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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse or just a bad temper?

112 replies

shas19 · 03/11/2019 15:13

I've just been screamed at by him and told hes leaving and we're done, currently hes sat upstairs.
Hes punched the conservatory doors and broken my child's chair by kicking it across the room. This is all in front of my two kids. It's not the first time hes broken stuff or shouted infront of them. All started because I told him to calm down for shouting at his mum. It was only last night we was discussing our wedding and how much he loves me and our family. I'm physically shaking. Is this just a bad temper or am I that woman that's in an abusive relationship and didn't even know it:(

OP posts:
Chottie · 03/11/2019 16:06

Please don't subject your children to any more of these awful scenes.

Do not marry this man
Do not have a baby with this man

Open the front door and let him go out of all your lives.......

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2019 16:06

You are probably confusing love here with codependency.

Such men like this individual really do hate women, all of them starting with their own mother whom I note he hates too. This is who he really is. He was probably on his best behaviour to start with and the abuse against you and in turn your kids has ramped up both gradually and over time to the point it is at now. Abuse is insidious in its onset.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your children do not so much love this man so much as fear him. They fear him and you fear him as well. You have to protect them as well as yourself from being further abused and leaving him is really your only option now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2019 16:08

He has a problem with anger but not in the ways you think he does. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his abusive behaviour.

The silent treatment now from him is a further example of emotional abuse.

Original poster
shas19 · 03/11/2019 16:12

@chottie we have two children together so no matter what hes always going to be in my life

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 03/11/2019 16:14

My exH also started with shouting and breaking things and it ended with him strangling, beating, kicking, biting, hair pulling, scratching and spitting on me.

What other posters said. Him destroying stuff means a warning. Get back in your cage or next time its you and not the kitchentable/chair/whatever.

These disgusting men do it on purpose to control you. ExH tried to dominate his DM too by starting to shout at her but she told him to stop or she would kick him out. He never did it again to her.
They can control themselves, they just choose not to if they think they will get away with it.

Chottie · 03/11/2019 18:01

@shas19
sorry, I misunderstood, I thought your DCs were yours alone from a previous relationship.

Please contact Womens Aid for advice and help. This man has shown you who he is, believe him......

Original poster
shas19 · 03/11/2019 18:15

Kids were playing in the bedroom and he came in and turned the lights off so he could go to sleep. Ended up in another row and him telling me to leave. Told him what hes doing is abuse and he laughed. Said its not. Now hes cooking dinner trying to be nice to me like hes had a personality transplant. What would I even say to womens aid. I feel so stupid like I'd be wasting their time

OP posts:
category12 · 03/11/2019 18:16

He did all this in front of your dc, which is terrifying for them, and teaching them horrible lessons about relationships and how to behave. Do you want your children to grow up to have similar relationships? You need to show them this is not something you accept and live with.

category12 · 03/11/2019 18:19

If you tell Women's Aid that he smashes stuff up in front of your dc, they will not think you are wasting their time.

Chottie · 03/11/2019 18:21

@shas19

You would not be wasting Womens Aid's time. They will listen and advise you. Just tell them everything you have told us.

The fact that your partner can behave in this manner in front of your children, shows exactly what type of man he is.

And it is not someone who could ever be a role model for a father, partner, husband or son.....

Fairylea · 03/11/2019 18:21

Women’s aid are used to abusive men manipulating and controlling those around them. What you say won’t surprise them at all. Please don’t feel you’re wasting their time.

Get out now before you’re married. It will only get worse.

katseyes7 · 03/11/2019 18:22

My ex husband used to do this. He would smash things, punch holes in doors, and actually threw a wooden stool at me when l was on crutches with a broken ankle. lt smashed in front of me, and actually dented the floor.
lt's not right your child is witnessing this. My ex witnessed his father beating up his mother when he was a child. He told me that he remembered his dad (who was a big man, over 6') punching and kicking his 5'3" mother who was backed into a corner. My ex was four at the time, and he said he tried to pull his dad away.
Your children will come to accept this as normal if you allow it to continue. My ex never hit me, but he was physically intimidating and threatening, and mentally and sexually abusive. You need to think very seriously about your relationship.

12345kbm · 03/11/2019 18:26

I'm not sure why you'd discuss it with him. He's not going to admit to being a raging, abusive arsehole.

