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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Her husband is on Tinder, WWYD?

144 replies

Flairhead · 04/11/2019 00:40

As the title indicates, I've just been on Tinder and spotted the husband of someone I know on there.

They've been married for about 12 years and have two little girls, the elder one just started school this year.

If the woman was a close friend, I'd probably have no hesitation in telling her. I know her through work, we used to be in the same team but after she finished maternity leave her hours changed so I don't really see her any more, though we do have each other on Facebook, so I know what her husband looks like and what he does (which he wrote on his bio, quite niche and no mention of the kids).

I wondered if maybe they'd split and that's why he's on there, but I've checked both their Facebook pages and there's nothing to indicate that, though it's possible they wouldn't put anything on there about it.

I've taken a screenshot, but I'm not sure what to do with this knowledge. I'm inclined just to leave well alone, but also tempted to try swiping right and see if we match, then if we do get chatting maybe mention to him I know his wife? Probably a bad idea though. What do others think?

OP posts:
stucknoue · 04/11/2019 18:00

It's possible they have split,despite him leaving me, my h took months before changing his relationship status, also could he have a twin???

HollowTalk · 04/11/2019 18:02

I agree with @Fluffypudcats. An anonymous letter would be really horrible.

Send her an email through your work system and ask if she's free to have a chat with you after work (her work time.) If she asks what it's about say, "It's not work related - sorry I can't say it on here, but I can talk freely if we meet."

Kinley · 04/11/2019 18:17

You could add a note, something along the lines of please know that I'm not doing this maliciously, I'm staying anonymous for my own protection ... I've not shared this information with anyone else but I just thought you ought to know.
I don't know, I'm not very articulate but you could absolutely add something so that she knows no one is laughing behind her back and the information isn't plastered all over town.

Loosenisous · 04/11/2019 18:20

Chances are that someone closer to home will see him.

Unless she is a good friend, I would not do anything.

HisBetterHalf · 04/11/2019 18:25

Maybe its an old profile?

Original poster
Flairhead · 04/11/2019 18:36

No chance that it's an old profile. I've been on there a few weeks and it's just popped up.

Unfortunately due to our hours we're never at work at the same time, our shifts don't overlap, so emailing her and asking for a chat when she finishes isn't an option. Plus we're not close enough to suggest meeting for a coffee or anything like that.

He doesn't have a twin either. Some of the photos on the profile are the same as ones on his Facebook. It's definitely him.

OP posts:
Musti · 04/11/2019 18:47

If you're not friends then you're not risking your friendship. I would just email her a screenshot. Through the post is creepy in my opinion.

DBML · 04/11/2019 18:55

Op, receiving something anonymously in the post could cause further anxiety about who knows. I agree she needs to be told, but I’d personally be brave and just tell her what you’ve seen. You’ve nothing to feel bad about and she might need your support in those first shocking minutes. Even if it were by phone, I’d tell her personally.

Ilovethekitties · 04/11/2019 21:12

Create a fake Facebook account and send them to her

Redwinestillfine · 04/11/2019 21:16

I would 100% want to know. I would message her and just say, you may be aware of this, and in that case sorry for sticking my oar in, but just came across this and thought on the off chance it wasn't something you'd agreed in advance, that you may want to know....

Original poster
Flairhead · 05/11/2019 00:36

Right, I've drafted a message, is this OK?

Hi name

I know we haven't spoken or even seen each other for a while, but there's something you should know about.

I was browsing Tinder on Sunday night and I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but name is on there. I recognised him from posts you've put on Facebook and double checked photos to be certain. It's definitely him.

I've taken a screenshot of his profile so you can see. I'm sorry it's taken a couple of days for me to tell you but I wasn't sure how to go about doing it.

I had a look at your Facebook and from what I can see your circumstances haven't changed. If I've got this wrong them I'm sorry.

I haven't said anything to anyone about this and can promise you that I won't. It's completely up to you what you do from here, and I'm really sorry if this causes any upset, but I thought you should know.

Flairhead

OP posts:
VanyaHargreeves · 05/11/2019 00:51

I think that's a good message. Whatever you say won't be 100% right in this scenario unfortunately.

VaggieMight · 05/11/2019 01:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

VanyaHargreeves · 05/11/2019 01:41

If you decide to send the email I think edit it so it is less about you. It sounds a bit stalkerish where you explain that you have checked her FB for husband pics and their relationship status

I agree with this, I knew the message wasn't perfect but couldn't articulate what didn't feel right. You need to be more to the point.

Interestedwoman · 05/11/2019 01:46

If I were you, I'd anonymize it. Otherwise, it's good x

halloweenismyseason · 05/11/2019 01:50

Take the bit out about telling people as your made a post about it and added the email.
If she finds it she will be humiliated.
Also the last thing she needs to think about is that you may have told someone, let her deal with the screenshot first.

Wonderland18 · 05/11/2019 01:59

i deffs agree with message her, I had an old friends boyfriend try to take me home with him one night at a pub, I told him I knew he was still with his partner and he said no no we split. I stood my ground and told him to back off but seen the next day they were still together.
Hadn’t spoke to her for years so was scared to tell her, she’s still with him now and this is 3/4 years on. I wish I’d told her (can’t bring it up not as it’s been years and I’ll look like a shit stirring arse) as if he could do it with someone she knows he will have done it with people she doesn’t.

Ruddywax · 05/11/2019 02:17

The whole thing is stalkerish, you sound too invested in strangers lives. Really creepy message and those who suggested anon letter...how fucked up?!

Anyone can create a tinder account with whoevers name and photo.

Ruddywax · 05/11/2019 02:19

What are you getting out of this? Is it really just doing a sister a favour?

IdiotInDisguise · 05/11/2019 02:31

Poor woman, she would be wondering what kind of “friend” she has in Facebook to do this in such a cowardly manner. She will be freaking out about who is the messenger from her friends list.

Honestly, I would take all the references to Facebook off, you are looking like a stalker.

IdiotInDisguise · 05/11/2019 02:32

In fact, I’m of the idea that if you cannot tell this to her face you should not send an anonymous letter. You are NOT close enough to be part of this drama.

olieve · 05/11/2019 02:47

Do it anonymously op. Don't risk your work situation. People always shoot the messenger. This could backfire massively for you.

HalloweenCandyLeBonBon · 05/11/2019 02:53

Please don't do it anonymously. That's going to play havoc with her head!

Projectbanjo · 05/11/2019 03:11

What if you just told one of her friends?

So much conflicting advice I would probably just leave it alone now but doubt I could be friendly with her again.

Original poster
Flairhead · 05/11/2019 07:33

Fair point about the length and references to Facebook.

I was just going to send it over Facebook messenger, I don't have her personal email address and it really wouldn't be a good idea to send it through our work email.

When I said I hadn't told anyone, I meant IRL and that's the truth. I was actually thinking of asking MNHQ to delete the thread anyway.

What am I getting out of this? Nothing. It really is just a case of letting her know her husband is on a dating site when AFAIK they're still together. And while we haven't spoken for a while, we always got on fine and we've no grudges against each other, I doubt she'd think I was being malicious for any reason.

I'm getting so much conflicting advice though, I really don't know what the best thing to do is now.

OP posts: