NEW FAB AND GLAM

[Dior]

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why do i feel so crap about ignoring him?

dd is 2 in just under 3 weeks and i'm even starting to feel guilty that his parents haven't seen her since her 1st birthday.

haven't heard from his mother in weeks and if i do speak to her it's me calling her.

i feel so bad for dd in all of this....

You feel bad because you are a good person who cares about other people.

But Do NOT feel bad about his parents not seeing dd - that is his guilt and he should be feeling it. In fact - they know where you live. So if they haven't made the effort to see her then that's their loss. Why should you have to worry about everyone else. You have enough to worry about!

I know what you mean about it being sad for dd though. It's often the children who lose out in things like this
If only their selfish pathetic weak fathers could realise that for themselves.

(hello btw - first day gone well. and have fitted in a few sneaky looks on here so I can't complain )

oi! how'd you manage to get on here on your very first day! and facebook!!!!

thanks for the support tho, i know i shouldn't have to worry about them but it's not for their sake but for dd's. and a little for myself too, i swore i would never end up a single parent and having to manage all this.

you're right tho, they could visit but apparently they're not confident driving in london. i live minutes from the M4 and in fact, the drive here from their's is very easy. they manage frequent trips to MIL's sister ffs.

i feel like i'm going thru all 5 stages every day at various times at the mo.....

anyways, hope you've had a good day today. you won't know what to do with yourself when you get home so early!

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PC - it's natural for you to worry about his parents because you're the nice, reasonable one in this. I worry about h's parents too, in australia, and missing out on what is likely to be their only grandchild. But they could make an effort too! But we want the best for our dd's, why should they miss out? I don't know what your relationship with them is like; mine is pretty good with his parents, so I've decided I am going to make the effort and keep a relationship going there. My feeling is that we are missing out on enough now that h has gone, so why throw that away too and cause more heartache. But that's my situation, and I know yours will be different.

Baffy, glad your first day went well, can't believe you got onto facebook and here!!! Good going!!

Dior, how are things?

I have got a major case of the doldrums and feel like i am permanently crying. Post-holiday blues, PMT all contributing I suppose, but just feel tired and fed up of it all. On top of that I had a call from tax credits saying that we need to pay back money from 3 years ago, which we had understood was written off. I sobbed on the phone to the poor man as well, just can't believe how things are so rubbish for me this year

Well thats a good thing in my life - my IL's have been fab not really talked about it and I feel uncomfortable slagging him off to them...but they have made a real effort with DD and me and carried on as usual - they only live round corner and pick DD up 2 days a week from school...MIL even came pram shopping with me for new LO

Hi again all, seems I have missed such a lot!

Congrats on the new job Baffy, hope you're second day went well? How's things with you? Hope ds is good.

PC, sorry that H is STILL being an idiot. Hope your house move goes well.

Dior, how are you?

I'm ok, went to my Nanny's funeral last week which entailed seeing my crap Dad for the first time in 12 years It all went well although was only there for a couple of hours as I had so far to drive. Hope will meet him again soon but hve asked for it to be just me and him the first time and his wife wants to be there so not sure what will happen.

Moving house at start of Nov, just me and dc's which will be weird, feels like a big step. Although am going away to meet H in Amsterdam this weekend which has been planned for ages, will see how that goes!

Thinking of you all,
OSJ xx

Things going ok here thanks. The journey is bliss! Been thrown in at the deep end a bit, but I think it's going to be good and I think it was the right move career wise.

I'm feeling so down at the mo though.

DS is great, but is just refusing to go to bed at the moment. The last 2 nights it's taken over an hour and a half to settle him
For 8 years I've had to go to bed early because of getting up at 5.30. Now I can finally have evenings to myself, I'm spending the whole evening in a dark room with ds. He's just so unsettled.
He has a 1 hour sleep in the day at lunch time (which he really does need) but I've said that my mum and FIL (who share looking after him) are just going to have to so whatever it takes to try and keep him awake all day today. And I'll see if that works. It's just then, he seems to get overtired, and he's just as bad... arghhhhhh!!!!

To top it all, H is being an arse. He has finished with ow but she's back on the scene harrassing him by phone/text/email. Thing is though, unless he tells her to stop, then there is nothing I can do about it. And he isn't telling her. So he must want the contact... iyswim.... so my head is battered with all that.

