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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Her husband is on Tinder, WWYD?

144 replies

Flairhead · 04/11/2019 00:40

As the title indicates, I've just been on Tinder and spotted the husband of someone I know on there.

They've been married for about 12 years and have two little girls, the elder one just started school this year.

If the woman was a close friend, I'd probably have no hesitation in telling her. I know her through work, we used to be in the same team but after she finished maternity leave her hours changed so I don't really see her any more, though we do have each other on Facebook, so I know what her husband looks like and what he does (which he wrote on his bio, quite niche and no mention of the kids).

I wondered if maybe they'd split and that's why he's on there, but I've checked both their Facebook pages and there's nothing to indicate that, though it's possible they wouldn't put anything on there about it.

I've taken a screenshot, but I'm not sure what to do with this knowledge. I'm inclined just to leave well alone, but also tempted to try swiping right and see if we match, then if we do get chatting maybe mention to him I know his wife? Probably a bad idea though. What do others think?

OP posts:
Sweetpeach3 · 05/11/2019 09:50

My ex cheated on me and my friends cousin told me. I couldn't thank her enough for it and since then we became friends as she was the only person honest enough to tell me. He's since been on numerous secret social media sites etc and when people told me I never once took it out on them I was thankful people was honest enough and told me. He's now been kicked to the kerb but my point is. You need to tell her. Like you said their isn't any grudges an tbh if she is an okay person like you say. I'm sure she will appreciate the truth from anyone in regards to her DH been a snake. I'd rather be heart broken and know the truth then be all happy with someone and everyone knowing what he's doing behind my back xx

OhMyDarling · 05/11/2019 09:54

Def tell her.
Maybe anonymously.
These crap men need to face consequences for their actions.

olieve · 05/11/2019 10:44

She definitely deserves to know op. And you can tell her. Then what she does with the information is up to her.

However people telling you to do it so she knows it's you because it's more fair on her and not to fuck with her head etc aren't thinking of how this could come back on you. Work place issues, pissed off husband etc. You have no idea how she'll react.

You don't need to put yourself in the middle of their marriage. Tell her anonymously. She can create a Tinder profile herself and find him.

Scarlett555 · 05/11/2019 10:48

What a tricky situation!

If you can see the husband's profile and you're not friends with him he probably has an open profile. It is therefore possible he has been catfished. Although sadly more plausible he is a cheating scumbag.

You could always approach your friend from a different angle:

Dear Friend

I know we haven't spoken in a while and sorry if I am speaking out of turn but I was browsing Tinder and came across a profile with these pictures that look familiar. I wasn't sure whether to say anything, but you should probably let your DH know that pictures of him have turned up on a public dating site.

Apologies if this causes any upset and I hope he manages to get it sorted if it's some kind of prank.

Flairhead

BumbleBeee69 · 05/11/2019 10:56

if it was my husband... I would absolutely want to know OP, but please protect yourself too, be careful of identifying yourself, ie will FB messenger will share your details with her? Flowers

AmIThough · 05/11/2019 11:10

That message from @Scarlett555 is good

DBML · 05/11/2019 15:55

Scarlett’s message is spot on.
Good job.

Scarlett555 · 05/11/2019 16:32

Oh glad people like my suggested email.

OP I definitely wouldn't send anything anonymous. It could make the poor woman really paranoid about who it could be and feels a bit creepy.

Original poster
Flairhead · 05/11/2019 19:10

I agree, it's well worded and better than mine.

It's too late to send anything tonight, they'll be home as a family by now. I know there's no ideal time to do it but probably the best (if there is such a thing) is when she's finished work, one daughter at school, the other at nursery and the husband still at work.

I know it's got to be done but I'm still feeling hesitant about it....

OP posts:
VaggieMight · 05/11/2019 20:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

MyKingdomForBrie · 05/11/2019 23:13

If all the info matches the DH won't it sound a bit disingenuous to be saying 'oh his pictures have turned up'..?

PucaIontach · 05/11/2019 23:30

Please don't do it anonymously. Be kind enough to let her know WHO the information came from even if that's awkward for you. Otherwise she will be unable to face anybody uncertain if they could be the one who secretly knows.

Ruddywax · 06/11/2019 05:48

It doesn't have to be done.
Where she might have found out herself and they decided to make it work you by contacting her anonymoualy would have talen that option to carry on and work on the relation as it will now make her so paraoind about who knows. It will add humiliation and paranoia to the whole betrayal. I think it's laughable that you care about the timing more than the bomb you are about to drop on her, very personal yet you get to keep your anonimty. It's creepy really.

Sign it with your real name op or you're a coward too.

FredaFrogspawn · 06/11/2019 05:55

Could you ask her if she’d want to know if her husband’s picture popped up in a tinder profile? She can say no but look herself, say no and ignore huge hint or say yes and hear about it. Feels like she gets a bit of choice that way. (I know it’s pretty obvious if someone asks you that what they are hinting at but it still allows her to ignore it if she can’t deal with it right now).

FredaFrogspawn · 06/11/2019 05:57

and agree anonymously messaging is going to leave her feeling very discomforted - she will be wondering all the time - was it you, could it have been her, perhaps she sent it - about everyone.

Original poster
Flairhead · 06/11/2019 07:29

Laughable that I'd want to minimise the risk of her getting upset in front of her little kids? Okay then.....

As I've said in PP, we're friends on Facebook so messaging her wouldn't be anonymous. Agree that sending something through the post and not signing it would just leave her wondering who sent it and that's not great for her, so thanks to the people who pointed that out, I hadn't realised that.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 06/11/2019 07:34

@Flairhead there is no right time but honestly she's going to be upset for more than 20 minutes before school pick up.

Nagsnovalballs · 06/11/2019 07:42

@Ruddywax if they were rebuilding, priority number 1 would be to remove all traces from dating and hook up sites

TheStuffedPenguin · 06/11/2019 07:51

If you are friends on FB then why don't you message her a " long time no see" message and just do a bit of fishing on her life . You might get a clue that way ?

wineconnoisseur · 06/11/2019 07:54

I think you should tell her.. She deserves to know and I'm sure she'd appreciate that you've told her!

wineconnoisseur · 06/11/2019 07:59

Maybe message her on FB and give her your number and ask her to ring you when she's got a moment free as you would like to talk to her about something..
Then just tell her what you've seen on tinder and explain to her that you didn't know how to go about telling her and that you're sorry if it's caused upset but that if it was you then you'd want to know..

DBML · 06/11/2019 11:09

@Flairhead

I thought your suggestion of when to send the message is thoughtful. There are no guarantees that she’ll see it when you want her to, but you’ve made a conscious effort to minimise stress for her, even the tiniest bit. That shows that you are trying to be caring in this awful, awful situation.

I really hope she replies to let you know that they are divorcing and she’s not phased by this revelation. 🤞

CherryBathBomb · 06/11/2019 11:27

Yes poor woman deserves to know.

How about messaging her saying 'hiya,long time no see bla bla..i didn't realise you and dh have separated..what a shame etc'

When she responds, say 'oh I assumed you had because he's on a dating site'.

Something along those lines?

Grape0 · 06/11/2019 11:28

Super message @Scarlett555

Definitely send that OP, it's perfect.

XJerseyGirlX · 06/11/2019 12:52

I would want to know, poor girl. He is wasting her life

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