Her husband is on Tinder, WWYD?

[Flairhead]

As the title indicates, I've just been on Tinder and spotted the husband of someone I know on there.

They've been married for about 12 years and have two little girls, the elder one just started school this year.

If the woman was a close friend, I'd probably have no hesitation in telling her. I know her through work, we used to be in the same team but after she finished maternity leave her hours changed so I don't really see her any more, though we do have each other on Facebook, so I know what her husband looks like and what he does (which he wrote on his bio, quite niche and no mention of the kids).

I wondered if maybe they'd split and that's why he's on there, but I've checked both their Facebook pages and there's nothing to indicate that, though it's possible they wouldn't put anything on there about it.

I've taken a screenshot, but I'm not sure what to do with this knowledge. I'm inclined just to leave well alone, but also tempted to try swiping right and see if we match, then if we do get chatting maybe mention to him I know his wife? Probably a bad idea though. What do others think?

Did you message her OP?

No, and I'm not 100% that I'm going to. I'm just not sure how okay I am with potentially causing s huge fallout, even though it's him in the wrong by signing up to Tinder.

Could you not play wide eyed and innocent and go from the angle that you think someone is using his photos? You could say you’ve noticed it pop up and recognised it as him and they’re using the same name/his work details and your concerned there’s a catfish out there and he might want to lock down his social media? Personally I wouldn’t post an anonymous letter because if it were in her shoes I would drive myself mad wondering who it could be/thinking everyone was laughing at me.

My daughter’s school friend’s mum noticed my (now ex) husband on Tinder and told me. I will be forever grateful to her. Just imagine if it were you.

Would you want to know?

Would you want the opportunity to protect your sexual health?

Would you want to have the upper hand in order to safeguard your finances and position or wait to be blindsided?

I know what I would want.

I would forward her the screenshot via message n just say 'hey, I dunno what your situation is with x but I thought you should know he is on tinder, just incase he is being a cheating git. Just thought if it were me I'd want a heads up'.

Don't catfish him or anything. That's getting
too involved.

Leave well alone! They have probably split. My exH and I separated for three years before we divorced. Neither of us put anything on social media like FB but did use dating sites at this time.

Do you have her email? You could set up a new account and send it to her anonymously

I would screen shot. Print it and post it to her

I'd say let her know and she can then decide what to do for herself.

Scarlet's message is totally disinegnious. No one thinks it's a prank.

What if he DH starts gaslighting her that someone else did it as he has no knowledge of it? What if she things the message is proof that others wouldn't think it far fetched and it prolongs her agony?

Flairhead your message was perfect. To the point, honest and kind,. Send that, not something that pretends it's not what it is. What's the point in that? It's game playing IMO.

Or if you want a short message, then this from a PP is perfect also:

hey, I dunno what your situation is with x but I thought you should know he is on tinder, just incase he is being a cheating git. Just thought if it were me I'd want a heads up

I can’t understand people not wanting to do the right thing- surely if it was you - you’d want to know? If you don’t want to get “shot” why not do it anonymously by posting her the Screen shot - then it’s up to her to dig deeper if she wants to

I hope you do tell her. She deserves to know and I would want to know in her shoes.

Tell her x

Flair head

It's a really awkward situation and I have often wondered what I would do if I came across the same. This post has crystallised it for me. I would definitely say something. If you read through the posts of the people that have been cheated on, every single one says they would want to know. My ex DH had an affair too and I would have wanted to know. It doesn't change the awful realisation of the reality, but the added feeling of being the last one to find out and wondering why no one had had the balls to tell me was even worse.

Ok so what if she does already know? Then fine. Nothing lost. She can do what she likes with the screenshot/ information. I think you have a duty to at least alert her to the fact that something might be amiss. Good luck.

And yes.. I think scarlett's message is great. Less 'sorry to have to tell you' and more ' I just thought I should let you know' but also letting her know that no one else at work / rRL knows.

Scarlett's message isn't honest. It puts a barrier up. If the wife wants to say thank you for telling me she has to navigate playing a ridiculous game where you're both pretending it's a prank. Why do that?

Why, when dealing with a difficult situation do so many people want to add further lies to it? My OH's first instinct is often to tell white lies and it drives me nuts! Just tell the truth, don't complicate it further.

If you want to say it in a way that's sensitive to her feelings that's great, but find a truthful way to do that, it's not necessary to construct more lies to do it.

Please don't be dishonest to the wife that's cruel and necessarily humiliating.

I would stay well out of it.

Wiggly

I meant the tone of it. Not the prank element. I don't agree with that. Should have made the clear.

Having been in a similar situation I think something along the lines of .., (though I appreciate that people have their own views on this)

Hi x

I hope all ok with you (or similar)

I realise we aren't in regular contact, but I came across something the other day and wanted to get in touch.

I am doing OLD at the moment and came across your DH's photo and profile.

I wasn't sure whether to contact you. I appreciate there may be things between you and your DH that I know nothing about, or you may have already been aware. If not I'm sorry. I don't know anything other than what I have seen and have not discussed with anyone else.

I hope you don't feel that I am acting out of turn sending you this. I decided to in the end as I think I would appreciate somebody alerting me to this if they saw similar. It's coming from a place of care and nothing else.

Please don't feel as if you have to contact me after this but I understand if you do want to . I hope things work out ok for you.

Thanks

Flairhead

Lemon, what a lovely message. I would appreciate receiving that if I was the lady involved.

I've checked tinder again and his profile is gone. Maybe he's seen sense?

well you have the screen shots so it doesn't change the fact that he is out there looking does it?

and as for him seeing sense, it's more likely he saw your profile and thought "shit she knows my wife and works with her"

oooh that's interesting... I bet you weren't the only one to see it OP