Upset drifting apart from sister

[PookieDo]

I have a Dsis and we both have children, but they are very different ages (Mine are older) and we now live 40 odd miles apart from each other.

Before she had children we were very close. When I had DC she joined in a lot of our family outings and experiences. She was very close to my DC and we spent a lot of time together, we also socialised together on nights our or nights in, either just us or with friends.

Despite the age gap our DC all really love each other, have a lot of fun together and my DC are very helpful with the little ones. So there are NO issues there. We have both helped each other with childcare as well, but this is rare now - I don’t need it anymore and she doesn’t ask me very often, although I’ve never said no and have made it clear I can help.

Since she has had her own children a few years ago, I feel more and more distance between us. She never ever invites us to go on fun family day trips (where we would happily pay our own way and make our own way there). We also aren’t invited to any parties/gatherings and I end up seeing things on social media that I think ‘that would have been great fun to join in’ and I feel a bit sad about it. She never invites me to socialise ever now, and I haven’t spent any alone time with her now for about 2 or 3 years even though I have suggested it. She doesn’t call or text very much either, if I call her she never answers the phone.

We do see them once a month or once every 6 weeks, and this is usually a last minute plan - she will suddenly announce she is free, and come to visit where we all sit indoors at my house for a few hours

I understand she has small kids, is busy, and I also understand she clearly values family time without us joining in, which is fine. But I have no idea if I should tell her how I feel, or just say nothing and let it go?

I don’t know why it upsets me seeing the great fun times on SM ‘making memories’ that we are never included in, whether she doesn’t actually like me very much or has just forgotten us. I have a small family and I’m single, so I don’t know if I am being unreasonable in my expectations? Should I say something? I don’t want to cause a scene either if I am just being over sensitive

To add, my DC have also noticed this now they are older and have social media and have also asked me why they don’t get invited and I don’t know what to say really.

Why don’t you ask her?
I have a very close relationship with my DB, we speak weekly, we don’t see each other as much, but we’re the first port of call for both of us. I wouldn’t let that much time pass. Just come out with it: what’s up, you?

I don’t feel like I would turn to her with a problem anymore - she wouldn’t answer the phone if I rang her and would probably forget to call back. I don’t know why I haven’t said anything - it’s obvious we aren’t included as she will often send the photos to a family group chat (DM and I) as she is trying to share the photo, but clearly doesn’t want to share the experience

I have children; my sister doesn't.
From my kids being born to being in their 20s we hardly saw each other. Now (my kids are in their 40s) we talk most weeks and see each other every couple of months. She lives 3 hours away from me and we have very different lifestyles as she has a partner, a large house and a foreign holiday every couple of months whereas I am on a very limited income. That doesn't matter in the slightest. We are very close.

Obviously you have to ask. Do it gently and diplomatically. It's probably just a misunderstanding.

What’s her OH like? Are other family members (DM any other siblings?) included in the activities? Is it all new mummy friends / local neighbors that she has now built her life around.

Do you invite them to do activities with you??

@Hecateh

I just think it will be ruined by then, there will be nothing left between us if it’s forced.

I don’t know what to actually say or start the conversation off
I have said more than once that I have been collecting Tesco club card vouchers so I change them up for 4x the value on a day out for us all, and to let me know when she is free and what she would like to do. Then she went to the theme park we discussed without us last week anyway

How much younger are her kids compared to yours? To be honest if her ones are tiny and yours are teens for example, a lot of joint activities involving the kids might not make sense.

I’m really emotional about this just typing it

Her OH - when things started to change when she met him, but it wouldn’t be fair to say he’s the reason

She doesn’t like our parents and that’s one issue as DM also wants to be included

I don’t know if I am ‘punished’ because I seem to come along with a package with DM who would also want to be included

It just ends up feeling like we all sit around waiting for her to dictate when we can see them

They are really generous as well, they aren’t mean people

This is v sad for all of the children. Hers will unconditionally love their older cousins and yours sound lovely. Does she exclude you from birthdays? Does it need to be as complicated as a theme park? Often those types of days are not really intimate or bonding anyway.
When she comes to yours does she take the children? Could you make that as magical as possible? Loads of opportunities with Xmas season coming up ..... baking ginger bread cookies, decorating ginger bread house, taking them to a Xmas market, carol service, panto etc.

Even if she excludes you from her mummy social world - she should come to events that you organise for your DCs birthday etc that she is invited to.