(lily what he did to annoy my family, is chatted up an 18 year old girl in a club, who turned out to be my cousin! we haven't seen this part of the family for about 10 years, so she recognised les straight away as he hasn't changed at all, but she has turned from and 8 year old kid into a stunning 18 year old... and he had no idea!! he's made a complete show of me in front of my whole extended family now... )

to top it all, he went out last week, and chatted up (another!) 19 year old, who he is now messaging on facebook...

what is it with a 30 year old man needing teenagers to fancy him! I'm absolutely furious to be honest. He's acting like a teenage idiot (putting it mildly!!) and I wish I didn't care but I do......

hi baffy

glad to hear the new job is going well. can't believe you were on facebook on your first day!

sorry to hear ds is unsettled tho. i'm having similar but it's the other end of the day. is he used to you putting him to bed or is it normally your mum etc? he's perhaps picking up on your routine change?

also sorry to hear what an utter dickhead your H is being. i'm guessing you and are in a similar frame of mind.

missing them, grieving for the future you should've had, feeling lonely and sad and upset but at the heart of the matter, not actually wanting them back but feeling very doubtful/apprehensive about having any kind of a future with anyone!

H has texted a couple of times this week and MSN'd basically asking about the house move. I have ignored him.

Now he's changed tack, MSN'd to ask how dd is and invited me to webcam . Actually I've been expecting to hear from his mother as I was sure he'd rope her in to try and get me to communicate.

My black tie do is off and the gang I was going to tag along with have all cancelled for one reason or another.

so dd has gone off to the GPs and I am missing her like crazy.

i still have drinks on Friday to look forward to tho.

am gutted about the do tonight tho. feeling very sorry for myself with a large dose of "story of my life" and "how come whenever i really want something, it always goes wrong"!

OSJ, I bet the house move feels daunting and I can empathise with that. But, I am feeling quite excited about it too. Looking forward to having my own home again and making it a lovely place for me and dd without any compromise or crap from anyone else!

Amsterdam sounds good. Hope you guys enjoy the trip. It could be the thing you need to help you both handle the split and the future of shared parenting etc better perhaps.

Hi everyone

Just wanted to pop in to say i am still around but seem to have taken on more work than i would have liked so feeling a bit stressed at the moment. Also it is a crap time of year it was this time last year that i found out about h's affair and the dates keep reminding me - aghhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Anyway i am still checking in from time to time but very busy so not always replying.

Glad your first week is going well Baffy i am sure your ds will soon settle down again - just when you are ready to throttle him he will turn into a saint again!!!!

Hallo everyone, I'm back again. The cold kept me in bed for three days which would have been nice if I hadn't felt so awful. DP and I had planned a romantic weekend as DD was at her father's, and we won't have another for weeks as he goes abroad next week. Then he had a family crisis which upset him, I couldn't respond as my temp was cracking the thermometer, and it was fairly miserable all round .

Baffy, your H's behaviour with teenagers would be funny if it wasn't so sad. I suppose it makes him feel young - not that he's some old shrunken head at 30, but men seem to crave the attention. It's almost funny that he picked your cousin - serve him right! And he does need to tell OW to butt out. Really glad your job is going well though - and hope ds settles soon, then you can enjoy those long evenings.

I haven't sorted out my Facebook yet to find all of you. DD 'helped' me add a photo at last - but she picked one of me with a sparkler, so instead of a question mark, I'm a squiggle of light in the darkness. I suppose it maintains the mystery ? I find Facebook very confusing - showing my age...

PC, really sorry about your black tie do. Will you be able to wear the dress and bra on Friday instead? A shame not to, after all the input we made!

Ginnedup - love the new name!

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well, it seems i've picked up a bug and spent last night throwing up from 3am!

thougth it might've been some dodgy food but seems there's something going around.

am continuing to ignore H. he is threatening to rent a room close to work now as i am refusing to communicate about the house move.

i'm feeling a tiny bit sorry for him again as well.

don't know what my next step should be really. TFM, need your guidance.

I really really don't want to talk to him. I really really don't want to get sucked back into anything whatsover with him.

but, i can't keep blanking him and i'm tired and fed up and i still miss him or at least i miss having someone to care about me and look after me a bit.

Oh dear PC, I do hope you'll be feeling better soon. I'm still coughing and feel horribly bugged up.

Don't know what to advice you on h though. It's obviously irking him that you've blanked him, and of course you're going to feel bad about it. But don't give way to anything whilst you're feeling ill - it's easy to do when you feel vulnerable.

Someone call my name?

