I did meet with H on Wednesday to have the talk. I didn't feel up to posting about it and then had to go off on a course to london which is why I haven't been around...
Well, we talked and it was strange. I find it so much easier when I don't see him. Seeing him just brings back all of my feelings for him and it's so difficult.
I said I thought the time had come where we should consider divorce, or at least legal separation, because we both need to move on and I don't feel able to do that whilst I am still his wife and still hanging onto some shred of hope that he will go back to being the man I married.
He got upset, and said he didn't feel ready for divorce. But couldn't say why. Whether it was just he was scared of making that big, final step. Or whether it was because deep down he still wants to work things out.
And this is exactly the attitude that I've had enough of. He should know how lucky he is to be married to me (not in a big-headed way!!), but he should know what he wants and be fighting for it. But he isn't. And that's all I need to know really.
I just can't live in limbo anymore and I made that really clear. I know it's going to have to be me who takes the final step though. I think perhaps legal separation is the way to go for now until I get the strength myself to make that final break. Even now he is being a selfish coward and leaving me to make the decisions and be the strong one. I'm fed up of it I want to be looked after for once
Things with NM have been great. Am seeing him pretty much every day He's an absolute gentleman, so understanding about ds, really listens to me and makes me feel special and wanted. He is absolutely great.
Just he's not H And nobody will have that bond that H and I have. Even now. It's hard to get past that.
But maybe it's a good thing that he's not H! Because look where that got me!
Am trying to take my own advice and just live each day as it comes (thanks pc!). Not worry too much about next week, next month, next year... just enjoy feeling special and wanted and happy for once!
I never thought I'd get through this christmas with the memories of what H put me through last year. But I'm already so excited about it and I think NM is giving me that hope and happiness. I just don't want to mess him about. It's so hard. I know my head's not quite in the right place and NM deserves to have me 100% and not 90% with him but 10% wanting H back... I need to sort out my head I think!!