She doesn’t get along with DM right now, but to see you, you set it up so she would have to see DM also?

You including your DM is the issue!!!

Why do you have to include DM???

Has she had issues with your DP before the OH was on the scene?
When she took part in all of your family stuff was he part of that and was your DM?

Why does she have an issue with your DM?
Would you be prepared to do stuff with her family and yours and not include your DM?

I don’t come with my DM attached, but DM would be upset if Dsis and I did something without her. But I think this is only made worse by the very limited contact she has with us all now. We also don’t have to tell DM if we did something without her, or just explain it wasn’t suitable and she wouldn’t enjoy it. Dsis has put me in the DM bracket and kills 2 birds with 1 stone by visiting every 6 weeks. This is a shame

She didn’t invite us to the children’s parties this year we exchanged gifts on another day. I don’t know why, no one questioned it. I don’t know if it was numbers or that she feels we aren’t suitable to attend 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes the DC are older but mine and are very good with small kids, love Disney etc and are great fun, they will play any game with them, they are also responsible enough to take them to the toilet for instance etc.

They go to a lot of big exciting places like theme parks, museums, they have parties etc and it’s all separate from us.

We will have Christmas but every year that goes by now I start feeling like they are doing it out of duty, not enjoyment and I think deep down they wish we weren’t coming!

It sounds like you need to offer meeting up without your mother and also not bringing up your mother in conversation if you want to have a relationship with her.

I have been in the same situation a few years ago. I was so close to my sister. I ended up having a row with her and us both crying but it didn't change anything. In the end you just have to let go of your expectations. Once I did that things did improve.

They way I think about it now is that I just let go and I just take what she can offer me. I didn't want to fall out. I am not another one of her children that she has to think about. She is living her own life and it is very busy, if we can get together once a month thats great. I'll concentrate on my own life. Our relationship is much better now and it changed because I changed my mindset.

Take the pressure off, enjoy her company when you have it. Things will improve as the children get older.

Yes she took part with DM before, and without DM. DM is overbearing and annoying around DC - we don’t have to include her even though she gets upset.

But Dsis includes us together, I never see her without DM even if I suggest it. I haven’t seen her without my DM for at least 2 years, haven’t seen my Dsis without kids for that long too.

Sorry cross post but you still need to show that you are distinct from your mother to her.

I also don’t understand why you’re so fixated on the big days out having to be a shared thing. Perhaps they just want to spend time as a family without having to worry about including everyone else’s wishes especially with the age difference between the children.

@Northernlass99

Thanks yes that’s it. I don’t want a row and I hate the idea I am another burden. I’m just sad about what was once so close is now pretty shit, and there probably isn’t much I can do to fix it.

I don’t pressure her - I rarely call her anymore, but I needed to yesterday to ask something and she didn’t call me back at all. I don’t make comments to her about it, I leave her alone, don’t harass her and just make some suggestions sometimes that never come to anything.

I don’t think saying anything will help anyone, like you say I just need to accept what we had has now gone and I’m more sad about it than she is

@Rainbowshine

No they aren’t, and a day out once a year would be nice I suppose, rather than never. But my DC would also like a theme park and we’ve all talked about it, I can pay for us all in vouchers as I had offered. They went anyway and didn’t invite us.

It’s not just days out it’s anything social. Parties too

I would message her and say "I would love us to spend time together without DM, either with or without the DC. What would work for you?"

Give her the chance, she may have forgotten how much she enjoys spending time with you without the presence of DM...

Also just reading through your original post again you said I have a small family and I’m single, so I don’t know if I am being unreasonable in my expectations?

Are you expecting her to fill a gap in your life? Do you feel that’s what you did for her before she had her partner and children and now she’s not “reciprocating” that’s not sitting comfortably with you?

I miss her, I think that’s normal? She’s been an amazing sister, so helpful, generous, supportive, kind and fun. Now it’s stopped I feel sad about it. It’s not like when a friendship goes weird and you stop seeing each other with a phase out, she’s a relative so it’s kind of grinding along awkwardly. I love her kids so much, I miss them too! I get so much enjoyment out of seeing our kids together having fun, they love each other a lot. I’m just sad.

I mean this kindly, could she just be busy being a parent of young children and just not have the time and energy for organising wider family events especially if your mother is “overbearing”. I know that with work, house stuff, children for the first few years of DS life I was probably more insular and didn’t socialise as much because I was simply knackered!