Upset drifting apart from sister

[PookieDo]

I have a Dsis and we both have children, but they are very different ages (Mine are older) and we now live 40 odd miles apart from each other.

Before she had children we were very close. When I had DC she joined in a lot of our family outings and experiences. She was very close to my DC and we spent a lot of time together, we also socialised together on nights our or nights in, either just us or with friends.

Despite the age gap our DC all really love each other, have a lot of fun together and my DC are very helpful with the little ones. So there are NO issues there. We have both helped each other with childcare as well, but this is rare now - I don’t need it anymore and she doesn’t ask me very often, although I’ve never said no and have made it clear I can help.

Since she has had her own children a few years ago, I feel more and more distance between us. She never ever invites us to go on fun family day trips (where we would happily pay our own way and make our own way there). We also aren’t invited to any parties/gatherings and I end up seeing things on social media that I think ‘that would have been great fun to join in’ and I feel a bit sad about it. She never invites me to socialise ever now, and I haven’t spent any alone time with her now for about 2 or 3 years even though I have suggested it. She doesn’t call or text very much either, if I call her she never answers the phone.

We do see them once a month or once every 6 weeks, and this is usually a last minute plan - she will suddenly announce she is free, and come to visit where we all sit indoors at my house for a few hours

I understand she has small kids, is busy, and I also understand she clearly values family time without us joining in, which is fine. But I have no idea if I should tell her how I feel, or just say nothing and let it go?

I don’t know why it upsets me seeing the great fun times on SM ‘making memories’ that we are never included in, whether she doesn’t actually like me very much or has just forgotten us. I have a small family and I’m single, so I don’t know if I am being unreasonable in my expectations? Should I say something? I don’t want to cause a scene either if I am just being over sensitive

OP it sounds like your sister has built a different life and her family of origin makes her feel drained these days - but she tries to do the duty visits. She sounds like she has fairly limited emotional vocab and resources - like, she doesn't know how to talk to her loved ones about her feelings and come up with compromises. So of course its awkward.

Every 6 weeks is actually great. I see my sister once a year, I organize it. She stopped speaking to me and then moved 100s of miles away when I left my ex. From her pov I broke the rules and no longer fit in with her understanding of what a family is so I'm persona non grata basically. I also used to be her go to person in a crisis, etc. All in the past now.

I send cards and gifts and texts on special days, organize one nice day out a year so my DC can see their aunt and cousins... and I cry about it less and less over time.

Do what you can op but also let her go. I know it's incredibly hard. Xx

@rvby

So harsh of your sister.
I hope you're building a good life for you and yours now.

I actually had a good day. I think it was good to get off my chest some of my internal feelings - I felt lighter when I woke up this morning for it, weirdly.

I didn’t talk to her about this because everyone was around and it didn’t seem the right time or place, but I will. We had a lovely moment though where we spent some time alone (Like 10 mins) and instead of feeling sad about missing it, I just tried to enjoy it for what it was. I also tried to enjoy the DC instead of thinking about what I had missed out on. I think changing that mindset has helped me

DM wasn’t very annoying either for once!

Good update.
It is good to talk and get some perspective.

I’m bewildered by some of the responses you have got on that thread, OP. You sound very thoughtful, measured and emotionally intelligent. Not demanding, needy or bitter in the least. Many of the posts from LovePoppy, RainbowShine and Innishh are very strange - they seem to be blatantly projecting their own issues and situations onto you. Such an unhelpful thing to do.

It does seem sad how things are now with your sister. Although good to read your update. Perhaps give your new acceptance a little time to settle in, and then see how you feel about possibly raising some aspect of this with her? Would it be appropriate to say that it would be good to get the cousins together more, before yours have left home etc? This just may open a chink of communication and honesty with her. I don’t mean ‘using’ the kids as a way in (it’s clear you wouldn’t do that!) but addressing one of the aspects that bothers you, while keeping away from the directly personal ‘you and her’ relationship.
Are you able to keep up a relationship with her children directly? Or are they too young? I know that my sister has been much more important to me than I am to her and I was able - after some painful times - to drop my expectations and hopes, which did help. I stay in touch with my nephews directly by text and presents. I adore them. But, as a PP suggested, in a lot of ways my sister is not the person I had thought and hoped she was, and I simply have to accept that. There may also be an element of that in your situation.

I think this is really common, sad as it is to hear from others such as yourself.

I was always so proud (smug? 😂) that I had such an excellent relationship with Dsis that not many people are lucky enough to have.

I didn’t go to uni and neither did she, so we did some of the legendary escapade night out stuff together. Then we did more meaningful things - she was the legendary aunty and at all my children’s firsts - and you know, the 2nd person I wanted to hand my newborn baby over to etc. So I was probably ill prepared for the lack of reciprocation and I’ve been on a slow decline of wondering what I have done wrong and it may just be she wants to do all that with her partner, and not me, and I just have to accept it and not be hurt by it.

I have a lovely RS with her DC, I am good with kids and it’s not forced in any way, I just wish I had been part of lots of their first things too. But I wasn’t and I can live with it.

I have struggled with DM over bearingness - I did not get to even hold Dsis children for some time because DM was a baby hogger , but the DC chose for themselves unsurprisingly and neither of them will hug or kiss her at ALL 😂

I do want to raise it but I need to really think about how I say it and when - now we never spend any time alone, there are always people around and it’s not very comfortable. I don’t really want to send a text. I will need to think of something to suggest to do just us 2 but be prepared she might still turn me down. She was very excited to tell me all of her very exciting plans for 2020 about all of the places she is going, I’ve probably reached that fuddy duddy stage now where I am not particularly exciting, don’t have much of that kind of excitement going on and we are not on the same page. It’s not just about social circles, but money as they all think nothing about going off to Vegas something I would not want to do anyway. Maybe she was keeping me young and I am in actual fact very boring 😂
I’m much more into being at home, being homely and making do, and she is into having nice new things and going nice places. We are different