No one should leave an abusive relationship without a safety plan. You don't necessarily need to contact WA as there are probably DV orgs in your area. You can't continue in a relationship with this man as his behaviour is getting worse. You never and I repeat, never, discuss any plans you have to leave with an abusive man. Their behaviour ramps up ten fold if they think they are losing control.

Don't discuss it with anyone apart from one or two trusted people. Start researching your rights and getting docs ready. You have to do this for your children.

cakeandchampagne · 03/11/2019 18:26

@shas19 You are in an abusive relationship.
You need to get help & get yourself and your children out.

category12 · 03/11/2019 18:40

And how will you feel if your dc copy the behaviour? How are you going to tell them off for breaking stuff in rage if daddy does it? When they're teenagers and they're screaming at you like he does?

SevenStones · 03/11/2019 18:41

He sounds like my father. He'd have uncontrollable rages and smash things - tables, my mum's favourite items, he once broke down a door.

My childhood was lived for a good part in a state of terror.

I've long term, severe psychological problems because I grew up with an angry, unpredictable, violent father. My mother allowed it all to happen for whatever crazy reason, although she did eventually split from him. She's got her share of the blame too, from my point of view.

I could never speak to anyone about it because he was otherwise a charming, laughing man with many friends and a wide social circle.

My childhood was why I ended up in an abusive relationship with my ex husband - it was what I'd seen as a child and it was my normal.

Please don't do that to your children, OP. Please leave him and show your children a steadier, non abusive life.

MrsBobDylan · 03/11/2019 18:42

You dc probably do love their Dad. And they currently love you too. However, kids grow into adults who feel pissed off that their childhoods were dominated by fear. They work out that the two people who purport to love them most in the world, failed dismally to protect them. Love isn't always unconditional.

SevenStones · 03/11/2019 18:51

I also want to say that because anger was a perfectly normal emotion when I was a child, I struggle with my own anger sometimes. Not nearly as much as when I was younger and just lost my temper any old time - I thought it was just what people did. I've had an awful lot of psychotherapy to help me with both my feelings and also working out how to try and learn to be a fully functioning adult human (unlike my parents).

And like MrsBobDylan says, I've long since worked out that neither of my parents was concerned about protecting me. Don't be that parent.

UnicornsExist · 03/11/2019 18:53

Jekyll and Hyde characters are a nightmare to live with. I bet you and the kids are constantly walking on eggshells. Is this the environment you want to bring your kids up in? I'd be inclined to pack him an overnight bag and tell him that he needs to leave.

willloman · 03/11/2019 18:59

When you are both calm call his bluff. Have a chat and tell him (and mean it) how upsetting the 'i'm leaving' routine is; tell him if he says it again you are done. Also tell him how upsetting watching his outbursts is for his children. Ask him how he plans to manage his temper? Put the ball firmly in his court. It is not up to you to persuade him to behave in any particular way. He needs to make some choices.

Elieza · 03/11/2019 20:15

That’s the kind of thing manipulators do OP. They make you feel like you are the one being silly and unreasonable so you stop having any other kind of ideas and just agree with them along the lines if ‘he’s a good guy really he’s making tea and he says he loves me’ yada yada. Defo speak to woman’s aid.

Bellringer · 03/11/2019 20:36

Anger is a normal emotion but you can talk about it. Doesn't have to be shouting and breaking things. I'd do it back to him, if I was scared to Id leave.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/11/2019 20:43

Does it really matter what label you put on it? He's scaring you. Your kids must be terrified. When you tell him how you feel, he laughs. Do you want to live like that for the rest of your life?

As for being uncontrollable and he just can't help his anger - does he smash things up at work and tells his boss to go fuck themselves every time there's an issue? If he doesn't then he clearly can control himself.

HollowTalk · 03/11/2019 20:51

I'm trying to think how my children would've reacted to this sort of violence. I think they would have been terrified. They're adult now and I imagine if I hadn't dumped someone like that immediately, it would have a big impact on their relationships.

Interestedwoman · 03/11/2019 21:14

@Wheat2Harvest Do you really think this is normal? I can assure you it's not.

Whatever you call it OP, he shouldn't be hitting and breaking things, especially in front of the kids. Please get out now. My dad was like this (not even throwing/breaking particularly, but a really volatile temper) and it was no way to grow up, and has left me with anxiety issues etc.