until months into the relationship, he used to totally disguise the shape of his jaw/chin (nonexistent) and he looked like a totally different person without the beard. I would not have gotten involved if I'd known him without a beard and therefore there's an element of weirdness about the relationship.

Some men do that with beards, don't they though - and are never foolish enough to shave then off.

Absolutely agree, beards for men are like make up for women.

This one had a beard when I met him, coupled with his bald head gave him a Jason stathan-esque look that I quite liked.

Once I saw him without it he looked like a different person, an egg with eyebrows shudder

Usually I wouldn't be so mean but he was absolutely ghastly to me so I make no apologies

I think men do get the ick too

Definitely, i farted in close proximity to one once and he went right off me.

He was a flaky womaniser anyway but ..

an egg with eyebrows shudder

Thing is, even makeup can't do what beards can do for men. After that experience I would not get involved with a bloke with a beard again, without seeing him without it.

The Ick. I can't stand - literally, hate - seeing a man in his underwear unless they are my lovely DH and are jersey, fitted type boxers (not sure what they are actually called. My main Ick Guy wore Y-fronts. Always patterned, horrible colors. His DM bought them, I'm sure. Put me off for life.

A good example of beard sorcery here.

Picture two I wouldn't kick out of bed for farting, whereas picture one I wouldn't touch with somebody else's

That's not even that bad. I mean he looks better with a beard but he doesn't look awful without one and doesn't have a nonexistent jaw/chin.

Beard sorcery .

Beard deception is another possibility.