Her husband is on Tinder, WWYD?

[Flairhead]

As the title indicates, I've just been on Tinder and spotted the husband of someone I know on there.

They've been married for about 12 years and have two little girls, the elder one just started school this year.

If the woman was a close friend, I'd probably have no hesitation in telling her. I know her through work, we used to be in the same team but after she finished maternity leave her hours changed so I don't really see her any more, though we do have each other on Facebook, so I know what her husband looks like and what he does (which he wrote on his bio, quite niche and no mention of the kids).

I wondered if maybe they'd split and that's why he's on there, but I've checked both their Facebook pages and there's nothing to indicate that, though it's possible they wouldn't put anything on there about it.

I've taken a screenshot, but I'm not sure what to do with this knowledge. I'm inclined just to leave well alone, but also tempted to try swiping right and see if we match, then if we do get chatting maybe mention to him I know his wife? Probably a bad idea though. What do others think?

Interesting! If the profile isn't there any longer I would probably not tell her and try and forget I'd ever seen it.

Unless It's changed since I was last one there then you wouldn't see him again unless you swiped right anyway would you ?

You should tell her

I've been in this situation and I didn't tell her. I wasn't close to the other woman but I know her. We are in the same industry and if either of us need anything we will speak and I do see her at events but we aren't good friends.

The reason I decided against it is because many people have different types of relationships. Some are open, some swing and some are just going through a bad patch and things happen.

I didn't want to embarrass anyone and have her feel like she had to explain or anything if their relationship was open or anything like that.

I am glad I didn't.

I would tell her, if it were you wouldn't you want to know? Think Scarlett's message was great and you've got the screenshots to prove it, she deserves to know.

My ex was on an online dating site for 3 years and I didn’t know. He never told me and would never. I found out by looking myself.

I know many of my friends and colleagues must have seen him. I wish they’d told me.

Preferably before I got pregnant...

Flairhead Have you abandoned your attempt to alert her?

Yeah I'm not going to say anything. She's posted some nice pics of them as a family over the last few days and I don't think he's on tinder any more. I don't want to shatter everything for her.

Good on you Flairhead - don't get involved, stay out of it and don't be the one to break such bad news. Situations can be very complex, it's hard for an outsider to see into all that's happening between a couple or in a family. Just leave well alone x

I don't think I would. I would unfriend her if you aren't really friends too.

Totally your decision. All I would say is .. if you read back through all of the posts on your thread.. every single person that has been on the receiving end of this kind of thing has said they would absolutely want to be told. People telling you not to get involved are (I would guess) people who have never had this done to them, so think it's best kept out of as it's 'other people's business'. Although you can't be certain thAt it's not an open marriage (even though I'd be amazed of it was) ... so what if it was? She knows anyway so no harm done.

He might have been freaked and taken his profile down. Now there are happy family photos on FB (that count for nothing) He'll more than likely pop up again soon on tinder / bumble/ PoF.. what will you do then?

Of course it's far easier to stay out of it. But given that the vast majority of women who have been cheated on universally say that they would have wanted to know, what's the right thing to do? (Regardless of fall out ) . The only reason I feel so strongly is that I definitely wish someone had told me. I felt like an utter fool and that people had been laughing at me when I found out. (They hadn't obviously - but that's how it felt at the time)

You're right to stay out of it.
You cant win. The messenger will be shot and that is you.
He'll probably be back on it sooner or later.
Say nothing.
All the blame will be on you otherwise.

I wish so much that someone had told me, and I would never have shot the messenger. Never.

It adds an extra twist of the knife, an extra helping of humiliation, to know that dozens of people knew what was going on in my life before I did. Also, our problems would have been less painful and complex if they had not gone on for so long.

Purrbox. Yes another person who wishes she'd been told, like everyone who has been on this position on here - we all wish we had been told. Maybe you have to have actually been in our position to understand how much better it is to be told. Even if it ends up not being true. I don't think most women would shoot the messenger in this instance as everyone seems to assume. If I had a sense that it was well meaning and coming from a place of care then I would thank the person then move on and do my own investigations.

It would sadden me that someone could reach out and save me from a shitty lie of a relationship but they decide not to :(

It wouldn’t be you who shattered everything. It would be him.
You may even not be the only one to have spotted him.

I'm confused (sorry if I missed) why you think he's no longer on tinder? If you swiped left you won't be shown him again, if you matched he could have unmatched you, and if you restarted the app you might have to swipe through thousands to see him again....

I would tell her, she has a right to know.

I deleted the app, then curiosity got the better of me and I signed up again just to see. You can adjust the filters so you only see people within a certain distance. He didn't show up.

I wish someone had told me when I was innocently in a relationship with a cheat.
I would have printed and posted anonymously in your situation op.