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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NEW FAB AND GLAM

952 replies

Dior · 17/08/2007 13:32

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 03/10/2007 16:38

Ginned up, glad to hear. Yes, working away certainly puts the honeymoon feeling back into our relationship too. Plus I can't see how much he's drinking ..

ginnedupmummy · 03/10/2007 16:40

Message withdrawn

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 16:41

Tanee - the bigger they are the further they fall!

PC do't do anything mail order! The postal strike starts tomorrow so it's highly unlikley that you will get it.

I like balcony bra's. They hoist em up and give a nice rounded shape on top.

Paddlechick666 · 03/10/2007 16:41

oh shit. H has just popped up on MSN

what do i do? ignore him or speak to him?

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 16:42

I think a half cup bra is more of a nipple level cup than a balcony bra.

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 16:42

Right now, Ignore him! Don't let him bring your mood down!

Paddlechick666 · 03/10/2007 16:43

"any news on house front honey?"

feckin hell, it's easy to ignore a text.

have to go to pick dd up in a mo.

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 16:44

In fact, continue to ignore him indefinately. Thats the only way you are going to get out of the cycle, withdraw from him completely. He only saps you of your strength when you talk to him anyway and you never get anywhere with him so whats the point?

You are not a massochist (sp) are you?

Tanee58 · 03/10/2007 16:45

PC can you block him? Or just be polite but distant?

Paddlechick666 · 03/10/2007 16:45

no not a massochist.

it just feels really nasty to ignore on msn. he'll know i'm online.

oh bloody shitty hell!

feel sick now!

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 16:46

It's none of his business. He does not need to know your business! tell him nothing!

You are going to take away all the power and control this man has over you!! You are doing a great job so far, don't let yourself down now. Keep it up!!

Stay strong PC. Am sending you good, strong vibes xx

Tanee58 · 03/10/2007 16:46

TFM Thanks!!! guess mine must be somewhere down near my knees (have just checked & scooped 'em back)

Paddlechick666 · 03/10/2007 16:46

am thinking

'going to collect dd now. if you want to speak to me then phone as i won't communicate by text or msn with you'

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 16:48

It isn't nasty PC. it's self prservation! You have to think of you. This guy has had plenty of opportunity to be concerned. Where was he when you needed him, when you were worried about him. Do you think he ever thought he was being nasty to you? No, he bloody well didn't!

You don't need this right now, you seem all cheered up again, don't give him an opportunity to bring you down. PLEEEASE!

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 16:50

Yes, thats a good response. It put's you in control and makes it less easy for him to take the easy route he will be forced to communicate verbally which makes it real

Paddlechick666 · 03/10/2007 16:51

well, i've set my status to Away now so maybe he'll think i'm not here. he knows i never switch the pc off and am on broadband so.....

have tried the "i will only communicate by spoken word" before and it never sticks.

much the same as everything else really!

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 16:55

The thing is, he seems to feed off having you respond to him everytime he shows his head. He seems to like to know that you are 'there', thats what gives him his comfort, he feels he has still 'got' you, IYKWIM. I would do my best not give him what he seems to need.
I highly recommend the 'withdrawl method'

Tanee58 · 03/10/2007 16:56

Well done PC, kkep strong, we're all behind you (me with my 34DDs, very sturdy )

Paddlechick666 · 03/10/2007 16:57

yes, you're right. it's always me he turns to like on monday after he started the new job etc.

he does believe he's still got me.

what gets me is that he can get in touch like nothing has happened with the xx on a text and the honey on a message.

still tugs my heart strings tho

am not responding and now late for dd so gotta run!

Paddlechick666 · 03/10/2007 16:57

ah, he's signed off.

phew!

Paddlechick666 · 03/10/2007 16:58

kills me that he's only interested because he's working close to here now and has a travel nightmare.

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 17:05

Ok. Well done!

Just want to say that all the 'honey' this and the 'xxx' are all for his own benefit PC. It's what he does to make himself feel better. By being nice to you he is easing his guilt. You respond, he has tugged at your heart strings so you lower your defences and then in his eye's all is forgiven, you still care for him and he still has you. His actions and sweet words are completely self motivated.
He uses those strategies to 'reel you in'. Up until now it has worked for him and he will continue to do it while ever you respond.
You are going to have to harden your heart and look at how he behaves from a different point of view. Just keep reminding yourself, he is doing what he does for his own gain, not to make you feel better. He gets all that he needs from pulling you back in. He seems not to want you in person, he doesn't want a life with you but, he wants you to want him. Purely selfish!!

Only by changing the way you respond to him will you change him.

Thinking of you xx

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 17:07

See it as a challenge PC. You have only ever known dh the way he is. Challenge yourself to change him by changing yourself. Don't let his selfish actions 'kill you'. Let your actions kill him!!

TimeForMe · 03/10/2007 17:14

It's me again

I just wanted to say that it does work PC. I am living proof of that. Never in a million years would I have believed that my DP would change. I have been with him for 9 years now and it's like being with a different man! I never knew he had it in him.
All because I changed the way I respond, the way I react and the way I behave. And you know what, I actually love myself too for the first time ever! I like the new me. I can honestly say I have never been happier. I am not a victim anymore!!

Crikey, i do go on a bit don't I

Tanee58 · 03/10/2007 17:30

Yep, I've been greeting dp with a huge smile and a glass of cool white wine after work every day this week, after we had a couple of bad days last week - and it's worked a dream .

But having an evening off tonight to take dd to see Atonement - dp wants to see it but needs to crack on with his lines. So quality time with my daughter, hooray!