PC You are doing a great job! The proof is in the pudding! H is getting rattled. If you start texting you can guarantee you will get sucked in again. One text will lead to another and so on. So don't text. If h wants to really speak to you about the house move, if he is really genuine and not just narked, he would be proposing some kind of meet up where you could discuss things, not threatening to move near to your work! The wally! He is trying any means to get a reaction out of you. So far, his tack tics haven't worked so he is taking things a bit further.
You just carry on as you are. You owe him nothing. You definately do not owe him your pity!! Or any guilt! So you can stop that right now missy!!!

Right now, it's what about you owe yourself which is the right to move on from a man who has had no consideration for you or dd. Even now, the information he is after is for his own needs, not for yours. Has he enquired about dd? About you?? Has he asked about regular access to dd? Those are the questions we are waiting for. The solid, caring questions!

Your life is your business from now on. H does not have an automatic right to know what your plans are. Just as he denied you knowledge of his, you are doing the same. He doesn't like it when th boot is on the other foot though does he

You stay strong!! xx

TFM, thankyou!

I needed that!

He did ask after "the little one" earlier this week on an MSN message but that's all.

You're absolutely right of course. I can maintain radio silence until he proposes something normal via a normal method of communication like the spoken word!

You should write a book you know. You should also think about becoming a life coach.

Dior, hope you're okay today and thanks for letting me let off a bit of steam on MSN last night. My supper was lovely, shame I chucked it all up again later!

Total waste of half a bar of Galaxy!

Hiya - PC, thanks for the Facebook invite. Unfortunately I have no internet at home ATM, and cant get it until feckin bt give mne back my old phone number.

Probably everyone I know in rl thinks ive dropped off the edge of the world too.

I can use MN occasionally at work, but Facebook is blocked. So I can get emails, but cant do anything else right now.

But please remember me, Ill be back sometime!

(Nice to read about people having a more positive time tho. Dior, good luck with the sol. its a hard point to be at isnt it. But I think youre being more proactive than I was, as i let XP make the final decision himself.)

PC You are most welcome. You know where I am if you need me. You have access to my email too

I'm very proud of you you know. There was a point when i thought you were a lost cause but you really are doing great. You have come sooooo far, you just keep up the good work and keep moving forward.

There is a fantastic future awaiting you!!

pc - TFM's advice is great and I fuly agree, until he proposes meeting up and begins acting like responsible 'husband' and 'father', and until he starts focussing on what is really important (you and dd!), then you owe him nothing.

every time you want to give in - just remind yourself of how he's treated you. when exactly did he ever put you or dd first? does he ever think of anyone but himself?

his 'threat' of renting a place had exactly the desired effect, it made you feel guilty and you wanted to give in again.

stay strong. let him figure this one out for himself. all you need to worry about is yourself and dd.

so sorry about your night out being cancelled and about you being sick I am coming down to London on a few courses over the next couple of months... maybe I could co-incide the trips down with a visit to meet up with some of you (and we can get dressed up and get out on the town!) or have a few bottles of wine and a good moan more like

I would certainly be up for a meetup - a chance for us all to glam up over some wine. I contemplated the London Christmas meetup but chickened out since there seemed to be dozens going and I'm a bit shy (yes, really!)

I almost put my name down for the London christmas meet up too! But then chickened out at the last minute! It's not even that I wouldn't be able to chat to people, I'll talk to anyone (and after a glass of wine I definitely would!)
But what put me off is that most people seemed to know each other already on that thread.

But either at the Christmas meet up, or if we could organise a night just for everyone on here, I think it would be great if we could meet up. Long overdue!

Hear hear. Yes, my problem was feeling that I might be intruding on a bit of a clique and I wouldn't know their threads. Most of my friends would deny that I am shy - 'cos I'm fine with people I know - or I just talk random nonsense (a couple of glasses of red does the trick ).

Hi you lot!
Baffy at H and his antics. What is he on? Glad your enjoying the job though.

PC - thanks for adding me on Facebook, its great.

TFM - you are so so wise. I wish you lived next door to me and I could chew your ear off all the time!!!

I've had to lay GUM to rest and delete all my posts as we were out for a meal at the weekend with some of my friends and I had a few G&T's (as you do) and stupid dp piped up "here she goes ginnedupmummy" of course they asked and he told them "thats her mumsnet name" .

Thing is, these are all people who know their way round a PC and could read my posts and they don't know the half of what's been going on with us lately.

What a nob. He's very sorry, but I'm never letting my name slip again. He's too thick to be able to get on here and look, but he just can't keep his mouth shut!!!