Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NEW FAB AND GLAM

952 replies

Dior · 17/08/2007 13:32

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Baffy · 17/10/2007 14:33

macd I think you are right. I know it is scary (understatement!), but surely the time has come to decide one way or the other? deciding it is over will be awful - but surely no worse than the way you are living now?
And if he does want to come back, then maybe you could trial it out and get him back and settled before the baby arrives.

Either way you are better off knowing and moving on one way or the other.

Paddlechick666 · 17/10/2007 14:33

baffy, are you in my head!

mac, everything baffy just said!

you are doing so well. i understand that with everythign you've got on your plate you shy away from making a decision about h. i totally understand that.

sugar, you'll get thru it. you're H must know not to mess with you or your affections ever again. he knows the consequences if he does eh!

Paddlechick666 · 17/10/2007 14:34

baffy, yes I know I ought to text him and tell him but I am now so entrenched in ignoring him that I'mn not sure I can even do that!

Baffy · 17/10/2007 14:37

pc yes I think we are all becoming one person... the collective strength will surely help us all sort things out one day! I hope!

I know what you mean about wanting to keep up ignoring him - has his son got his dad's mobile number? Can you just respond and say everything is fine and 'why don't you give your dad a quick call if you fancy a chat, I'm sure he'd love to hear from you' type of thing...
Does he not regularly keep in touch with him either?

Paddlechick666 · 17/10/2007 14:40

yes i told him to send a text.

my paranoia makes me wonder if it's his mother pretending to be him but given what he's just told me all about his xbox game then perhaps not!

i know he took them on holiday in august. last i heard the access was supposed to be ad-hoc but the ex plays fast and loose with that and of course doesn't tell the kids.....

Baffy · 17/10/2007 14:45

PC I was going to say send a text but then I wondered if a 10 year old would have a mobile - how old do I sound!
Must be because I'm nearly 30!!

Which reminds me - if anyone is up for a nice girlie holiday for my 30th then let me know... Vegas, Hawaii, Bahamas... All sensible ideas like that will be considered

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 15:03

What about that double decker bus we were going to hire many moons ago? I don't fancy driving it but i will be a clippie, except I will serve drinks instead of tickets

PC - I don't think that was paranoia (thinking it was h mother) i thought along similar lines when i read your post.

You are doing great! Stay strong!

PS Baffy, that was a lovely post about you recognising that you took dh for granted etc, that post smacks of a woman who has come such a long way xx

Baffy · 17/10/2007 15:07

thanks TFM

I forgot about the bus! There is no way you'd be serving drinks though - as 'chief teabag officer' (can't remember the proper name) then I think you would most definitely have to be sitting with your feet up and having drinks brought to you the whole time (whilst eating grapes and being fanned by a gorgeous hunky bloke of course)

Original poster
Dior · 17/10/2007 15:37

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Baffy · 17/10/2007 15:43

we'll have one each

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 15:51

The Teabag Trip! With lot's of Totty! Sounds a good idea to me. It would be a birthday to remember wouldn't it!

Paddlechick666 · 17/10/2007 15:53

well, i think dss's mum was probably on hand thru the converstation. just a couple of things that make me think she may have prompted him once or twice. on the whole tho i think it was just him. home sick from school.

am weighing up whether to contact h or not...

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 16:15

Are you thinking of contacting him because he has pulled at your heart strings or because you need to?

Would it be the 'old PC' contacting him or the 'new PC'

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 16:18

Contacting him might just fill a need you have right now but, what will it serve in the long term?

Plus, don't forget, once you have made contact he will be receiving the 'green light', he will almost likely think he has achieved his aim and all in the garden is rosy again. You might just find yourself back to square one.

But, you must do whatever you feel is right for you.

Paddlechick666 · 17/10/2007 16:23

yeah i know.

in one sense it's a great "excuse" to contact him so i acknowledge what you're saying.

on the other hand, i feel a duty to dss to tell him that dss wants to see him.

that is further complicated by not wanting to "distract" H by reminding him of his other kids and his responsibility towards them.

how evil does that make me!

i feel like i'm letting dss down if i don't tell H. but dss has his own mobile and i gave him his email addy so......

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 16:28

You are not responsible for h relationship with his ds. You are only responsible for your relationship with dss. If anyone should be concerned about h's relationship with ds then it should be dss's mum.

You don't need an excuse to contact h. If you really want to contact him then you can but, I wouldn't contact him with regard to dss as then he will have discovered your weak point. He may use dss in the future to get a reaction out of you.

What, in your heart of hearts are you wanting to happen. No bulls* now!

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 16:30

By the way, you don't sound evil, you sound normal! And what you have given dss by means of email address ect is perfect. You have done your bit

Baffy · 17/10/2007 16:34

pc I agree, you've done your bit and that is all you can do

don't let dss be the reason you contact him. if you decide to make contact, then make it about you and dd.

he's fully aware af all of his responsibilities, and he doesn't need any reminders from you does he. agree also that he could then see dss as a 'weakness' in you and use it.

you've done your bit. you have enough to worry about xx

Paddlechick666 · 17/10/2007 16:35

yep, you're totally right again! i was honest with dss and said i know it's sad not seeing daddy and that he should text him and/or email him. i did say that dd doesn't see him much either. he asked if dd's birthday was late october which kinda made me suspicious of if his mother was on his shoulder.

what i want is the impossible really. to scrub the last 2.5 yrs and have the family i thought i was getting when we hooked up and made our decisions about the future.

failing that, at the moment i want never to have him in my life again.

what i don't want is more upset and heartache and stress which is almost always what happens when H and I are actually in contact. i get on edge and my tolerance levels plummet when i am constantly anxious over whether he will do what he says he will etc.

i am a better/happier mummy when we are not in contact that's for sure.

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 16:35

but we do know how hard all this must be for you, we do understand xx

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 16:39

You don't want him ever in your life again because you don't want all the hurt and the pain again.

This isn't the end of your relationship with h. You my love are just at the beginning of a very different relationship with him where all the dynamics have changed.

It might not happen overnight, it might be a lot of hard work and need a lot of strength but what you really want is not impossible! xx

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 16:42

I just want to buy a big house and have you all come live with me so I can help you all!

Paddlechick666 · 17/10/2007 16:46

I'm telling you, you should start a retreat TFM!

You give me hope

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 16:51

There is hope PC. Your H isn't a bad man, he is just stupid! and selfish!

He has been used to being able to do what he pleases, when he pleases, then welcomed back with open arms. All of his bad behaviour has been rewarded. Well, now you are about to teach him that only good behaviour will be rewarded.

One day PC, you are going to have the relationship you truly deserve all your hard work will pay off xx

TimeForMe · 17/10/2007 16:54

Don't be sad thinking it's over, be excited at the thought of a new beginning. You have the power to make it happen and make it happen exactly how you would like.