Is this abuse or just a bad temper?

[shas19]

I've just been screamed at by him and told hes leaving and we're done, currently hes sat upstairs.
Hes punched the conservatory doors and broken my child's chair by kicking it across the room. This is all in front of my two kids. It's not the first time hes broken stuff or shouted infront of them. All started because I told him to calm down for shouting at his mum. It was only last night we was discussing our wedding and how much he loves me and our family. I'm physically shaking. Is this just a bad temper or am I that woman that's in an abusive relationship and didn't even know it:(

This sounds just like my ex. Started with him snapping, then he started throwing things when he was angry, he went on to abuse me in other ways and mentally abuse me by making me believe his behaviour was caused by me. My dc’s were also very close to him and he was great with them 99% of the time, the final straw was him snapping at one of my dc. I’m not sure why I put up with any of it, there were times I was scared. Please leave this man before it effects your dc and destroys you. Your worth more x

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Please read. And then re-read.

No, you're not. You're living with a man who is upset and doesn't handle it very well.

Bet he handles being "upset" better at work, in public, among his friends, when dealing with authorities etc.

I'd put money on that it's only with the wee wifey and kids at home, physically weaker than him, dependant to some extent on him, tied to him & emotionally connected .... that this poor poor man has such trouble handling his emotions.

Does he shout, scream, throw furniture around etc at work, or in his mates' houses?

No, you're not. You're living with a man who is upset and doesn't handle it very well.

He is upset???
Yeah cos when I get upset I scream in people's faces punch doors/walls and destroy my kids stuff that's so normal..Oh wait....

You are talking out your are shouting at your op regularly and kicking off like that is far from normal it is abusive. Abuse is physical, mental, emotional, financial, sexual etc arc in varying forms. Or do you think he has to belt her around the room before it's classed as 'real Abuse?

Bet he doesn't react like that with his friends or at work and he only gets 'upset' at home because op 'makes him upset'.

With attitudes like this what chance have women in abusive relationships got of support to leave?

Op.if he wants to leave tell him not to.let the door hit his area on the way out. You need to be free of this man before it escalates. It will.

My ex didn't get access to my ds. He was 7 and told Cafcass he didn't want to see him. Judge agreed he had been witness to too much abuse and said no contact.

He’s abusing you then gaslighting you by saying it’s not abuse. Seems typical of the abusive relationships I see recounted on here all the time. Of course it’s abusive! Women’s Aid will help you, OP.

Thank you all for your replies. I'm going to give them a call today. Last night he apologised and said it was "because I was so angry". Just feel numb atm. Didn't say anything really when he was apologising I just dont have the energy for him. It's like he thinks he can just sweep it under the carpet. My dad used to do this to my mum. Except I watched him punch her across the front room and even put his hunting rifle to both of our heads then continued to beat my mum when she wouldn't give him the bullets. Was a regular occurrence my dad being violent. Used to terrify me. The feeling I had when that used happened is the feeling I had last night, its sickening. Eggshells is also an understatement, if his mood is mad then the whole house knows about it. Sounds so cliche but when we're good we're so good. He can be so lovely and make me feel safe. But then on the other hand make me feel so vulnerable! Like I said I'm going to give them a call and see what my options are. Thank you for all taking the time to give me advice!

shas19

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and you learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up. Unfortunately as often happens also you went on yourself to subconsciously choose a man just like your own violent father was and remains.

Going to present day what do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. The nice/nasty cycle that such abusers display is a continuous one. They could well grow up to choose abusive partners themselves as you have indeed done. This is no legacy to leave them, you are not safe emotionally with this man. You are on high alert all the time and are in a state of trauma bonding and it is only when you are out of this completely will you perhaps come to realise the full extent to how you were abused within this marriage. He will also remain obstructive and abusive towards you post divorce as well.

Always remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Do call Womens Aid and The Rights of Women organisations today if you are able.

HE is solely responsible for his abusive behaviour here; you did not drive him to do it or "make him feel angry". This is what abusive men often say about their chosen target. He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours towards you and in turn your DC.

Is your mother still with her abuser?.

No-one thought it fit sadly to protect you from seeing abuse within the home and it has affected you markedly in both life and relationships. You cannot do that same thing to your children now.

Please call the police, for yourself and the children. Watching abuse is abuse- it won't get better. Please seek support, you're not to blame for this bullying behaviour.

Please make sure you tell your gp what's going on at home, and anybody else involved with your family. Your partner's behaviour belongs only to him and it is not your fault.

