Is this abuse or just a bad temper?

[shas19]

I've just been screamed at by him and told hes leaving and we're done, currently hes sat upstairs.
Hes punched the conservatory doors and broken my child's chair by kicking it across the room. This is all in front of my two kids. It's not the first time hes broken stuff or shouted infront of them. All started because I told him to calm down for shouting at his mum. It was only last night we was discussing our wedding and how much he loves me and our family. I'm physically shaking. Is this just a bad temper or am I that woman that's in an abusive relationship and didn't even know it:(

I’m in agreement with the other posters. This isn’t a good sign and I also think his behaviour will snowball into something much worse once you’re married

Yes he's abusive and he's doing what abusers do, he's escalating. This will get worse and worse until you're dead or you leave/throw him out.

I, like too many women here, can hand on heart tell you that this is goes. Drip, drip, drip of escalating anger and aggression and violence and you constantly walking on eggshells to not trigger it. Too many of us have walked this path. Get yourself and your children away now before he damages you all further.

Well here we go again. Asked me to check his online statement and because it's less than he thought 'I've pissed him off'. For telling me how much money he has? So no doubt when he gets in it will either be silent treatment or a row. Hoping its the silent treatment tbh. I've turned my mobile data off so he cant text me, he wont call me in public and it's clear he saves the abuse for when he gets in. The comment about consent is interesting. The other week he wanted to have sex and because I said no he told me he didn't want to be near me the next day. I feel like now I'm just waiting for it to get physical, I hope it doesn't

I am going through the same, partner punching holes into walls, breaking doors, insults, suicide threats in front of our 4 year old daughter, telling me to take my responsibility for the argument, pushing for sex to "make-up", etc. I told him on saturday I am leaving, I took him completely by surprise. Now its all tears and regrets, saying he will book couples therapy, which I have refused, saying my decision is final. I almost feel free already. Visiting flat this week, no regrets at leaving beautiful house behind with him in it. You can do it too, plan ahead, find out about housing help and benefits if you need them and when you feel brave go! Once I heard of the cycle of abuse I knew I couldn't keep forgiving and moving on, I realised he would never change. I explained to him what he was doing and that if it ever happened again, I would be gone. It did and I can't wait. It has taken me a year and a half to get my head around it, it will take time. I'm doing it for my daughter, I will no longer tolerate it.

@freedom19 well done you. Hes just walked through the door and I have the lump in my throat feeling already. Hes gone straight upstairs and started running a bath. I've stuck by this man through everything, picked him over my family which wasnt actually his doing- my mum is absolutely mad so better off without. Helped him with his debts that I'm helping him pay off, even had bailiffs at the door on my birthday ffs. Hes now slamming stuff about and has ignored ds when he was trying to talk to him. So sad:(

Can you pack a bag and take the dc somewhere for the night?

@freedom2019 sorry using the app I replied underneath

I’ve been there with the Jekyll and Hyde thing and the anger and I have to agree with the other posters. You can’t thrive in that sort of relationship OP, and it will get worse the more shitty behaviour he gets away with, the more he will push.

He will laugh and he will justify his behaviour it’s what they do.

My ExP used to hit the couch next to my Dd to scare her in to stopping crying when she was a few weeks/months old. He used to justify that action saying he’s not hitting the child so it’s not abuse. Absolutely terrifying and threatening.

I’m glad I left with her (with nothing!) she’s thriving now and she hasn’t been brought up in a domestically loaded household. She’s been brought up in a home of laughter, cuddles and love.

Seriously consider your options and your future here OP. I know he’s going to be in your life anyway regardless. But at least you can still choose the option that will give you a chance of happiness without being in the relationship with him.

@sunflowersok that's awful! Glad youbkeft him. The worst thing is when we're good, or should I say when hes good I'm happy. So happy. I love him so much which is the worst bit.

@Freedom2019 massive congrats for getting out and standing up for yourself

@shas19. Terrible! But you know what OP, I read your post and immediately thought ‘that’s worse that what I went through’

I loved him too I really did.

I also loved the next partner who came along and justified his emotional and threatening abuse for four years.

