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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse or just a bad temper?

112 replies

shas19 · 03/11/2019 15:13

I've just been screamed at by him and told hes leaving and we're done, currently hes sat upstairs.
Hes punched the conservatory doors and broken my child's chair by kicking it across the room. This is all in front of my two kids. It's not the first time hes broken stuff or shouted infront of them. All started because I told him to calm down for shouting at his mum. It was only last night we was discussing our wedding and how much he loves me and our family. I'm physically shaking. Is this just a bad temper or am I that woman that's in an abusive relationship and didn't even know it:(

OP posts:
areyouafraidofthedark · 03/11/2019 15:14

Is this a one off or happens a lot?

Original poster
shas19 · 03/11/2019 15:15

@areyouafraidofthedark the shouting quite alot. Not so much the breaking stuff. Every row we have he tells me we're done

OP posts:
Candace19 · 03/11/2019 15:16

Let him go....even better walk him to the door.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2019 15:16

You are a woman in an abusive relationship. It's time to stop denying it and get rid of this twat. He behaved that way in front of your children. This abuse is going to ruin them.

Elieza · 03/11/2019 15:17

He has anger management issues. Until he addressed those he will always be a risk. I had one of those lovely-apart-from-a-scary-temper type of guys. I don’t now. Too dangerous. I’d cowtow to him for peace but it meant he always won and accordingly he convinced himself he was more and more right about everything and I was an idiot who shouldnt be given the respect or time if day I deserved. Be careful OP.

Original poster
shas19 · 03/11/2019 15:19

I've never been scared of him till today. I feel like I want to be sick. Hea had anger management a few years back and clearly did nothing for him

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 03/11/2019 15:20

Please don’t let this become your children’s normal.

MissConductUS · 03/11/2019 15:22

Do not marry him. This will only get worse as you're now seeing his "best" behavior.

Winterdaysarehere · 03/11/2019 15:26

My exh regularly smashed up our home. Once threatened to put our ds through a window.
IT WON'T GET ANY BETTER OP...
He needs to leave now.
Today.

Csleeptime · 03/11/2019 15:27

You need to get out before your kids think this is normal. Sorry this is not acceptable and is abusive. Also you shouldn't be threatened to keave every time there's an argument

Original poster
shas19 · 03/11/2019 15:27

Hes now sat in the front room no doubt I'll get the silent treatment for the whole night. It like he has split personality. Only 10mins prior we were la8ghing and joking then next thing you know I'm sat here in tears picking pieces of a chair off the floor

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 03/11/2019 15:30

Do not allow this to be your dc's normal.
My ds 27 is still in therapy for anger issues due to his df's actions...

user1480880826 · 03/11/2019 15:30

Do not marry this man. And do not force your children to grow up in his company. They will think this is the normal way for men to treat women and the cycle will continue. He needs to move out until he can prove that he has addressed his mental health problems.

ClemDanFanGoul · 03/11/2019 15:34

How do you think your children feel right now?
Terrified
Anxious
Frightened
Worried
Scared out of their wits
Why is it acceptable for them to be made to feel like that in their home?

Beveren · 03/11/2019 15:35

As he's said he's leaving, pack his case for him and show him the door. And be happy that he's out of your life.

12345kbm · 03/11/2019 15:39

This man doesn't have anger management issues because he wouldn't be able to hold down a job or maintain any relationships if he behaved like that all the time.

You have children and they are suffering because you are choosing to remain with a man who is controlling and rages. No loving father would terrify their children like that.

I find myself rolling my eyes when people look for excuses for quite frankly, unforgivable behaviour. It doesn't matter if he's undergoing stress, depression or has a wonky eye because the end result is the same - terrified child and partner.

Abusive men and make no bones, he is abusive, escalate to raging and smashing stuff to keep you in your place. He's letting you know that it will be you next if you don't get back in your box. If this is the way you want to live, that's fine but those defenceless, terrified children didn't choose this life and they don't deserve it. You need to make plans now.

Wheat2Harvest · 03/11/2019 15:39

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666onmyhead · 03/11/2019 15:40

Omg. This is abuse and you shouldn't be even thinking about talking to him yet alone marrying him . Pack his stuff and tell him to follow through oh his threat to leave and to bugger off and never come back.

Honeybee85 · 03/11/2019 15:44

You are in an abusive relationship. I feel sorry for your DC, they saw their stuff being trashed by their mum’s angry fiancée, right in front of them.
Can you imagine how terrifying it must have been for them?

This us unforgiveable OP. Walk away. In a few months time you will thank yourself for doing so.
Certainly your DC will in time.

JK1773 · 03/11/2019 15:44

Just think about how your children feel when he’s shouting and now being physical with the property. They must be absolutely terrified. How you feel doesn’t even come close. This is totally unacceptable. You’re not protecting them! Get him out of the house as soon as you possibly can. Your children will NEVER forget what’s happened today

gamerchick · 03/11/2019 15:48

No, you're not. You're living with a man who is upset and doesn't handle it very well. Believing that you are in an abusive relationship when you're not is an invitation to victimhood

What would qualify as an abusive relationship in your book then?

gamerchick · 03/11/2019 15:50

OP this isn't right for your kids, if you allow them to witness this again and again then you're not protecting them.

It's time to get rid if he can't handle his temper.

Original poster
shas19 · 03/11/2019 15:54

@Wheat2Harvest Thanks for your useless comment but no more are needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 03/11/2019 15:56

My children love him. As do I. But this side of him is just awful. So pathetic.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2019 16:03

Anger management courses are no answer to domestic violence which is what you are describing. Your children also need to grow up in a household free of domestic abuse. You certainly cannot marry this man.

The relationship needs to be at an end now. Its over anyway because of the abuse he metes out towards you all.

Do contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself too onto their Freedom Programme.