Women's Aid are fantastic. You should be able to find a local branch. The National Helpline is brilliant and they are very good at calling back when you leave a message.

You may also find Rights of Women useful.

So many survivors of domestic abuse have lived with it for years and years, undermining themselves all the way, minimising the behaviour, believing it's only a blip. It's not. Abusers get worse.

You can break free and start turning this ship around. You have witnessed terrible things which are emphatically not your fault.

If you are able to join the Freedom Programme, it's brilliant. There are loads of videos on youtube about narcissism and domestic abuse. It's a bit of a head full. The extent of abuse is truly frightening and it isn't a path anyone would deliberately take. There are so many women in your position and masses of support to help you through.

Yes, you and your kids are living in an abusive relationship. Please talk to women's aid and potentially your doctor. You are not wasting anyone's time. It's very difficult to resolve the two different people mindset, but please don't try to reason or explain how you feel to him...he has already given himself permission to treat you all in this way. That, sadly, is the real person. Stay safe.

Please don't allow your children to witness this and believe that this is normal, you've seen first hand the amount of damage it can do

If your child was scared because of fireworks, because of something they saw on the street, your first instinct would be to remove and then comfort them. Do that. They need you to be their advocate.

If for no other reason than your DC, speak to someone, quickly. This is NOT normal.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my mums isn't. That's what I told him last night, all started because I told him to calm down and stop shouting at his mum and he said I should be on his side. Its like he doesn't realise the way he acts affect me and our kids, well I say my kids but my son dismt even bat and eye lid not did my daughter. When he left my son just asked where he had gone and then carried on as he was. I wasnt even angry when he was shouting I just told him to stop because theres no need for it, all the shouting and breaking things.

@5LeafClover honestly it's like two different people. I took myself upstairs for a cry and he came in asking me to help with dinner? Just like hed forgotten what just happened

Just read the link for why does he do that and my God. Some of the things written is literally my life. The bit about he calls me names then an hour later wants sex. That is my life. I'm honestly shell shocked I never noticed all these little things before

OP, so does he scram and yell and throw things at work or around friends as well? or is the 'loss of control' saved for family only?

I couldn't live like that. It isn't normal, but it seems as if it is normal for your kids. That's really sad.

well I say my kids but my son dismt even bat and eye lid not did my daughter. When he left my son just asked where he had gone and then carried on as he was.

This is chilling. Your children think this is how men behave to women in relationships. They will replicate this when they are older unless you change it now. Talk to women's aid to start with. Good luck OP.

Sorry but yo nerf to get this man away from your children. Don't let them grow up thinking this is normal.

The screaming. The temper. The breaking things. The silent treatment. This is all abusive. x

Sorry but you need.... was meant to say!

It's a huge and hideous eye-opener when we begin to realise the extent of abuse and the danger we put ourselves in. Abusers are very predictable. Round and round and round they go. My ex didn't do love. He was pretty good at rape though. Consent is irrelevant when they think of you as an object like a spoon or a lawnmower. I know it's really odd to ask consent from a thing you are going to use. I realised eventually that when my ex called me dreadful things it was absolutely what he thought of me. Just a thing with bumps and holes for him to do at as he pleased.

Abusers do not improve. They are likened to an addict, always in need of supply. They have had a lifetime of practice so there's no point in trying to argue with them. You will get there and make a safe environment for yourself and your children. Tread carefully and make your situation known. You have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of. Abusers are like heat-seeking missiles.

OP I know how confusing the 'smiley smiley' afterwards is, but it's also part of the abuse. He is deciding that it's all over now and your feelings are not important...it also means that you have to disrupt the atmosphere if you even want to voice what occurred, which of course if you do you'll get more of the same so you don't.

If you watch when he's doing the smiley smiley trick, you might see that it's almost a challenge to you to deny the reality...or it might be too bright, too fake, too quick. Horrible. Instead, watch your own reactions to what happened. How many days will it be before you could bounce back to normal?

It's the cycle of abuse. Tension builds, explosion, honeymoon, tension builds, explosion, honeymoon...

Some survivors actually kick off to trigger violence because they can't stand the tension and just want it over and done with. They want to get to the honeymoon phase where he is nice and apologises and promises everything will be all right and he'll change. He never does though because he's abusive and abusers don't change.

You're copying your parents dynamic, I don't suppose you need me to tell you that. You've married someone just like your dad and his behaviour will be just as bad and those children will suffer like you did.

Please get yourself out of there safely.