But nothing compares to the love I have for my current partner who is nothing but supportive, kind, caring and is my number one fan. When you have someone is worthy, everything else you thought you felt turns to dust. There’s so much out there for you Op, and your children. There really is

@shas19 that’s worse than*

I love him so much which is the worst bit.

But he doesn't love you. Love does not involve screaming and smashing things up and it certainly doesn't involve fear.

Give your love to your children instead because they're the ones who truly love you and need you to protect them from this environment.

@sunflowersok I'm sitting here thinking about the things I thought weren't a problem but they really are. Little things such as last year I went out with a friend for drinks, he obviously was annoyed I'd gone out and text me late telling me I needed to put the dishwasher on when I got in? Or telling me to it was fine to go out then asking what it feels like to be single because I was out. If I say to him hes controlling he tells me hes not. I cant win. Juat like yesterday I told him what hes doing is abusive and he laughed saying its not.

Bin him he’s abusive my ex was like this unless he gets help for his temper itl never change you deserve better

@shas19 isn’t it shocking how many things you can think of that’s happened over time when you sit down with yourself and it all comes to light!

I feel that you are pretty clued up over who he is and what’s going on here. Abusers will never admit they are abusive. You’ll never win in that way. But you can win by putting yourself first and putting your happiness and children first and breaking away.

Detaching helps until you find an exit strategy.

What are your thoughts now? What do you plan on doing about it?

@sunflowersok it's really shocking. All these little things I'm thinking off. I called womens aid and arranged a call back as when I finally got through he was nearly home. Just cant believe its happening to me

Well done! No one ever does. No one sets out to be in an abusive relationship. You had poor role models growing up in your parents but you are not prepared to let your children suffer like you did. Well done OP. You're strong enough to do this.

@shas19 you could give him a kidney it wouldn't stop his behaviour. It isn't about what you do for him, he will do all of that regardless. It is hard to identify the little signs because they seem so insignificant but they cause tension and when you stick up for yourself he can blame you for the argument and crisis. There is no way to win that game. I'm glad people are calling this abuse because where I live (abroad) people didn't seem to think it was such a big deal. It is and you shouldnt put up with it. Keep going, one step at a time, you are worth so much more!

It sounds like a pretty volatile home environment and children pick up on that very quickly, become fearful and anxious. I think you need to have a serious conversation about his behaviour and think hard yourself about whether you can or want to live like this. It don't know if it abusive per se but it must make you walk on egg shells and it sounds pretty grim and frightening.

So if it's not abusive why do I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and frightened? I see what you're saying but out of all of these comments there been two people including you saying its not?

Well done OP. It's not a path that anyone would choose. Really it's not! However there is lots of support along the track to keep you from falling. It is truly a shocking revelation.

Please don't tell your partner anything. It's not worth mentioning his behaviour. He will use it against you. You aren't dealing with a person who thinks like a normal person. Have you heard of Grey Rock? Abusers don't have a point that they won't stoop below to cause you harm. It's really difficult to compute. No amount of abuse is acceptable.

@midsomermurderess in my experience it isn't really worth discussing it. For somebody to react in anger by breaking things in front of children there has to be something pretty wrong going on in their head. It isn't just a normal argument between two people who respect each other. One is trying to dominate the other through physical violence, causing fear. Thats pretty abusive. Especially when there are children involved.

I maybe don't have a good sense around that freedom. I was brought up in a volatile and angry household, not deliberately abusive but little self-control or awareness of the effects on us children. I do know I felt scared and anxious a lot and it's not how you want to raise children. The effects are long lasting.

I grew up in a house like this, things being thrown, verbal and emotional abuse, he hit my mum a few times but I never saw that as she made it clear she wouldn't tolerate it, so it moved onto me. I was always afraid to be near him or talk to him because I knew it would end up in aggression or violence. Being part of that kind of life as a child, scars you and it's something that still affects me in my 30's.
Please remove yourself and your child from the situation. Don't end up like my DM, still stuck in a marriage because she feels she is far too old to leave now and don't let your child live in fear or end up like me, still an anxious wreck in their 30's.
It's going to be incredibly hard I know, but know you're doing it for your DS as well as yourself.